Epiphany: I'm a Bad Dater

There are a few things that none of us wants to admit we're bad at--driving and sex are two biggies. On a walk this afternoon a realization hit me with a sickening thud: I am a terrible dater. And not just terrible, I'm a boring dater. Oh, god, what could be worse? I guess not realizing it would be worse.

Somehow I--moderately successful, attractive and intelligent--have gotten myself well into adulthood without understanding what it is to date--and date well. My typical MO is to find a guy I like, go out with him a few times (usually as few as 2 - 3 times) where we become exclusive and sleep together and then after a few months (3 is typical), I realize he's not the guy for me. I don't date around, which means there's a lot of pressure on me and this one guy to make something of the situation--either sex or exclusivity (usually both).

This is a recipe for disaster. More than that, it kills the enjoyment of getting to know someone--several someones--and making the best selection. (The whole sperm and egg scenario comes to mind. Natural selection exists for a reason!)

Why not create an environment where men can show me their best selves? Where I own my sexuality and share it when and with whom I choose? (instead of, oh the shame, having sex out of imagined obligation)

My excuse for focusing on one guy and one guy only in the past has been the area I live in. NV is tiny, true, but there's the East Bay to consider and Sonoma. And is San Francisco so very far?

I also haven't liked the idea of dating more than one guy at once. It seemed stressful and confusing, but I suspect now that the opposite is true.

So this is my new plan: to connect with as many guys as possible online and in everyday life and see what happens. I'm employing a close variation of the Four Man Plan--and so far, I've got only two quarter men, with nudges out to a few more on Match. Tonight I'll cultivate a few more.

Can this be done in the NV? Can this be done at thirty-{mumble}? We'll see.

Back in the Dating Saddle

So--let's skip past all the heartbreak. Basically, it all came to a head in late October/early November and I ended it. I immediately felt free, and have felt free since. Leaving Mac was hard, but it was the right decision--that's the stark truth of it.

Anyway, as I told Loverville a couple weeks ago (has it been that long already? time zips by these days): I joined Match. I blame Martha Stewart, because though she is of quite another generation, her joining Match put the idea in my head. Reader, I signed up.

So it's been two weeks, and so far it's been easier and more pleasant than any of my previous online dating experiences. Why? I just don't care--which, I suppose, defeats the purpose ever so slightly.

I've had a zillion guys view me--especially when I first signed up. I was low-hanging fruit and got tons of winks and one-liner chats/emails. My hair looks especially blonde in one of the photos, and I suspect this has something to do with it. (Also, c.f. "low-hanging fruit") That initial onslaught has fallen off significantly since I started. I haven't actively pursued (or, that is, emailed) anyone. I can't be bothered.

• I indicated interest to one guy who responded with an email--but turned out to be as interesting as a stack of bricks. (To be fair, I think the feeling was mutual.) I didn't respond after the second exchange.
• Another guy called me "sweetie" in his first email (which seemed very used car salesman to me, in the context) and I ignored him for a long while until he pinged me back. I emailed him, but I was bored, and he was bored--plus he called me sweetie again. I'm not going to bother.
• One of my winks game from a guy who had the handle "TattsNBeard." Sure enough--scads of tattoos and a powerful beard. I, endeavoring to keep an open mind, read his profile to find an articulate guy--and then I saw the pic of the tear tattooed at the corner of his eye. So much for open-mindedness!
• One guy favorite me, then winked at me, then--a few days later--sent me an email. I decided to go out with him.

We went out a couple weeks ago, and hit it off--hit it off in that we got along great and had an interesting first hour or so. See, I meant to keep the date to an hour, but we had two glasses of wine, and being in the wine country, it's not like you can nip into a cab and get safely home. We had to eat something, and so spent nearly 3.5 hours together, which just killed it. I don't even care, not a bit--but it is an odd phenomenon to get along with someone so well and then think to yourself, "Eh."

There have been other glancing tales to add to the above--mostly along the lines of the wistful older men wishing that my age range didn't end at 44. (I've been dating men who are 10+ years older than me for the last 6 years. I feel I need to dial that back a bit--not that I wouldn't date an older man again.)

I got a promising email a couple of days ago from a guy who shares one of my life-long interests: writing. In his pictures, he looks moody and overly intellectual. (So many guys make this mistake--shadowy, serious pictures, which I imagine they think makes them look sexy, when in reality it makes them look like criminals.) But his profile is interesting, and I'm keen on making contacts in this sphere, even if Twu Wuve isn't the end result. (Can you tell I have a thing for Princess Bride?) I think we're getting together Monday.

And tonight I met a guy in real life--such a rare thing. He was a bartender at a restaurant and took a shine to me the moment I landed. I know … bartenders! He gave me his card on the ruse of trading wine--he's starting a full-time job at a winery in the next couple of weeks (so no more bar tending). I checked out the wineries he works for--and it'll have to be 3-4 bottles of his wine to one of mine, but … I don't think this is really about wine.

I'm not exactly sure what the next step is. I guess I text him? I kind of just want to do it now, and not wait out some silly time period. Because, honestly, I'm over The Game. And odds are this one won't be Twu Wuve either.

And I'm fine with it. If I could be in my 30s forever, I think I would be perfectly happy with the occasional romance and an independent life. But I'll age, and I'm thinking that there's a comfort to companionship later in life. (More and more, though, I find that I crave a relationship that allows for two whole individuals--none of this melding stuff. More on this later--in 10 years, I'll probably have an entirely different view.)

Discussions and Repercussions

Something happened yesterday that is a perfect introduction into all the lovely discussions Mac and I had over the months of our relationship.

(Brief recap for anyone just joining in on the fun: despite my misgivings, I agreed to marry my boyfriend Mac last March--we subsequently broke up, and in a few posts I'm hashing it all out, with the idea that I'll learn from my mistakes, never to repeat them again. Amen.)

Midday yesterday I got a text from Mac. We have been in touch now and then since our breakup in early November--usually he's trying to win me back by declaring his love. More thoughtfully, he sent his condolences on the passing of a close relative a few weeks ago.

Yesterday, he texted me to find out if I was going to an art opening that night--because he wanted to avoid me. Ugh. Seven months post breakup, I feel this is crazy. It's true, the NV is small and one is liable to bump into all sorts of people, and our mutual friend owns this gallery … but it's been 6 months. I think we need to be mature enough to live and let live.

I responded with, "No, but Mac, this is ridiculous!" I was proud of my calling a turd a turd.

This inspired quite an exchange. And, of course, text is no place to argue. (But it also so happens that Mac doesn't listen in face-to-face "discussions," either--at least this way he can go back and read our thread, if he's so inclined.)

The issues we hashed out over text were the same ones we fought over in person, though Mac did apologize for telling me way back when that I "worried too much." (And it was more than that, folks. He actually very forcefully said--over and over--that I needed to be medicated for anxiety! I could have left him on that score alone. Not, mind you, that I have any problem with mediation--I just wasn't clinically anxious.)

The issues:

• He loved me. Couldn't I see that?! Apparently I need to remind him that I do not love him--I've done so before, but didn't bother yesterday. I only said that I thought he loved a version of me that doesn't exist. (Arguing in this way serves no purpose, I realize.)
• I need to have some faith in him! In the course of two years he didn't retain a part-time job, knowing what was at stake--i.e. our relationship; he didn't complete his bankruptcy proceedings (that's a whole other issue). I'm not so blind that I can't see writing on the wall.
• He wasn't going to let me be poor! This was a strange red herring, since, though I'm not anywhere near rich, I was definitely the money bags in this relationship. I don't know how he was "not going to let me be poor" since he had too much pride to get even the most humble of jobs. 
• [this from me] He stated once that he was attracted to successful women. "What if I'm attracted to successful men?" "You got me there," was his response. {History shows that I'm not attracted to successful men, however--at least in the short term. Gotta change that because the starving artist thing is not working.}

This was all "discussed" over the course of an hour. It was kind of ugly, but I didn't care--we had argued these points before, and at least with text, Mac didn't get on a wild streak and talk and talk and talk so I could not get a word in edgewise. 

In the end, he sent me a picture of a new artist's studio he's rented, and said, "Bye." I bet he's been dying to do that for weeks! My guess is his family is paying for it. 

I want him to be successful, but his success won't make me attracted to him again.

Anyway, these are the things we talked about over and over, from our engagement in Marge 2012 to our eventual breakup in November 2012. I was too kind. I expected him to understand things about me that he wouldn't--because he wanted me so much that he refused to see that we were not right for each other. 

Engaged--What The Heck?

If you've read any of the previous entries, you are probably wondering why the heck I agreed to marry Mac. It's a valid question; I wonder the same thing now, now that I'm out of the woods.

A week before he asked me to marry him we had a Big Discussion. Our first Big Discussion--and that it was our first such talk is completely my fault. This must have been early March 2012. I remember apologizing to him and telling him that I was only just realizing how serious he was about marriage. (False: according to this record alone, I was pretty sure he was on the marriage track in the fall of '11.) I explained that it takes me awhile to realize what I feel or think about a situation, and that he may have seen my gentle silence as encouragement where I was really only thinking about everything.

I know I brought up my concerns about his finances and job situation; I may have mentioned the whole sex thing, too. I told him we were not ready to get married. Mac reacted fairly well, I think--especially given later Big Discussions. He just said, "Well, this changes my plans …"

Ever the romantic, he couldn't see that my concerns were valid and important, and not the ravings of an anxiety-ridden chica.

I innocently thought that we were on the same page after this heartfelt talk--back to a more casual form of being, no marriage in the future.

A week later we were celebrating our one-year anniversary at a nice N____ V_____ restaurant. (And, by the way, I know you can decipher the location of the restaurant; I just don't want search bots to figure it out. This might be one of the few blogs that doesn't want to optimize for SEO!) We'd taken a cab, so indulged in cocktails and then a bottle of wine and a fabulous meal. Halfway through, suddenly I find a tiny, heart-shaped box in my hand. The tables that flanked us left and right were very close and therefore very aware of what was happening. It was loud; I was drunk. This was not the intimate proposal I had imagined.

But I loved him, despite our problems, despite the less-than-ideal atmosphere.

I said yes.

Foolishly, but perhaps predictably. I understand now (and I thought I did before) that love isn't enough. And I probably didn't truly love him, anyway--I know I didn't.

I couldn't sleep that night, spinning the vintage eternity band on my finger and wondering what I had agreed to and whether I had made a mistake.

You meet a man who can make you laugh, who is so helpful and considerate, who has a great personality and is cute, and you think, "Why not?" Well, there are reasons why not.

I didn't feel safe or supported, and though to this day he swears he loves me, I don't think he really does.

Since my last confession

Hello there.

I've committed the cardinal blogging sin: I disappeared without a word of explanation. So I'll explain now: it was all too much.

And that isn't a proper explanation, I realize. Aren't the best blogs the ones that are wrought? Well, I was wrought, my friends. (All three of you, if you're still out there.) Instead of spending hundreds (thousands?) of dollars on therapy--dollars I had a hard time coming by, since Mac wasn't exactly able to help--I should have written it out here. I may have arrived at the same conclusion sooner and less expensively.

Since November 11, 2011, the following things have transpired:

• Mac asked me to marry him; I said yes
• I knew immediately that it was a mistake
• I agonized; he basically called me crazy and said I needed to be on anti-anxiety meds
• Therapists (and psychiatrist) disagreed--thought my anxiety was incident/issue specific
• We broke up on November 2, 2012
• I was happy! And have been since the day we broke up, but recently that happiness was compounded when …
• I realized Sunday--fully realized--that despite all of his good characteristics, Mac is something of a shit. I refused to see it before. 

Friends, I'm getting ready to date again. Part of the preparation involves getting in shape (I gained probably 15 lbs during all of this drama); part of it involves fully understanding what happened so I won't repeat the same (same same same) mistakes (there's a dreadful pattern here)--and that's where this blog comes in. 

I'm going to revisit some of these key moments: the engagement, various fights/discussions, the breakup, the final realization. It should just take a few blog posts (four at the most), and they may come in rapid succession.

I'm ready to make a change, inside and out. 

Disregard Previous

I should know better than to post while stressed. Last week was a grueling work week and the agitation and frustration seeped into every party of my life but focused (increasingly) on Mac. And do you know what? The moment he walked through the door Saturday it all melted away.

It's true, I need to keep all these things (mentioned in the previous post) in mind, but I also need to rein in my tendencies to obsess and overthink and tiptoe to the dark side. There are things to work through, sure, but that doesn't mean we're done for. I do love him. Muchly.

Must employ the weapons in my power (communication, patience, de-stressing) and proceed. This is real, and reality has it's hiccups.

We just celebrated 8 months. At 9 months, it'll be a record for me. (Yes, if the fact that I've ended all my relationships till now well before the 9-month mark doesn't tell you something ... )

Magnifying Glass

Have you noticed when reading a biography (book, article, Wikipedia) that the person's choice of mate is reveals certain key traits? I'm thinking of American literary greats at the moment--Hemmingway, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, etc, etc. Their choice in wives and lovers said a lot about their characters. Have you ever wondered what your choices in significant others say about you?

Does that thought grip you as it does me?

We often talk about "our types" and I readily admit that I am attracted to a certain kind of man, but until tonight, I hadn't thought about what this long line of men says about me and my flaws. What am I not seeing about myself that a biographer would easily expose through my choice in partner?

Heavy thoughts for a Friday night.

I left you dangling after the last post. There's no ring on my finger, but Mac has talked plenty of marriage. Most of the time I am very happy: he is incredibly funny, he is attentive and exceedingly helpful, he wants me to be happy, he's great at home improvement! But last night, when talking to my mom (who I hadn't seen in months), she asked me where I thought we were headed, and I said, "We'll probably get married." And as soon as I said it, I realized that I am just not ready yet--the concept, while a happy one (or is it?), stresses me out. Marriage is such a huge thing--I am in a better financial position than he is (though not able to support another person entirely), why get married?

I realize you've missed all the in between stuff--last entry, I was over the moon and this entry I'm gunshy. I must seem crazy, but remember--some time has passed.

I need to tell him I'm not ready, and he may ask if I'll ever be ready and I'll have to say that I don't know. I don't want to break up; I just want the pressure lessened. He is a true sweetheart and any girl would be lucky ...

I read this in the transcript of Carolyn Hax's live chat today (love her advice, btw--wish I had found her years ago):

Q.

"WHEN IT'S RIGHT"

First, thank you for your consistently sound advice. I find myself curious about your perspective on determining when a relationship is right for the long term. How do you know? Is it when you stop asking the question? Or when you fall into a stable pattern? I've been in a relationship for nearly 3 years and find myself struggling to determine the criteria by which to judge whether this relationship will be right for me for the long term.

• –
  November 11, 2011 2:12 PM
• Permalink

A.

CAROLYN HAX :

I think it's when you really like the version of you that the relationship brings out, and when it's a version that's easy for you to maintain. And when you're no less happy to see the person walk in the room than you were at the beginning.

Thanks for the kind words.

– November 11, 2011 2:29 PM

Do you think she's right? I am inclined to agree with her, and when I first read it, I had a sinking feeling ... But then I also think that if Mac will give me time and not pressure me, I may come around.

That's the essence of it, so if you want to stop reading there, you have my permission. (you're welcome!) Here are what I see as complications to lifelong bliss--and notice that I am focusing on his faults, not mine, so this is entirely unfair:

1. He freelances--I've mentioned the financial issues before, but the freelance work brings up another issue: he has a lot of time on his hands--time spent alone. He thinks about me, misses me, wants to see me as soon as possible. Nothing wrong there, right? I, on the other hand, work in a busy office environment 9 hours a day. I'm multitasking, making decisions, fielding problems and solving them; I'm trying to stay on top of my work load and drive initiatives instead of reacting all the time to whatever bounces my way. I don't have time to miss or pine or think about him, and at the end of the day, I want to be on my own. We've worked this out (mostly) so that I see him on weekends and we spend one night together during the work week.

2. Yes, the finances. Those things again. I've told him that I won't move in with him (much less marry him) with a certain financial tangle hanging over his head. But it's a bigger issue than that: I don't know that I want to live with someone who doesn't know how to live within his means! Even if he were wealthy, it would stress me out if he didn't budget, save and plan.

3. I'm definitely a more literary/intellectual type. Do I need someone who keeps up with me? Not necessarily--I haven't found my male equivalent yet (who wasn't an ass), so ... No, maybe I don't need this.

4. Libido disparity. Another big one. He and I have talked this one to death. He would happily have sex every day, while I could compromise and have it once a week. (intercourse, with maybe some other fun activity--one that's quicker and requires less energy) I know--so unsexy! But it's true--I just don't have a big desire for sex (and do I envy you minxes out there!). This is a problem. He certainly deserves more, but we're caught here--I resent his implications that there's something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. (He hasn't said spelled it out quite like that.) There's a wide range of normal--why can't my level be normal and why do I have to be the one to try all manner of potions to get it "fixed"? (note: I have not sprung for this yet) Under it all, I do worry: am I not attracted to him? Are the other problems enough to quell a fragile and sensitive sex drive?

I think this all could be enough to doom a relationship. But could I still make it work anyway? It's different these days--women don't need men to put roofs over their heads. Do I want to be the one to put a roof over a man's head? I tell myself maybe, if I made twice as much, but maybe even then I would resent it.

I want to build something with someone. I don't want to be the provider, and I don't want kept. Are these things too much to ask and by asking these questions am I risking losing something truly great?

The Missing Ring

Summer passed so quickly--a whirlwind. My friends have recently accused me of being a social butterfly (me? The Introvert?)--usually in slightly hurt tones, as if I haven't been attentive enough. It's true, in previous incarnations, I was available at a hat's drop--movie? drink? Sure! But now, my weeks must be planned out well in advance. It's not just Mac, it's everything: exercise, therapy (yes, I started that up--I know some of you are thinking, Finally!), Me Time, the many varied friends ... And Mac gets precedence with weekends and at least one week night devoted to him.

Well, I decided I needed to carve out some precious time for you dear people--mostly anonymous, but no less appreciated. I decided this about 10 minutes ago as I was loading dishes in the dishwasher. I decided I would write about how I was really happy with Mac, never mind our challenges and faults. I would say that we were six months in and in love and that, finally, I am with someone I can marry. And I thought I'd tell you all how we've talked about Marriage, off-handedly but in a very real way.

And then, suddenly, something in my brain clicked: there was that missing ring on the stand. (I figured the cat had knocked it off and it was irretrievably behind the furniture.) I remembered that he'd been by the jewelers today to give them an heirloom that he's selling .... I considered how I'd lent Mac the keys to my place today and how he'd been here when I got home. I dashed back to the bedroom and sure enough: the ring was back.

Eeeks, you guys! I half wish I wasn't such a detective, but mostly I am delighted that I am delighted. I don't think The Ask is imminent, but I know what I'll say when he does ask. For the first time in my life, at the ripe, old age of 35: I am ready.

Dollar signs

Our week-long vacation/road trip went fantastically well. Seven days together, navigating road maps/gps and hotels and I wasn't driven mad! And neither was he! This is a record. More than that, I love him as much as ever--more, I think, if love is indeed measurable.

There are rough spots. Our big rough spot is his financial position. I want to help him without being a crutch. I want him to be happy. I don't want to support two people on my salary. He needs [equipment for his business] and a new phone (not to mention the rent that's due and new clothing), but even if I could afford to get him those things, I don't think we're at the place in our relationship where I should get them.

I love him, I do. The thought of us not working out makes my heart hurt. But we're not even five months in, and I am not rolling in cash. I think me playing fairy god mother (with cash I don't have) is unwise. And it's hard for me not to feel a little ... curmudgeonly about this. I found a decent job with a decent wage. Why can't he?

I hope to heaven this rough spot can be worked out because I don't want to be resentful or frustrated. I paid for this vacation of ours, and I'm OK with it. We had a fantastic time and I wouldn't take a penny of it back.

I just wish we were on equal footing, financially.

Luck in Love

Are you prepared for more swoon? Because that's all I have, folks. It's partly why I haven't updated because, well, it can be a bit much to read about someone who is lucky in love. (Sometimes ... am I right?) Also, I have been slammed at work, working over 14 hours the last two days on photo shoots. I'm exhausted, but as I noted to my friends last weekend on a road trip to LA: it could be worse. We could be working in a grimy-floored convenience store. (We had to stop at several along I-5.)

Anyway, things are going very well with Mac, and I'm not even waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're that good. I know what our sticking points will be: finances and (let's face it) slightly mismatched libidos. But, you know, there's always something. I think if we can just keep communicating and respecting each other, we can work through those issues.

I have never been in this place in a relationship before--in love, still, at the four month mark. I think it's a combination of dating the wrong people and really, really not being in a place where I could give and receive love. (As airy-fairy as that sounds it's really an important thing--to accept and to give. I couldn't do it for so long.) Usually at three months I was feeling extremely antsy and unhappy.

Mac and I have vacation planned in a few weeks--a big road trip. (We're going to visit my sister in one city, and then his sister in another.) This will be a big test, I guess, though I'm hardly thinking of it that way. We'll spend hours in a car together; negotiate all the adventures that will come our way. Will it prove that we're great together or will it be our undoing? Actually, I think a road trip is the perfect thing for a couple to do at the 4+ month mark--especially if they are moving along as successfully as we are. It'll tell us a lot about each other.

Mac's ex (again, a friend of mine) got a boyfriend a month and a half ago. This is very relieving. Two weeks ago, the ex de-friended Mac on Facebook. (O, Facebook! You necessary-ish evil!) Mac, hurt, texted ex to find out why. She said she didn't want to see what he and I were up to--however, she and I are still FB friends, so she can see any Mac/Ruby action. (We don't put up that much stuff, honestly ...) Well, that very same week she announced, via Facebook, that she and her boyfriend (of one month, at that time) are moving in together! I'm surprised, a smidge worried and, well, incredulous. I also hope they're happy. Rushed situations such as these have worked out before--I truly hope this one does ... (but, um, worried)

In other news, I'm working on some writing projects here at home--trying to, anyway. Focus is one of the damnedest things, as is trying to decide what to write about. So far, I've been writing about Love--because it's a theme that doesn't tire. We all crave it. There are other, great themes out there, though, that I'd like to tackle--but Love is a great place to start.

Wishing you all (how many every many of you still read here) much luck and much love.

Guess what?

It's been a month and a half since my last confession ... And there's much to confess.

All good things. Very good things. So many good things have happened since I last posted that I'm not sure if I should just skip to the nitty-gritty-wonderful truth or if I should (all writerly like) tease it out.

I don't have the patience for teasing out the truth, though, so here you are: Mac and I are together. Very much together. Like, "this is GREAT" together.

I've never been friends with someone before dating him before, and I have to say this has made a huge difference for me. I feel so much more comfortable, there's so much more trust. Feelings are truer, I think.

That's not to say that there isn't risk here. There is risk. This is new and we're each wearing our hearts on our sleeves. But I don't care--life is short. I want to love wholeheartedly. I haven't done this before.

One of the bigger things we've had to deal with is the fact that his most recent ex is an acquaintance of mine. I told her--weeks ago--that I liked Mac. This was after he and I had had one steamy makeout session and it was clearer than clear that we were going somewhere. The ex has been great--very kind to me and just cool about it all. I know it must not have been easy. In fact, she contacted Mac and asked him to let her know if we were going to be at an event that she might be at. (Small, small valley.) Even though she was the one to put the kibosh on the relationship, I understand--I didn't want to see Bill (my ex) with his new gf after I dumped him. Humanity and all that.

Anyway, I am aware of Mac's faults but I love the whole of him--despite the not-so-perfect things. I think I'm finally at a place in my life where I can look at a man for who he is and not wish he would transform into something else. Mac isn't going to save me or make me wealthy, but that's OK because that's not what I need in a man (salvation, bank account): I need someone who's in it with me. And he is.

So far.

Resolution

The ever wise Mimi commented on my last post that this situation seemed like the kind to drive one crazy.

Sure enough: Friday I felt myself slipping into Crazy Mode. Analyzing and worrying and just making myself miserable. It was practically an out-of-body experience: I could see myself festering and knew this was Bad and that I had to stop.

For one thing, I knew I was obsessing about the unknown rather than genuine feelings for Mac. Not healthy. (But at least I'm able to recognize it now--the first step in getting a grip.) Not healthy especially since my type (if we're talking types, as in the last post) tends to be Impossible Men--the ones that are just out of reach. Mac rolls right into this typecast, of course, so ... caution serves me well.

All this I knew, but Friday I still felt bad. I came home from work and wallowed a bit (to my shame) and then put on a movie. Halfway through I checked my phone, which was charging in the other room: a call and text from Mac!

Now, I'd told myself that I wasn't going to be at Mac's beck and call and had decided that if I got a last-minute invite I wouldn't accept. However, his message was that he was meeting his best friend (a woman) and did I want to join them? Harmless then. Besides, I hadn't eaten.

His best friend wasn't there when I arrived, so we had a good, long chat. Much joking, flirtation, and etc. And then he brought up Us, for which I was (and am) so grateful. He said I should know that he tells his best friend everything and that she's worried about our relationship--that she thinks Mac should take it easy for awhile, since I'm friends with his ex. "But I told her that I like you, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm not going to let that [the smallness of the valley/my connection with the ex] stop me from hanging out with you, you know?" I think he actually said it better than that, but that was the gist.

I was so relieved to hear where things stand. Honestly, it's what I wanted to hear. If he'd made a move, it would have freaked me out.

One thing I wonder is how he knows I like him--or, at least, I wonder how he can be so brave as to say (twice now) that he really likes me without me ever saying something to the same effect? I, in my stunted communicativeness, have not been able to say it quite so plainly. But obviously he assumes this is the case. Rightly so, but it kind of amazes me.

Well, I've got the crazy back down to a simmer. Steady as she goes.

PS: Heard from A/S yesterday. Granted, he was trying to get in at one of the wineries I work for, but kind of strange to hear from him after months and months! He also invited me "and my friends" to join them for dinner. I said it wasn't a good night (all my friends had other plans, for one thing), and spent a cozy night in, watching movies.

Definitely Something

Mac and I have been in regular contact since the last posting. Not every single day, mind you, but more days than not. And we've seen each other a fair bit, too.

The tone has been friendly and interested and casual. No proclamations or physical demonstrativeness, though, which I am completely unused to--and OK with. I haven't done the "take it slow thing" in forever--if at all. And given my propensity for falling out of love quickly and efficiently (9 months is my longest relationship to date, after all), I think slow might be good.

That said, I want him.

I am increasingly charmed and interested, and last night's date definitely had something to do with it. First of all, it was clearly a date. I wasn't sure--we'd been talking about seeing a movie for awhile and I figured it was just another chance to hang out. But when I arrived at his place after work and saw him all freshly scrubbed and be-sweatered, I realized that he was definitely putting the date foot forward.

We got drinks and nibbles before the movie and just talked and talked. We strolled down the streets of St. H____ and looked at storefront windows. TOTGA came up in conversation (briefly)--just as a point of "these are the people we know." And when we were talking about dating and types, he said, "Ruby, I like you. I like you a lot, actually"--and then went on to say that this wasn't necessarily true for him and me, but people are definitely attracted to types. (I'd been relating TOTGA's need for The Crazy in a woman so it seemed like Mac was referring to the more negative side of "types.") The air was cold and I was slow to realize what he was saying. My mind sludged through the possibilities: I was his friend and he liked me but I wasn't his type; I wasn't his type; he wasn't attracted to me ...

I'm an idiot. Is it any wonder I'm single?

Three quarters of the way through the movie, I'm sitting there in my chair reveling in the occasional gentle pressure of his elbow on my arm (yes, dry spell here of Epic Proportions!!) when I realize that he said he liked me and that the convoluted sentence that followed really had to do with his nervousness. For the rest of the movie I obsessed with my inability to loosen up, encourage, flirt. [yes, I'm playing fast and loose with my tenses, O Writers. I can't be bothered to edit]

As we walked back to his house, I grabbed his hand when we dashed across the street. (Or maybe he grabbed mine?) Then we let go.

At my car there was a moment, a pause, and I smiled and said, "What?" And he said, "Ah, get out of here." (friendly/jokey--not rude) I'm willing to bet he wanted to kiss me.

So you're all pulling your hair and gritting your teeth wondering why we're behaving like two virgins. Well, there's his recent breakup and our extremely small social network to consider, and the fact that he's a thoughtful person (as am I). Also, though he's told me he has no interest in getting back together with his ex, he cares about her and is worried about her. (She's going through a rough patch.) Given all those variables, I think the current state of affairs is fair.

But I hope there's resolution before too long. What I would give for just a kiss!

A Little Something

Big thanks to Anon and Loverville whose recent comments have nudged me to write a new post. For the longest time (well, since Jan 7) there wasn't much to write about anyway, but now ... There might be something going on.

As usual, this situation is rife with all of the issues inherent to dating in a small dating pool. I met Mac when he started dating a woman in my friend group last summer. (She and I are friends, but not at all close. I like her fine; we just don't click in any huge way.) Mac and I hit it off hugely and whenever we saw each other at parties or events, we'd chatter away at each other and just have a great time. It was great because it was safe--he was my friend's boyfriend. Come to find out, he'd also dated my previous boss--see how small the pool is? No wonder I thought he looked familiar!

So now, they've broken up. And we've struck up a friendship--or something. Last week we met for dinner and drinks (he paid). Then we texted back and for a few days--innocuous stuff. Then he said it's important that we be careful--that it was too soon for him to be friends with one of his ex's friends. Then I spent the afternoon at his house last weekend, just sitting in the yard and eating sandwiches and talking. He seemed really nervous. This week we missed connecting a few times, and then today I stopped by his place for a few moments before he went away for the weekend.

Obviously there's not much to tell, except I think there's something there. I know, I can't jump to conclusions, and it's not like I'm brimming with hope or anything. Last December, back when he and my friend were dating, I'd just gotten my hair cut when I ran into them in town. She (the girlfriend) was talking to someone else and Mac said how great my hair looked. "You've got the whole package," he said with real feeling and then walked away. (Oh those emotional, artistic types!)

I wonder if he still thinks that's true or if that was just safety talking? You know how it is, safely married men and partnered men always going on about your attributes and what a perfect catch you are. I wonder--are they just confident in their pairedness? And are the single guys just chicken-shit?

Well, I've caught Mac looking at me like he still thinks I'm The Stuff. I think he might have that Single Guy Chicken-Shit thing going on, but I think he also wants to keep a good rapport with our friend group. I respect that. I can bide my time.

Except that this afternoon I so wanted to grab him. Et tu, dry spell?