Epiphany: I'm a Bad Dater

There are a few things that none of us wants to admit we're bad at--driving and sex are two biggies. On a walk this afternoon a realization hit me with a sickening thud: I am a terrible dater. And not just terrible, I'm a boring dater. Oh, god, what could be worse? I guess not realizing it would be worse.

Somehow I--moderately successful, attractive and intelligent--have gotten myself well into adulthood without understanding what it is to date--and date well. My typical MO is to find a guy I like, go out with him a few times (usually as few as 2 - 3 times) where we become exclusive and sleep together and then after a few months (3 is typical), I realize he's not the guy for me. I don't date around, which means there's a lot of pressure on me and this one guy to make something of the situation--either sex or exclusivity (usually both).

This is a recipe for disaster. More than that, it kills the enjoyment of getting to know someone--several someones--and making the best selection. (The whole sperm and egg scenario comes to mind. Natural selection exists for a reason!)

Why not create an environment where men can show me their best selves? Where I own my sexuality and share it when and with whom I choose? (instead of, oh the shame, having sex out of imagined obligation)

My excuse for focusing on one guy and one guy only in the past has been the area I live in. NV is tiny, true, but there's the East Bay to consider and Sonoma. And is San Francisco so very far?

I also haven't liked the idea of dating more than one guy at once. It seemed stressful and confusing, but I suspect now that the opposite is true.

So this is my new plan: to connect with as many guys as possible online and in everyday life and see what happens. I'm employing a close variation of the Four Man Plan--and so far, I've got only two quarter men, with nudges out to a few more on Match. Tonight I'll cultivate a few more.

Can this be done in the NV? Can this be done at thirty-{mumble}? We'll see.

Resolution

The ever wise Mimi commented on my last post that this situation seemed like the kind to drive one crazy.

Sure enough: Friday I felt myself slipping into Crazy Mode. Analyzing and worrying and just making myself miserable. It was practically an out-of-body experience: I could see myself festering and knew this was Bad and that I had to stop.

For one thing, I knew I was obsessing about the unknown rather than genuine feelings for Mac. Not healthy. (But at least I'm able to recognize it now--the first step in getting a grip.) Not healthy especially since my type (if we're talking types, as in the last post) tends to be Impossible Men--the ones that are just out of reach. Mac rolls right into this typecast, of course, so ... caution serves me well.

All this I knew, but Friday I still felt bad. I came home from work and wallowed a bit (to my shame) and then put on a movie. Halfway through I checked my phone, which was charging in the other room: a call and text from Mac!

Now, I'd told myself that I wasn't going to be at Mac's beck and call and had decided that if I got a last-minute invite I wouldn't accept. However, his message was that he was meeting his best friend (a woman) and did I want to join them? Harmless then. Besides, I hadn't eaten.

His best friend wasn't there when I arrived, so we had a good, long chat. Much joking, flirtation, and etc. And then he brought up Us, for which I was (and am) so grateful. He said I should know that he tells his best friend everything and that she's worried about our relationship--that she thinks Mac should take it easy for awhile, since I'm friends with his ex. "But I told her that I like you, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm not going to let that [the smallness of the valley/my connection with the ex] stop me from hanging out with you, you know?" I think he actually said it better than that, but that was the gist.

I was so relieved to hear where things stand. Honestly, it's what I wanted to hear. If he'd made a move, it would have freaked me out.

One thing I wonder is how he knows I like him--or, at least, I wonder how he can be so brave as to say (twice now) that he really likes me without me ever saying something to the same effect? I, in my stunted communicativeness, have not been able to say it quite so plainly. But obviously he assumes this is the case. Rightly so, but it kind of amazes me.

Well, I've got the crazy back down to a simmer. Steady as she goes.

PS: Heard from A/S yesterday. Granted, he was trying to get in at one of the wineries I work for, but kind of strange to hear from him after months and months! He also invited me "and my friends" to join them for dinner. I said it wasn't a good night (all my friends had other plans, for one thing), and spent a cozy night in, watching movies.

Slim Pickings

There's the UPS guy, he's cute--also possibly gay.

There's my coworker who just left his wife. So not conventionally hot, but hot just the same. I love that. (But, yes, bad idea--I know. Don't worry, I'm all bark and no bite. Plus I can hardly talk to him, he makes me so nervous.)

There's this guy, who I am meeting up valley for a team sport (must be ambiguous about which, since it's so searchable) tomorrow night. Yeah, I haven't seen him since then, though we've texted a few times. Once he asked me if I was going to some party. I wrote back that I hadn't thought about it and coyly asked if he was making a suggestion. He then replied that he wasn't going after all. Wha?! I hope his palm hit his forehead after he pushed "send." Needless to say, after that I didn't think twice about him. Until last week, when he emailed me to say (cleverly) that he wasn't sure if he should be offended that I never came out to any of his games. What the hell, right?

And then there's the 27-year-old who just invited me to hang out with him and his single roommate. The 27yo made sure to mention his girlfriend, just in case I was mistaken about his intentions. I did a quick search online and discovered that his friend is 26. Egads. For some reason I didn't tell the 27yo that I am in my mid-30s. Maybe I am amused. Maybe I'm flattered. Maybe I'm touched that I was invited. (Hey, I'm not an easy person to get to know, never mind invite anywhere.) But don't get me wrong: I expect immature jokes, beer, herb and whatever it is that guys in their mid-20s are into these days. It'll be so not my thing. (Except for the beer.)

(Important note: I don't mean to say that men in their mid to late 20s are immature. I just have a feeling these two are.)

So, yes, that's the current rundown. It's painful, really.