I met "J" Friday night for drinks. Fortunately he recognized me because I didn't recognize him, though he did look vaguely like his photographs. At first I thought that he'd just cut his hair, which had been quite long. Good riddance; I'm not into long locks on a guy. And then as we talked I looked at his face and hands and began to doubt that he was 44, as his profile states. His hair was also suspiciously sans grey. (Hey, tons of people my age have grey--not a grey hair at 44 seems unlikely.)
I decided to focus on the conversation and didn't think about it much. We ended up getting some inexpensive sushi. He wanted to go for dessert, but I demurred and suggested we get together this coming week. Honestly, I didn't think he would invite me out again and that, following the Four Man Plan rules, I would have to invite him on a second date. (Yes, you read that right--I'll save the reasoning for another post.)
When I got home I had a short message from him saying that he had a great time, even though I was too tall and too smart for him. Yes, his 5' 10" was highly suspect--I have yet to meet a man whose profile says 5'10" who is actually 5'10" (same goes for 6'). Illusions of grandeur, I suspect, and not true maliciousness. Perhaps they don't believe me when I say I'm 5'11"? Ho boy, I am very much 5'11".
Anyway, I wrote back something light and friendly to let him know the height thing wasn't an issue. He wanted to get together today, Sunday, and I just wanted a day to myself so again suggested sometime later this week.
It occurred to me just a moment ago to pop over to www.peoplefinders.com. There are very few people by his name the country over, and only one in N____. He's 51.
I don't wish to be cruel or stalkery (people my age assume internet searches; I'm not sure J does--he basically said he wasn't into technology) but I want him to know that I detect an age difference that is beyond my scope of acceptance. He's just a few years shy of my mom's age, for Pete's sake! Any tips for breaking the news? Maybe just saying the bit about detecting an age difference is enough? Or should I point out the website and ask him if its accurate?
He did mention growing up in New York and appreciating the forthrightness there (as opposed to the much more laid back California). Perhaps I should just remind him of that and tell him the fast discrepancy in profile age to actual age is a dealbreaker for me.
Have any of you dealt with this sort of shenanigan? What did you do?
Ah yes. I found out before my first date with H (back in 2006) that he was 73.5, not 69; at the time I was 59. I was curious to meet him anyway, but I mentioned the age thing on our first date. He was embarrassed. It's a long story that I can't go into now, but we ended up having six dates. I was very fond of him, though he was really nutty, too nutty even for me.
ReplyDeleteAlthough H's age wasn't ultimately the deal-breaker, I'm really glad Funny Guy, my partner, is only 3 years older than I am.
But at your age, it can be a deal-breaker, and if you feel it is, then it is. Let's be clear: it's the actual age, I guess, and not the lie, that's the deal-breaker?
If you guys are communicating via email, I'd just write him as soon as possible and say, quite simply and directly, that you discovered he is really 51, not 44, and you feel that's too old for you.
Hey, this is a really simple issue compared to many others. If your feelings are Unambivalent, then deal w. the prob directly and soon.
sounds like you're maybe being too nice to this guy and a 4 guy rule sounds like a bad idea to me if it means dating men you sense all along are wrong for you. i didn't hear a single thing that suggested to me you like this guy, and lots of details that suggest he is wrong for you (lies + age among them). don't date him again!! you can say the age difference is too much without even indicating what you've uncovered.
ReplyDelete@Mimi: Oh yes! I remember those stories. As we age, I can definitely see the temptation in fudging on the truth. It's too bad that this guy (51) felt that that was too old. It isn't! Well, for me it is, but there are so many fab women in their 40s who would love to meet him, I'm sure. It smacks of insecurity.
ReplyDelete@Anon: I was incredulous when I wrote this post so I don't think my irritation shone through properly. :) I dealt with the situation promptly--tale to come!
~Ruby