Shenanigan

So somehow I've skated through the online dating world without running into any egregious lies. That's right, none of my dates posted pictures from years ago or said they were seven years younger than they actually were .... until now. And I'm not sure what to do about it, me being too kind and all.

I met "J" Friday night for drinks. Fortunately he recognized me because I didn't recognize him, though he did look vaguely like his photographs. At first I thought that he'd just cut his hair, which had been quite long. Good riddance; I'm not into long locks on a guy. And then as we talked I looked at his face and hands and began to doubt that he was 44, as his profile states. His hair was also suspiciously sans grey. (Hey, tons of people my age have grey--not a grey hair at 44 seems unlikely.)

I decided to focus on the conversation and didn't think about it much. We ended up getting some inexpensive sushi. He wanted to go for dessert, but I demurred and suggested we get together this coming week. Honestly, I didn't think he would invite me out again and that, following the Four Man Plan rules, I would have to invite him on a second date. (Yes, you read that right--I'll save the reasoning for another post.)

When I got home I had a short message from him saying that he had a great time, even though I was too tall and too smart for him. Yes, his 5' 10" was highly suspect--I have yet to meet a man whose profile says 5'10" who is actually 5'10" (same goes for 6'). Illusions of grandeur, I suspect, and not true maliciousness. Perhaps they don't believe me when I say I'm 5'11"? Ho boy, I am very much 5'11".

Anyway, I wrote back something light and friendly to let him know the height thing wasn't an issue. He wanted to get together today, Sunday, and I just wanted a day to myself so again suggested sometime later this week.

It occurred to me just a moment ago to pop over to www.peoplefinders.com. There are very few people by his name the country over, and only one in N____. He's 51.

I don't wish to be cruel or stalkery (people my age assume internet searches; I'm not sure J does--he basically said he wasn't into technology) but I want him to know that I detect an age difference that is beyond my scope of acceptance. He's just a few years shy of my mom's age, for Pete's sake! Any tips for breaking the news? Maybe just saying the bit about detecting an age difference is enough? Or should I point out the website and ask him if its accurate?

He did mention growing up in New York and appreciating the forthrightness there (as opposed to the much more laid back California). Perhaps I should just remind him of that and tell him the fast discrepancy in profile age to actual age is a dealbreaker for me.

Have any of you dealt with this sort of shenanigan? What did you do?

A Former Love Marries

Ugh. TOTGA got married.

I was over him, but still: at first the news (brought to me via a mutual friend's Facebook posts) hit me in the gut. And though I haven't obsessed or rent my hair, I am sad about it. It doesn't help that his new wife is reputably as crazy as his ex. (I like to think I'd be happy for him if he'd married well when in truth I might have given in to jealousy.)

What is it with nice guys and The Crazy? Or maybe TOTGA is less nice and more stupid than I imagined. (Come, come, Ruby. Where's your generous spirit?)

I do have a second date with A/S this coming weekend, so I'm happy about that. He asked me out again right away but through a vicious game of phone tag. We haven't actually spoken since the first date, which seems weird and Not Good to me. But ... I am heeding EMK's advice on mirroring and not stressing. Plus, there's something nice about just saying, "We'll see what happens," and leaving it there.

Otherwise, my dating prospects are slim to nil and that, coupled with TOTGA's marriage and my dark and hopeful thoughts for their unhappiness (so unlike me!), is depressing.

An Argument for Taking It Slow

I like Carolyn Hax. She's very practical and straight-up about things in a way that those of us muddling about in our social lives can never quite seem to manage.

I like her so much, I bought her book. Yeah, it's old-fashioned, written in 2001 (note facetiousness) but it's packed full of good stuff. Some of it doesn't apply to me (I don't "get fat" when I'm single; just the opposite), but the stuff that does is especially refreshing to read.

For instance, there's this gem in chapter 22: "Getting all excited when the other person wants to commit yesterday, quickly, now."

You've known you all your life, so you, naturally, have a nuanced opinion of what you have to offer. Therefore, you like to believe--we all do--that anyone who has a sudden, intense interest in you must somehow have picked up all these nuances. But what can someone possibly know about you after a couple of weeks, a couple of months even? That you're nice to look at, nice to talk to and you don't give off a smell. Don't mistake promising for profound.

Does that strike a chord with you as it did me? Does it make you think, "Ah, Mr. Right-I-Hope hasn't fallen in love with me at two weeks (one month, two months, etc). Perhaps I can calm down about it!" Yes, that's right. Ms Hax goes on to say (and I believe she is right) that there are several different ways the above scenario can play out: the romance quickly fizzles or:

People who quickly attach themselves to you often don't care to learn your nuances, ever. They want someone in the significant other role to make them feel normal/special/powerful, and they have a preconceived notion of how you should play this role, and they'll resort to all manner of controlling behavior to keep that notion intact.

I've experienced this, have you? This jumped out at me (especially) because of Guy, who wanted to be exclusive at 2 weeks. I've learned my lesson: beware the quick sell! So let's keep our heads (and hearts) about us and take our time. It can't hurt.

(I also like Ms. Hax because she encourages us single people to be ourselves while dating and to not worry so much about what is "supposed" to be done or said over whatever time frame. Because the goal, of course, is to find someone who loves us--me, you--as we really are, not as we might behave under a heavy onslaught of dating rules.)

Go forth. Be. Conquer.