Guy will be here in a bit to pick up items. It'll be awkward. Did I tell you that he bought a very expensive bottle of wine this week and wanted us to have a postmortem today along with the vino? I refused. He was always inappropriately extravagant with his gifts (he makes only a touch more than I do and has financial problems) and this smacked of manipulation, though I don't think he was conscious of that.
He very much wants us to be friends, and while that's in the realm of possibility I've had to patiently explain that friendship can't happen right away. He needs to move on, and so do I. Right now, I think he's a bit obsessed.
Future dating plans? None. I'm in the midst of a job change (you know how stressful that is) and really just want to lay low for awhile. Ideally, I'll meet a man in real life right here in this valley. Wouldn't that be wild?
***
Update: Guy just left. He was so sweet and all of the things that made me like him in the first place shone through. I feel nauseated and wonder if I've made the wrong decision. This is an understandable emotional response, I suppose. My brain knows I just need to get a grip and step back, and if I need to reassess, then I should do that in a few months.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Single in the Valley--Again!
I need to be honest: TOTGA is a red herring and definitely not the real issue with Guy and me. TOTGA may have been handsome and brooding but he's not in the picture and therefore is not a real contender for my affections. (I feel very Jane Austen writing the word "affections.")
Last night I broke up with Guy because the truth is, I couldn't love him--no matter what the previous post stated. (Sometimes I'm full of it--a terribly unreliable narrator, the kind of narrator I happen to like the best.) He also had some issues, some qualities that I couldn't deal with.
He was needy. It's interesting to me that there are all of these advice books and dating sites geared toward women and all the things we do wrong in relationships. You know what? Guys can do them too: they can lay all their cards on the table too soon, call too much, display shocking insecurity. On one hand, it's a relief to know that we women don't have the crazy market cornered and on the other hand it's a big pain to date one of these guys. Yes, he called me (often) twice a night. Yes, he actually said that he was jealous of my girlfriends--who I hardly see! Yes, he wanted more of my time.
He had financial issues. I may have been nine years younger than Guy, but I had more of my shit together than he. I am not wealthy and sometimes my credit card runs a balance, but I try to live within my means and save, and I aspire to a more comfortable financial situation.
The circumstances of his divorce were a red flag. Yeah, divorce is difficult--always--and I don't pretend to know the full details. But through a carefully asked question last week I discovered that he just sort of stopped going home. No affair, no big declaration (until papers were finally signed, of course)--just a wasting away. I find it distasteful and the sort of thing that could repeat.
He had no social network. Guy had two friends--two. One nearby; one in another country. Don't get me wrong, Guy is a sweet person but somehow, through shyness or whathaveyou, he just hasn't formed more friendships. (Interestingly, my last three relationships have been with men who haven't had very many friends. Hmmm!)
He was awkward in social situations. He glommed onto me, and I felt suffocated. Enough said.
It seems like there was more, but I don't remember what it was at the moment.
So what next? I'm not going to hop back onto Match right away. I feel like I need to push the reset button and take a good look at what I'm attracted to. Why have I been dating the same guy? Older but full of issues? Next time around I would like to try someone who's outgoing--a real sparkler. And next time I'll take my time before launching into a relationship.
Last night I broke up with Guy because the truth is, I couldn't love him--no matter what the previous post stated. (Sometimes I'm full of it--a terribly unreliable narrator, the kind of narrator I happen to like the best.) He also had some issues, some qualities that I couldn't deal with.
He was needy. It's interesting to me that there are all of these advice books and dating sites geared toward women and all the things we do wrong in relationships. You know what? Guys can do them too: they can lay all their cards on the table too soon, call too much, display shocking insecurity. On one hand, it's a relief to know that we women don't have the crazy market cornered and on the other hand it's a big pain to date one of these guys. Yes, he called me (often) twice a night. Yes, he actually said that he was jealous of my girlfriends--who I hardly see! Yes, he wanted more of my time.
He had financial issues. I may have been nine years younger than Guy, but I had more of my shit together than he. I am not wealthy and sometimes my credit card runs a balance, but I try to live within my means and save, and I aspire to a more comfortable financial situation.
The circumstances of his divorce were a red flag. Yeah, divorce is difficult--always--and I don't pretend to know the full details. But through a carefully asked question last week I discovered that he just sort of stopped going home. No affair, no big declaration (until papers were finally signed, of course)--just a wasting away. I find it distasteful and the sort of thing that could repeat.
He had no social network. Guy had two friends--two. One nearby; one in another country. Don't get me wrong, Guy is a sweet person but somehow, through shyness or whathaveyou, he just hasn't formed more friendships. (Interestingly, my last three relationships have been with men who haven't had very many friends. Hmmm!)
He was awkward in social situations. He glommed onto me, and I felt suffocated. Enough said.
It seems like there was more, but I don't remember what it was at the moment.
So what next? I'm not going to hop back onto Match right away. I feel like I need to push the reset button and take a good look at what I'm attracted to. Why have I been dating the same guy? Older but full of issues? Next time around I would like to try someone who's outgoing--a real sparkler. And next time I'll take my time before launching into a relationship.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Shape-Shifter
"You couldn't make yourself stop feeling a certain way, no matter what the other person did.
You just had to wait.
Eventually the feeling went away because others came along.
Or sometimes it didn't go away but got squeezed into something tiny,
and hung like a piece of tinsel in the back of your mind."
--Olive Kitteridge, by Elizabeth Strout
You just had to wait.
Eventually the feeling went away because others came along.
Or sometimes it didn't go away but got squeezed into something tiny,
and hung like a piece of tinsel in the back of your mind."
--Olive Kitteridge, by Elizabeth Strout
Yes, this is about The One That Got Away (TOTGA) but also about the nature of love and from whence it springs--the shape and size of it. Sort of a "How to Spot Love at Thirty Paces."
(Not that I have a clue.)
God, a wonderful Valentine's day and I spend the last part of it (mid-romantic concert) thinking about dark, brooding TOTGA. Yes, he's the one that got away and good riddance. But ... I can't get him out of my mind, piece of tinsel or not. Others have not replaced him yet.
How does one know that she's in love? Evan Marc Katz brilliantly espouses that it's not how you feel but how he treats you. (I am probably misstating the facts because if this is the case, I have known love more than a half dozen times--an embarrassment of riches, for sure.) Guy treats me amazingly well, but I am not in love. I am fond of him, but that's not enough for me. I want to respect him and be proud of him. I want to walk into a room on his arm and be thrilled to be there, on his arm.
Too much to ask? A mark of a spoiled thirty-something who hasn't made the most of her fading charms?
Blech. So much for the size and shape of love. I suspect this Love thing is a shape-shifter and a glorious, different thing for each of us. And I suspect that Love doesn't choose you--you have to choose Love. (Yes, I fear it's as airy-fairy as that, the horror!) I suspect that if I wanted to, I could love Guy.
I might manage it yet. But how to squeeze out TOTGA?
(Not that I have a clue.)
God, a wonderful Valentine's day and I spend the last part of it (mid-romantic concert) thinking about dark, brooding TOTGA. Yes, he's the one that got away and good riddance. But ... I can't get him out of my mind, piece of tinsel or not. Others have not replaced him yet.
How does one know that she's in love? Evan Marc Katz brilliantly espouses that it's not how you feel but how he treats you. (I am probably misstating the facts because if this is the case, I have known love more than a half dozen times--an embarrassment of riches, for sure.) Guy treats me amazingly well, but I am not in love. I am fond of him, but that's not enough for me. I want to respect him and be proud of him. I want to walk into a room on his arm and be thrilled to be there, on his arm.
Too much to ask? A mark of a spoiled thirty-something who hasn't made the most of her fading charms?
Blech. So much for the size and shape of love. I suspect this Love thing is a shape-shifter and a glorious, different thing for each of us. And I suspect that Love doesn't choose you--you have to choose Love. (Yes, I fear it's as airy-fairy as that, the horror!) I suspect that if I wanted to, I could love Guy.
I might manage it yet. But how to squeeze out TOTGA?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Scratch That
Ahem.
What would you do if your very recent ex said: You're right. I've been moving too quickly. Three months is no time at all. I'm sorry. Can we make this work?
If you cared for him at all you might open up your arms and hold onto him tight and let a few gigantic tears make a mess of your face. Well, this is what I did, for better or worse.
And at the moment, I feel good about it--if a little sheepish. The breakup was real, trust me. And I would have been okay with it. But I am glad that we're together again.
The passive aggression is an interesting note, which I will be keeping an eye out for. (More on this later.) Luckily for us, I don't fly off the handle and am very calm and measured when faced with ridiculousness. We might turn out to be a good match yet!
What would you do if your very recent ex said: You're right. I've been moving too quickly. Three months is no time at all. I'm sorry. Can we make this work?
If you cared for him at all you might open up your arms and hold onto him tight and let a few gigantic tears make a mess of your face. Well, this is what I did, for better or worse.
And at the moment, I feel good about it--if a little sheepish. The breakup was real, trust me. And I would have been okay with it. But I am glad that we're together again.
The passive aggression is an interesting note, which I will be keeping an eye out for. (More on this later.) Luckily for us, I don't fly off the handle and am very calm and measured when faced with ridiculousness. We might turn out to be a good match yet!
Friday, February 5, 2010
The End of Amore
Things have been changing rapidly these last few days.
Over the last week or so I have realized that Guy is far more needy (and passive aggressive!) than I ever realized. The core problem was that he wanted to see me more than just weekends. (We did see each other several times a week until recently, when he offered--he offered!--to give me more space during the week.) I wanted to see him on weekends--my most cherished days of the week--because after long days at work, I couldn't bear being around someone who, well, wanted me body and soul. Too much pressure!
This sounds cruel. It is cruel. I explained to Guy that I wasn't as far along in the feelings department as he was and couldn't we slow down a bit? There were many discussions, some awful passive aggression and finally, tonight, he said that he just couldn't do it: people in a relationship need to be together. He said it wasn't right that he had to make all of the sacrifices. And et cetera.
He broke up with me.
It's true that I wasn't in love, but I liked him and would have happily stayed with him (until the neediness and PA became so evident) for quite awhile.
Tomorrow he's coming to pick up his stuff. Blech.
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