Epiphany: I'm a Bad Dater

There are a few things that none of us wants to admit we're bad at--driving and sex are two biggies. On a walk this afternoon a realization hit me with a sickening thud: I am a terrible dater. And not just terrible, I'm a boring dater. Oh, god, what could be worse? I guess not realizing it would be worse.

Somehow I--moderately successful, attractive and intelligent--have gotten myself well into adulthood without understanding what it is to date--and date well. My typical MO is to find a guy I like, go out with him a few times (usually as few as 2 - 3 times) where we become exclusive and sleep together and then after a few months (3 is typical), I realize he's not the guy for me. I don't date around, which means there's a lot of pressure on me and this one guy to make something of the situation--either sex or exclusivity (usually both).

This is a recipe for disaster. More than that, it kills the enjoyment of getting to know someone--several someones--and making the best selection. (The whole sperm and egg scenario comes to mind. Natural selection exists for a reason!)

Why not create an environment where men can show me their best selves? Where I own my sexuality and share it when and with whom I choose? (instead of, oh the shame, having sex out of imagined obligation)

My excuse for focusing on one guy and one guy only in the past has been the area I live in. NV is tiny, true, but there's the East Bay to consider and Sonoma. And is San Francisco so very far?

I also haven't liked the idea of dating more than one guy at once. It seemed stressful and confusing, but I suspect now that the opposite is true.

So this is my new plan: to connect with as many guys as possible online and in everyday life and see what happens. I'm employing a close variation of the Four Man Plan--and so far, I've got only two quarter men, with nudges out to a few more on Match. Tonight I'll cultivate a few more.

Can this be done in the NV? Can this be done at thirty-{mumble}? We'll see.

Magnifying Glass

Have you noticed when reading a biography (book, article, Wikipedia) that the person's choice of mate is reveals certain key traits? I'm thinking of American literary greats at the moment--Hemmingway, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, etc, etc. Their choice in wives and lovers said a lot about their characters. Have you ever wondered what your choices in significant others say about you?

Does that thought grip you as it does me?

We often talk about "our types" and I readily admit that I am attracted to a certain kind of man, but until tonight, I hadn't thought about what this long line of men says about me and my flaws. What am I not seeing about myself that a biographer would easily expose through my choice in partner?

Heavy thoughts for a Friday night.

I left you dangling after the last post. There's no ring on my finger, but Mac has talked plenty of marriage. Most of the time I am very happy: he is incredibly funny, he is attentive and exceedingly helpful, he wants me to be happy, he's great at home improvement! But last night, when talking to my mom (who I hadn't seen in months), she asked me where I thought we were headed, and I said, "We'll probably get married." And as soon as I said it, I realized that I am just not ready yet--the concept, while a happy one (or is it?), stresses me out. Marriage is such a huge thing--I am in a better financial position than he is (though not able to support another person entirely), why get married?

I realize you've missed all the in between stuff--last entry, I was over the moon and this entry I'm gunshy. I must seem crazy, but remember--some time has passed.

I need to tell him I'm not ready, and he may ask if I'll ever be ready and I'll have to say that I don't know. I don't want to break up; I just want the pressure lessened. He is a true sweetheart and any girl would be lucky ...

I read this in the transcript of Carolyn Hax's live chat today (love her advice, btw--wish I had found her years ago):

Q.

"WHEN IT'S RIGHT"

First, thank you for your consistently sound advice. I find myself curious about your perspective on determining when a relationship is right for the long term. How do you know? Is it when you stop asking the question? Or when you fall into a stable pattern? I've been in a relationship for nearly 3 years and find myself struggling to determine the criteria by which to judge whether this relationship will be right for me for the long term.

• –
  November 11, 2011 2:12 PM
• Permalink

A.

CAROLYN HAX :

I think it's when you really like the version of you that the relationship brings out, and when it's a version that's easy for you to maintain. And when you're no less happy to see the person walk in the room than you were at the beginning.

Thanks for the kind words.

– November 11, 2011 2:29 PM

Do you think she's right? I am inclined to agree with her, and when I first read it, I had a sinking feeling ... But then I also think that if Mac will give me time and not pressure me, I may come around.

That's the essence of it, so if you want to stop reading there, you have my permission. (you're welcome!) Here are what I see as complications to lifelong bliss--and notice that I am focusing on his faults, not mine, so this is entirely unfair:

1. He freelances--I've mentioned the financial issues before, but the freelance work brings up another issue: he has a lot of time on his hands--time spent alone. He thinks about me, misses me, wants to see me as soon as possible. Nothing wrong there, right? I, on the other hand, work in a busy office environment 9 hours a day. I'm multitasking, making decisions, fielding problems and solving them; I'm trying to stay on top of my work load and drive initiatives instead of reacting all the time to whatever bounces my way. I don't have time to miss or pine or think about him, and at the end of the day, I want to be on my own. We've worked this out (mostly) so that I see him on weekends and we spend one night together during the work week.

2. Yes, the finances. Those things again. I've told him that I won't move in with him (much less marry him) with a certain financial tangle hanging over his head. But it's a bigger issue than that: I don't know that I want to live with someone who doesn't know how to live within his means! Even if he were wealthy, it would stress me out if he didn't budget, save and plan.

3. I'm definitely a more literary/intellectual type. Do I need someone who keeps up with me? Not necessarily--I haven't found my male equivalent yet (who wasn't an ass), so ... No, maybe I don't need this.

4. Libido disparity. Another big one. He and I have talked this one to death. He would happily have sex every day, while I could compromise and have it once a week. (intercourse, with maybe some other fun activity--one that's quicker and requires less energy) I know--so unsexy! But it's true--I just don't have a big desire for sex (and do I envy you minxes out there!). This is a problem. He certainly deserves more, but we're caught here--I resent his implications that there's something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. (He hasn't said spelled it out quite like that.) There's a wide range of normal--why can't my level be normal and why do I have to be the one to try all manner of potions to get it "fixed"? (note: I have not sprung for this yet) Under it all, I do worry: am I not attracted to him? Are the other problems enough to quell a fragile and sensitive sex drive?

I think this all could be enough to doom a relationship. But could I still make it work anyway? It's different these days--women don't need men to put roofs over their heads. Do I want to be the one to put a roof over a man's head? I tell myself maybe, if I made twice as much, but maybe even then I would resent it.

I want to build something with someone. I don't want to be the provider, and I don't want kept. Are these things too much to ask and by asking these questions am I risking losing something truly great?

Luck in Love

Are you prepared for more swoon? Because that's all I have, folks. It's partly why I haven't updated because, well, it can be a bit much to read about someone who is lucky in love. (Sometimes ... am I right?) Also, I have been slammed at work, working over 14 hours the last two days on photo shoots. I'm exhausted, but as I noted to my friends last weekend on a road trip to LA: it could be worse. We could be working in a grimy-floored convenience store. (We had to stop at several along I-5.)

Anyway, things are going very well with Mac, and I'm not even waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're that good. I know what our sticking points will be: finances and (let's face it) slightly mismatched libidos. But, you know, there's always something. I think if we can just keep communicating and respecting each other, we can work through those issues.

I have never been in this place in a relationship before--in love, still, at the four month mark. I think it's a combination of dating the wrong people and really, really not being in a place where I could give and receive love. (As airy-fairy as that sounds it's really an important thing--to accept and to give. I couldn't do it for so long.) Usually at three months I was feeling extremely antsy and unhappy.

Mac and I have vacation planned in a few weeks--a big road trip. (We're going to visit my sister in one city, and then his sister in another.) This will be a big test, I guess, though I'm hardly thinking of it that way. We'll spend hours in a car together; negotiate all the adventures that will come our way. Will it prove that we're great together or will it be our undoing? Actually, I think a road trip is the perfect thing for a couple to do at the 4+ month mark--especially if they are moving along as successfully as we are. It'll tell us a lot about each other.

Mac's ex (again, a friend of mine) got a boyfriend a month and a half ago. This is very relieving. Two weeks ago, the ex de-friended Mac on Facebook. (O, Facebook! You necessary-ish evil!) Mac, hurt, texted ex to find out why. She said she didn't want to see what he and I were up to--however, she and I are still FB friends, so she can see any Mac/Ruby action. (We don't put up that much stuff, honestly ...) Well, that very same week she announced, via Facebook, that she and her boyfriend (of one month, at that time) are moving in together! I'm surprised, a smidge worried and, well, incredulous. I also hope they're happy. Rushed situations such as these have worked out before--I truly hope this one does ... (but, um, worried)

In other news, I'm working on some writing projects here at home--trying to, anyway. Focus is one of the damnedest things, as is trying to decide what to write about. So far, I've been writing about Love--because it's a theme that doesn't tire. We all crave it. There are other, great themes out there, though, that I'd like to tackle--but Love is a great place to start.

Wishing you all (how many every many of you still read here) much luck and much love.

Love in 2011?

December was wildly busy. It's funny because I don't consider myself a terribly social creature but ... it was non-stop! No dates, but parties and grabbing drinks and dinners and whew. I'm glad for the relative social stasis of January (never mind that I'm going out tonight).

No dates, though. Yep, nothing. I haven't even attempted to "get out there." There is a slight crush on a guy in our friend circle, but the crush is really DOA because:

1. He dated (or is dating? she's out of the country at the moment) a friend of mine
2. He's one of those guys: fabulously good looking, really social, fun, etc. I don't want to spend my time fighting off the other women. No thank you.

Anyway, this crush and I have a fun (and mild) flirtation going on. I'm happy to keep it at that.

I guess what got me thinking about dating again is that a coworker yesterday expressed surprise when I told him I was single--and had been for nearly a year. His reaction (he being a guy's guy, an interesting guy, a guy with a girlfriend) made me feel good--attractive, hopeful, etc.

But you know, my single friends, I'm not sure I really want to be in a relationship. I am enjoying my life right now so much and feel so content with who I am, where I am, that I cannot imagine meeting a person that could fit into my life or add to it or ... whatever it is healthy relationships do. This is a great thing, this happiness.

One huge contributing factor: coming to grips with my father's death (years ago) and realizing, truly, that my future partner will not be some incarnation of him. (Yes, rife with psychological processes, etc., and I should have gone to grief counseling--I'd have come to this healthy conclusion far sooner and would have had better relationships with TOTGA and Bill.) The lessons we learn!

So, what will 2011 hold? Love? Sex? (pretty please! though I'm not entirely sure I can do one without the other any more--I've gotten old-fashioned with old age. Never fear, I suspect biology will out.) Whatever the year brings in terms of romance, I feel confident that I have the self-awareness and self-confidence to handle it all well.

Can't wait to see what's around the corner!

PS: Written to the tune of a delish Cabernet.

Uno, Dos, Tres ... Quatro

I've done the thing I swore I would never do: I've gone back online.

Yes, as of about 30 minutes ago, I am indeed back in the murky, funky world of online dating. I know--I can't believe it either.

What hath possessed me to do such a thing? The fault lies in two places: this book and gin&tonic. (mostly the former)

I think I missed The Four Man Plan (4MP) craze (partially available on Google Books!), but the book resonated with me. (And here I try to summarize the book and fail completely.) One of my Great Faults in my dating "career" is that I've let men know they were the sole competitor way too soon. It puts way too much pressure on the poor guys and it makes me (sweet, sane little me) obsessive. I am sure that the reason that Guy and Bill fell smack-dab in love with me is that they were trying to win me over, never mind that they weren't competing against men--they were competing against the worst adversary of all: my dark, cold heart.

Another issue? I sleep with guys too soon. I do. I cast no judgement elsewhere, I'm just saying that for me, raging hormones + jumpy nerves = early sex. And that's all fine and good for, you know, a passing dalliance--but for a long-term thing, it's better (for me) not to jump so quickly. The 4MP outlines some great ways to keep it in perspective and under control.

Oh ugh. I'm not describing my thoughts or the book well at all and I sound like I guzzled the kool-aid. If you're at all curious (and I don't know why you would be after reading this), you can buy it at audible.com--and save yourself the embarrassment of buying it at a bookstore. :)

PS: Second date with A/S yesterday. Fun but totally void of zing. He was apparently running on two hours of sleep, which could explain it. I'm feeling very eh about it ... but! He's the only guy in my 4MP mantris (this will NOT make sense unless you've read the book), so onward. I need to collect more men for the mantris--hence the online signup.

(I think I need to explain myself, but the g&t has gone to my head. More later. Wish me luck on the online dating thing. I can't believe I'm doing this--again!)

Keeping the Fires Stoked

Well, I can say for sure that when I began this blog (not that long ago) I had no expectation of sliding into a relationship so soon. And yet, here I am: in a relationship. And it's a good one, if new.

What to do? Is there anything more deadly dull than a dating blog that has turned into a "lah-dee-dah, I'm in a relationship" blog? This bears no reflection on those of you lucky dating bloggers who are also now enjoying secure relationships. Ahem. I speak for myself. Because, honestly, what am I to write about?

I'm not counting chickens prior to hatching or anything, but at this very early point in our relationship, I have to say that I am impressed with our ability to communicate. I think if that we can keep this up, we'll be in good shape.

But here's something you can weigh in on (if you dare): My relationships have usually topped out somewhere in the 4 - 7-month range--most often ended by yours truly. At the 2 - 3-month mark, I tend to lose interest sexually, and I think this is because this is the point where I realize that we are mentally/emotionally incompatible. Of course, my fear is that I have a viciously low libido that can't sustain over longer hauls. I argue (with myself, it's true) that my libido is just terribly sensitive and can't keep the fires stoked if the attraction has died on the mental/emotional level. Has anyone else experienced this? Or can you even fathom that this could be a possibility? I appreciate your reassurance. ;)

Because Guy is just dear and so generous and sweet. I'd like us to keep going, and I guess this is one of those things where only time will tell.