Guess what?

It's been a month and a half since my last confession ... And there's much to confess.

All good things. Very good things. So many good things have happened since I last posted that I'm not sure if I should just skip to the nitty-gritty-wonderful truth or if I should (all writerly like) tease it out.

I don't have the patience for teasing out the truth, though, so here you are: Mac and I are together. Very much together. Like, "this is GREAT" together.

I've never been friends with someone before dating him before, and I have to say this has made a huge difference for me. I feel so much more comfortable, there's so much more trust. Feelings are truer, I think.

That's not to say that there isn't risk here. There is risk. This is new and we're each wearing our hearts on our sleeves. But I don't care--life is short. I want to love wholeheartedly. I haven't done this before.

One of the bigger things we've had to deal with is the fact that his most recent ex is an acquaintance of mine. I told her--weeks ago--that I liked Mac. This was after he and I had had one steamy makeout session and it was clearer than clear that we were going somewhere. The ex has been great--very kind to me and just cool about it all. I know it must not have been easy. In fact, she contacted Mac and asked him to let her know if we were going to be at an event that she might be at. (Small, small valley.) Even though she was the one to put the kibosh on the relationship, I understand--I didn't want to see Bill (my ex) with his new gf after I dumped him. Humanity and all that.

Anyway, I am aware of Mac's faults but I love the whole of him--despite the not-so-perfect things. I think I'm finally at a place in my life where I can look at a man for who he is and not wish he would transform into something else. Mac isn't going to save me or make me wealthy, but that's OK because that's not what I need in a man (salvation, bank account): I need someone who's in it with me. And he is.

So far.

Resolution

The ever wise Mimi commented on my last post that this situation seemed like the kind to drive one crazy.

Sure enough: Friday I felt myself slipping into Crazy Mode. Analyzing and worrying and just making myself miserable. It was practically an out-of-body experience: I could see myself festering and knew this was Bad and that I had to stop.

For one thing, I knew I was obsessing about the unknown rather than genuine feelings for Mac. Not healthy. (But at least I'm able to recognize it now--the first step in getting a grip.) Not healthy especially since my type (if we're talking types, as in the last post) tends to be Impossible Men--the ones that are just out of reach. Mac rolls right into this typecast, of course, so ... caution serves me well.

All this I knew, but Friday I still felt bad. I came home from work and wallowed a bit (to my shame) and then put on a movie. Halfway through I checked my phone, which was charging in the other room: a call and text from Mac!

Now, I'd told myself that I wasn't going to be at Mac's beck and call and had decided that if I got a last-minute invite I wouldn't accept. However, his message was that he was meeting his best friend (a woman) and did I want to join them? Harmless then. Besides, I hadn't eaten.

His best friend wasn't there when I arrived, so we had a good, long chat. Much joking, flirtation, and etc. And then he brought up Us, for which I was (and am) so grateful. He said I should know that he tells his best friend everything and that she's worried about our relationship--that she thinks Mac should take it easy for awhile, since I'm friends with his ex. "But I told her that I like you, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm not going to let that [the smallness of the valley/my connection with the ex] stop me from hanging out with you, you know?" I think he actually said it better than that, but that was the gist.

I was so relieved to hear where things stand. Honestly, it's what I wanted to hear. If he'd made a move, it would have freaked me out.

One thing I wonder is how he knows I like him--or, at least, I wonder how he can be so brave as to say (twice now) that he really likes me without me ever saying something to the same effect? I, in my stunted communicativeness, have not been able to say it quite so plainly. But obviously he assumes this is the case. Rightly so, but it kind of amazes me.

Well, I've got the crazy back down to a simmer. Steady as she goes.

PS: Heard from A/S yesterday. Granted, he was trying to get in at one of the wineries I work for, but kind of strange to hear from him after months and months! He also invited me "and my friends" to join them for dinner. I said it wasn't a good night (all my friends had other plans, for one thing), and spent a cozy night in, watching movies.

Definitely Something

Mac and I have been in regular contact since the last posting. Not every single day, mind you, but more days than not. And we've seen each other a fair bit, too.

The tone has been friendly and interested and casual. No proclamations or physical demonstrativeness, though, which I am completely unused to--and OK with. I haven't done the "take it slow thing" in forever--if at all. And given my propensity for falling out of love quickly and efficiently (9 months is my longest relationship to date, after all), I think slow might be good.

That said, I want him.

I am increasingly charmed and interested, and last night's date definitely had something to do with it. First of all, it was clearly a date. I wasn't sure--we'd been talking about seeing a movie for awhile and I figured it was just another chance to hang out. But when I arrived at his place after work and saw him all freshly scrubbed and be-sweatered, I realized that he was definitely putting the date foot forward.

We got drinks and nibbles before the movie and just talked and talked. We strolled down the streets of St. H____ and looked at storefront windows. TOTGA came up in conversation (briefly)--just as a point of "these are the people we know." And when we were talking about dating and types, he said, "Ruby, I like you. I like you a lot, actually"--and then went on to say that this wasn't necessarily true for him and me, but people are definitely attracted to types. (I'd been relating TOTGA's need for The Crazy in a woman so it seemed like Mac was referring to the more negative side of "types.") The air was cold and I was slow to realize what he was saying. My mind sludged through the possibilities: I was his friend and he liked me but I wasn't his type; I wasn't his type; he wasn't attracted to me ...

I'm an idiot. Is it any wonder I'm single?

Three quarters of the way through the movie, I'm sitting there in my chair reveling in the occasional gentle pressure of his elbow on my arm (yes, dry spell here of Epic Proportions!!) when I realize that he said he liked me and that the convoluted sentence that followed really had to do with his nervousness. For the rest of the movie I obsessed with my inability to loosen up, encourage, flirt. [yes, I'm playing fast and loose with my tenses, O Writers. I can't be bothered to edit]

As we walked back to his house, I grabbed his hand when we dashed across the street. (Or maybe he grabbed mine?) Then we let go.

At my car there was a moment, a pause, and I smiled and said, "What?" And he said, "Ah, get out of here." (friendly/jokey--not rude) I'm willing to bet he wanted to kiss me.

So you're all pulling your hair and gritting your teeth wondering why we're behaving like two virgins. Well, there's his recent breakup and our extremely small social network to consider, and the fact that he's a thoughtful person (as am I). Also, though he's told me he has no interest in getting back together with his ex, he cares about her and is worried about her. (She's going through a rough patch.) Given all those variables, I think the current state of affairs is fair.

But I hope there's resolution before too long. What I would give for just a kiss!

A Little Something

Big thanks to Anon and Loverville whose recent comments have nudged me to write a new post. For the longest time (well, since Jan 7) there wasn't much to write about anyway, but now ... There might be something going on.

As usual, this situation is rife with all of the issues inherent to dating in a small dating pool. I met Mac when he started dating a woman in my friend group last summer. (She and I are friends, but not at all close. I like her fine; we just don't click in any huge way.) Mac and I hit it off hugely and whenever we saw each other at parties or events, we'd chatter away at each other and just have a great time. It was great because it was safe--he was my friend's boyfriend. Come to find out, he'd also dated my previous boss--see how small the pool is? No wonder I thought he looked familiar!

So now, they've broken up. And we've struck up a friendship--or something. Last week we met for dinner and drinks (he paid). Then we texted back and for a few days--innocuous stuff. Then he said it's important that we be careful--that it was too soon for him to be friends with one of his ex's friends. Then I spent the afternoon at his house last weekend, just sitting in the yard and eating sandwiches and talking. He seemed really nervous. This week we missed connecting a few times, and then today I stopped by his place for a few moments before he went away for the weekend.

Obviously there's not much to tell, except I think there's something there. I know, I can't jump to conclusions, and it's not like I'm brimming with hope or anything. Last December, back when he and my friend were dating, I'd just gotten my hair cut when I ran into them in town. She (the girlfriend) was talking to someone else and Mac said how great my hair looked. "You've got the whole package," he said with real feeling and then walked away. (Oh those emotional, artistic types!)

I wonder if he still thinks that's true or if that was just safety talking? You know how it is, safely married men and partnered men always going on about your attributes and what a perfect catch you are. I wonder--are they just confident in their pairedness? And are the single guys just chicken-shit?

Well, I've caught Mac looking at me like he still thinks I'm The Stuff. I think he might have that Single Guy Chicken-Shit thing going on, but I think he also wants to keep a good rapport with our friend group. I respect that. I can bide my time.

Except that this afternoon I so wanted to grab him. Et tu, dry spell?

Love in 2011?

December was wildly busy. It's funny because I don't consider myself a terribly social creature but ... it was non-stop! No dates, but parties and grabbing drinks and dinners and whew. I'm glad for the relative social stasis of January (never mind that I'm going out tonight).

No dates, though. Yep, nothing. I haven't even attempted to "get out there." There is a slight crush on a guy in our friend circle, but the crush is really DOA because:

1. He dated (or is dating? she's out of the country at the moment) a friend of mine
2. He's one of those guys: fabulously good looking, really social, fun, etc. I don't want to spend my time fighting off the other women. No thank you.

Anyway, this crush and I have a fun (and mild) flirtation going on. I'm happy to keep it at that.

I guess what got me thinking about dating again is that a coworker yesterday expressed surprise when I told him I was single--and had been for nearly a year. His reaction (he being a guy's guy, an interesting guy, a guy with a girlfriend) made me feel good--attractive, hopeful, etc.

But you know, my single friends, I'm not sure I really want to be in a relationship. I am enjoying my life right now so much and feel so content with who I am, where I am, that I cannot imagine meeting a person that could fit into my life or add to it or ... whatever it is healthy relationships do. This is a great thing, this happiness.

One huge contributing factor: coming to grips with my father's death (years ago) and realizing, truly, that my future partner will not be some incarnation of him. (Yes, rife with psychological processes, etc., and I should have gone to grief counseling--I'd have come to this healthy conclusion far sooner and would have had better relationships with TOTGA and Bill.) The lessons we learn!

So, what will 2011 hold? Love? Sex? (pretty please! though I'm not entirely sure I can do one without the other any more--I've gotten old-fashioned with old age. Never fear, I suspect biology will out.) Whatever the year brings in terms of romance, I feel confident that I have the self-awareness and self-confidence to handle it all well.

Can't wait to see what's around the corner!

PS: Written to the tune of a delish Cabernet.

I Got 'Wifed'

You're familiar with the dreaded 'we,' aren't you? You're talking to a handsome man at a bar, say, and things are friendly and good until he says something like, "Well, when we bought our house ..." And you have to sit there and try to act completely unsurprised knowing that you'd just been We'd.

Ugh. "We." It's a nice word when you're part of the we, but when you're single and scouting for a partner, it can be disheartening to hear. (Though, of course, kudos for letting us know, guys, that you are indeed taken!)

Well, I got wifed yesterday.

I think I've mentioned my work crush here and the uncertainty about his status. Rumor had it that he was going through a divorce--the attraction between the two of us almost glowed visibly. (Granted, we never talked about it--and never talked about anything at all, actually. So B-grade movie!) And then, poof!, the mutuality of it vanished. I figured he and his wife gotten back together.

Sure enough: he and I had to work on a project yesterday and at the first opportunity, he brought up his wife. "My wife," he said--not even her name, which I know. And it was so convoluted and unnecessary that I have to wonder ... was he wanting to quell the office rumors (I've heard very few) or was this an explanation for the warmth that had vanished?

Today we worked a little more on the project and actually talked quite a bit--about life things and about his wife. (In general, referential terms--not private stuff.) It's sweet, actually.

More and more it seems impossible that I will meet my sort of person. And, you know, if I don't, that's OK.

Pants on Fire

I believe problems are best dealt with immediately. At work recently I made a $1000 error and, as soon as I collected my horror, I walked into my boss's office, closed the door, and told her what happened. The truth will out, better that I'm the one to out it.

So with J (the 51yo masquerading as a 44yo), I wrote my indignant entry (bet you didn't know it was indignant!) and vented on Facebook (now all my friends know I'm dating online--so be it, I got a GREAT reaction) and emailed J.

I explained my habit of googling my dates and that I fully expected to be googled myself. I said that I had discovered that he is 51, not 44 (I even sent him the link--figured he should know what's out there--perhaps it will encourage him to cleave closer to the truth!). I said that it wasn't his age so much as the variance from the truth that bothered me (though, yes, 51 is truly too close to my mother's age for comfort)--a variance that is not a good foundation for a relationship, not to mention a second date. I wished him luck.

He wrote back and said he appreciated my candor. It's just hard dating at 51, he said.

I kind of wanted to give him a kick because 51 is young! I know so many active, attractive 50+ year-old men. Sometimes I have to stop myself from having tiny crushes on them (out of my age range--truly!). I suspect that J wants a young thing and doesn't have the finances to back it up--hence the lie.

Whatever. Onward! I desperately need to update my profile. I uploaded new, better pics (and have had many more visitors as a result) but things have been hush-hush.

Shenanigan

So somehow I've skated through the online dating world without running into any egregious lies. That's right, none of my dates posted pictures from years ago or said they were seven years younger than they actually were .... until now. And I'm not sure what to do about it, me being too kind and all.

I met "J" Friday night for drinks. Fortunately he recognized me because I didn't recognize him, though he did look vaguely like his photographs. At first I thought that he'd just cut his hair, which had been quite long. Good riddance; I'm not into long locks on a guy. And then as we talked I looked at his face and hands and began to doubt that he was 44, as his profile states. His hair was also suspiciously sans grey. (Hey, tons of people my age have grey--not a grey hair at 44 seems unlikely.)

I decided to focus on the conversation and didn't think about it much. We ended up getting some inexpensive sushi. He wanted to go for dessert, but I demurred and suggested we get together this coming week. Honestly, I didn't think he would invite me out again and that, following the Four Man Plan rules, I would have to invite him on a second date. (Yes, you read that right--I'll save the reasoning for another post.)

When I got home I had a short message from him saying that he had a great time, even though I was too tall and too smart for him. Yes, his 5' 10" was highly suspect--I have yet to meet a man whose profile says 5'10" who is actually 5'10" (same goes for 6'). Illusions of grandeur, I suspect, and not true maliciousness. Perhaps they don't believe me when I say I'm 5'11"? Ho boy, I am very much 5'11".

Anyway, I wrote back something light and friendly to let him know the height thing wasn't an issue. He wanted to get together today, Sunday, and I just wanted a day to myself so again suggested sometime later this week.

It occurred to me just a moment ago to pop over to www.peoplefinders.com. There are very few people by his name the country over, and only one in N____. He's 51.

I don't wish to be cruel or stalkery (people my age assume internet searches; I'm not sure J does--he basically said he wasn't into technology) but I want him to know that I detect an age difference that is beyond my scope of acceptance. He's just a few years shy of my mom's age, for Pete's sake! Any tips for breaking the news? Maybe just saying the bit about detecting an age difference is enough? Or should I point out the website and ask him if its accurate?

He did mention growing up in New York and appreciating the forthrightness there (as opposed to the much more laid back California). Perhaps I should just remind him of that and tell him the fast discrepancy in profile age to actual age is a dealbreaker for me.

Have any of you dealt with this sort of shenanigan? What did you do?

Romance or Chemistry?

Anon. left a great question on my previous post--why stay friends? I'm not sure if the question is "Why bother?" or "Why did you decide to go the friend route?" I'm going with the second interpretation. (If I'm wrong, let me know.)

And here's what I find interesting and perplexing: A/S said he didn't feel the romance on the second date. I said, "Isn't romance something you build up to in a relationship?" And he said no. That in his experience, physical attraction, even, could develop later but romance is always there from the beginning.

Yeah.

So even though I am still really impressed with his contacting me ... I think I dodged a bullet. OR maybe to him "chemistry" and "romance" are interchangeable? I'd understand that. You feel it or you don't. (But I think we all run the chance of erring with dismissing too quickly. How many happily coupled/married people do you know who say, "Yeah, I totally didn't get him at first. Couldn't stand him." I know several.)

But in other news, I am definitely feeling chemistry/romance/whatever with my coworker (CW)! (Too complicated. Ugh.) I can't discern his status and the tale there is too juicy to ask another coworker, lest the gossip start. When I look at CW he practically glows I'm so attracted to him. I know: gross. I only mention this because it's such a rare thing, me being that attracted to a guy.

He and I don't work together much, but we met today briefly to discuss a project and ... I think he tried to impress me a little. I allowed myself to be impressed--a little. (This is something I need to work on. I used to pride myself in "not pandering to the male ego." I'm so ashamed to admit it, but it explains a lot about my dating history. Oops! I didn't mean to be a bitch.) I know I am getting older because I love the lines on his face. (He's in his 30s like me.)

I'm just going to let that one coast. Meanwhile, I'm communicating with two guys on OKCupid (I know--two whole guys!). I desperately need to revamp my profile.

A First

The coolest thing happened! A/S and I spoke Friday and after a good conversation about why the second date was so weird, he let me know that he preferred that we remained friends. Whether we actually stay friends or not is beside the point (though I hope we do): I have never had a man call me after two dates and let me know where things stood! Have you? (My girlfriends are incredulous and impressed with A/S.) That man has chalked up some good dating karma points for sure, and his honesty and forthrightness has buoyed my spirits. I hope he finds his person soon.

The incredibly cute photographer mentioned in the previous post was as cute and nice and funny and great as ever yesterday. I suspect that he is gay after all, and anyway he mentioned a "we." So male or female, I'm definitely not in the running. Oh well. I wore a super cute outfit for the day-long shoot and garnered the attention of his assistant and my coworkers. I still got it. ;)

Or, actually, I think I got some of It back. After three months of regular exercise, I am finally seeing some noticeable slimming and toning. My clothes fit better, I feel better and ... just those two things make me feel far more confident about myself--more than 5 lbs (if that) could warrant.

Sunday night I went to a party with a bunch of friends and had the best time. I ended up staying until the wee hours and dancing my feet off. One of our friends, Drop Dead, was super nice and complimentary and fun, but I know he was just feeling lonely. (Such a nice guy, and so conventionally HOT. I'd prefer someone not so sizzling, you know?)

I'm writing one guy on OKC. I'm not jazzed about him, but I'm following the Four Man Plan credo to not discredit anyone unless he gives me the "ickies." (And being bald or too short or too hairy or ... etc. doesn't count, according to Cindy Lu. Ickies kick in when you feel like he could be abusive or that you wouldn't be safe or anything along those lines.) I need to shine my profile, though, but who has the time?

Just a Little Crush

I am seriously crushing on this photographer we are working with next week. He's from SF and really too gorgeous, but he's also such a nice, smart, articulate guy. I've fallen hard--but not so hard that I won't bounce back.

I've been agonizing over what to wear for the photo shoot (note that I am not the one being photographed). I bought a pair of those trendy skinny pants but am not sure they look right on me--will take them for a test run this weekend. He's so hip, and I just feel very N___ Valley--a style that's hard to describe.

Mainly, I'm trying to remember that you just don't know what a person is looking for, and the best bet is to be yourself and show interest. I am also trying to bolster my confidence by recalling that Bill and TOTGA were two of the handsomest men in [Very Small Town] and they both dug me. Why can't this guy? It's possible, right?

With my luck, he's gay (and so subtly so that I didn't detect it) or engaged.

I got a message from A/S tonight. Just: "Hey, call me when you get this." I was really surprised to hear from him. I expected this would just be one of those "fade to black" situations. But now I suspect he's calling to tell me he isn't interested. (If so, this is a first--a guy has NEVER done that--so maybe it's something else?) I called him back, but it went straight to voicemail. Mystery.

Oh well. A/S is still on my 4MP grid. I need to collect more. Maybe I'll put the crush above on the grid just for the sake of using a space--and for inspiring confidence and hope.

Uno, Dos, Tres ... Quatro

I've done the thing I swore I would never do: I've gone back online.

Yes, as of about 30 minutes ago, I am indeed back in the murky, funky world of online dating. I know--I can't believe it either.

What hath possessed me to do such a thing? The fault lies in two places: this book and gin&tonic. (mostly the former)

I think I missed The Four Man Plan (4MP) craze (partially available on Google Books!), but the book resonated with me. (And here I try to summarize the book and fail completely.) One of my Great Faults in my dating "career" is that I've let men know they were the sole competitor way too soon. It puts way too much pressure on the poor guys and it makes me (sweet, sane little me) obsessive. I am sure that the reason that Guy and Bill fell smack-dab in love with me is that they were trying to win me over, never mind that they weren't competing against men--they were competing against the worst adversary of all: my dark, cold heart.

Another issue? I sleep with guys too soon. I do. I cast no judgement elsewhere, I'm just saying that for me, raging hormones + jumpy nerves = early sex. And that's all fine and good for, you know, a passing dalliance--but for a long-term thing, it's better (for me) not to jump so quickly. The 4MP outlines some great ways to keep it in perspective and under control.

Oh ugh. I'm not describing my thoughts or the book well at all and I sound like I guzzled the kool-aid. If you're at all curious (and I don't know why you would be after reading this), you can buy it at audible.com--and save yourself the embarrassment of buying it at a bookstore. :)

PS: Second date with A/S yesterday. Fun but totally void of zing. He was apparently running on two hours of sleep, which could explain it. I'm feeling very eh about it ... but! He's the only guy in my 4MP mantris (this will NOT make sense unless you've read the book), so onward. I need to collect more men for the mantris--hence the online signup.

(I think I need to explain myself, but the g&t has gone to my head. More later. Wish me luck on the online dating thing. I can't believe I'm doing this--again!)

Problems

First of all, a huge thank you to the wise and wonderful Mimi. Though she has moved on from her blog, she can still treat us to her wisdom and humor! Thank you, Mimi, for reminding me that feelings are feelings are feelings. And can be expressed. (Um. Top of my to do list: Find a shrink.)

This afternoon I emailed Bill. Bill the ex. Bill whose heart I broke nearly a year and a half ago. Bill who I keep in contact with now and then. The very Bill who has been dating a woman for ten months.

I emailed him just to say hey and to mention that I saw him at a distance Saturday. (And, yes, nostalgia--or something--was probably welling to the surface after the TOTGA news.) We emailed back and forth a couple of times this afternoon--very friendly. I made no mention of my dating life whereas he sprinkled his gf's name here and there in his emails. And in his final email he forwarded a bunch of vacation pics--luckily neither he nor his lady love were pictured, but there were plenty of gorgeous vistas, cozy campfires, intimate glasses of wine pictured. It irritated me.

I haven't responded and may not at all. I know I'm sensitive due to the whole TOTGA bit, and I definitely don't want to lash out at Bill over such a minor thing. I don't appreciate having their coupledness flaunted in front of me like that. I suppose it says something that Bill needs to flaunt ...

Yes, I think the best response is no response. I owe him some money. I'll drop him a check in the mail and that will be it.

In other news, that 27yo suddenly started texting me tonight--the one who has a girlfriend, supposedly. His texts are so ... 27yo. At first I thought it was a guy from work by the same name, and it all made sense because the guy at work (very young) has been really friendly lately and blushed furiously when I told him he looked nice one day. Oh, but no--it's not my workmate but this other guy and ... I don't even want to go there. (Yet I can't exactly blow him off too harshly because he's my neighbor's friend. Dammit.)

There are things I need and a 27yo paramour is not one of them.

... Or is it??

Ha. Just kidding.

What I need is A/S to be seen at my house--all 6'4" of him. That'll solve it.

A Former Love Marries

Ugh. TOTGA got married.

I was over him, but still: at first the news (brought to me via a mutual friend's Facebook posts) hit me in the gut. And though I haven't obsessed or rent my hair, I am sad about it. It doesn't help that his new wife is reputably as crazy as his ex. (I like to think I'd be happy for him if he'd married well when in truth I might have given in to jealousy.)

What is it with nice guys and The Crazy? Or maybe TOTGA is less nice and more stupid than I imagined. (Come, come, Ruby. Where's your generous spirit?)

I do have a second date with A/S this coming weekend, so I'm happy about that. He asked me out again right away but through a vicious game of phone tag. We haven't actually spoken since the first date, which seems weird and Not Good to me. But ... I am heeding EMK's advice on mirroring and not stressing. Plus, there's something nice about just saying, "We'll see what happens," and leaving it there.

Otherwise, my dating prospects are slim to nil and that, coupled with TOTGA's marriage and my dark and hopeful thoughts for their unhappiness (so unlike me!), is depressing.