Engaged--What The Heck?

If you've read any of the previous entries, you are probably wondering why the heck I agreed to marry Mac. It's a valid question; I wonder the same thing now, now that I'm out of the woods.

A week before he asked me to marry him we had a Big Discussion. Our first Big Discussion--and that it was our first such talk is completely my fault. This must have been early March 2012. I remember apologizing to him and telling him that I was only just realizing how serious he was about marriage. (False: according to this record alone, I was pretty sure he was on the marriage track in the fall of '11.) I explained that it takes me awhile to realize what I feel or think about a situation, and that he may have seen my gentle silence as encouragement where I was really only thinking about everything.

I know I brought up my concerns about his finances and job situation; I may have mentioned the whole sex thing, too. I told him we were not ready to get married. Mac reacted fairly well, I think--especially given later Big Discussions. He just said, "Well, this changes my plans …"

Ever the romantic, he couldn't see that my concerns were valid and important, and not the ravings of an anxiety-ridden chica.

I innocently thought that we were on the same page after this heartfelt talk--back to a more casual form of being, no marriage in the future.

A week later we were celebrating our one-year anniversary at a nice N____ V_____ restaurant. (And, by the way, I know you can decipher the location of the restaurant; I just don't want search bots to figure it out. This might be one of the few blogs that doesn't want to optimize for SEO!) We'd taken a cab, so indulged in cocktails and then a bottle of wine and a fabulous meal. Halfway through, suddenly I find a tiny, heart-shaped box in my hand. The tables that flanked us left and right were very close and therefore very aware of what was happening. It was loud; I was drunk. This was not the intimate proposal I had imagined.

But I loved him, despite our problems, despite the less-than-ideal atmosphere.

I said yes.

Foolishly, but perhaps predictably. I understand now (and I thought I did before) that love isn't enough. And I probably didn't truly love him, anyway--I know I didn't.

I couldn't sleep that night, spinning the vintage eternity band on my finger and wondering what I had agreed to and whether I had made a mistake.

You meet a man who can make you laugh, who is so helpful and considerate, who has a great personality and is cute, and you think, "Why not?" Well, there are reasons why not.

I didn't feel safe or supported, and though to this day he swears he loves me, I don't think he really does.