Dollar signs

Our week-long vacation/road trip went fantastically well. Seven days together, navigating road maps/gps and hotels and I wasn't driven mad! And neither was he! This is a record. More than that, I love him as much as ever--more, I think, if love is indeed measurable.

There are rough spots. Our big rough spot is his financial position. I want to help him without being a crutch. I want him to be happy. I don't want to support two people on my salary. He needs [equipment for his business] and a new phone (not to mention the rent that's due and new clothing), but even if I could afford to get him those things, I don't think we're at the place in our relationship where I should get them.

I love him, I do. The thought of us not working out makes my heart hurt. But we're not even five months in, and I am not rolling in cash. I think me playing fairy god mother (with cash I don't have) is unwise. And it's hard for me not to feel a little ... curmudgeonly about this. I found a decent job with a decent wage. Why can't he?

I hope to heaven this rough spot can be worked out because I don't want to be resentful or frustrated. I paid for this vacation of ours, and I'm OK with it. We had a fantastic time and I wouldn't take a penny of it back.

I just wish we were on equal footing, financially.

Luck in Love

Are you prepared for more swoon? Because that's all I have, folks. It's partly why I haven't updated because, well, it can be a bit much to read about someone who is lucky in love. (Sometimes ... am I right?) Also, I have been slammed at work, working over 14 hours the last two days on photo shoots. I'm exhausted, but as I noted to my friends last weekend on a road trip to LA: it could be worse. We could be working in a grimy-floored convenience store. (We had to stop at several along I-5.)

Anyway, things are going very well with Mac, and I'm not even waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're that good. I know what our sticking points will be: finances and (let's face it) slightly mismatched libidos. But, you know, there's always something. I think if we can just keep communicating and respecting each other, we can work through those issues.

I have never been in this place in a relationship before--in love, still, at the four month mark. I think it's a combination of dating the wrong people and really, really not being in a place where I could give and receive love. (As airy-fairy as that sounds it's really an important thing--to accept and to give. I couldn't do it for so long.) Usually at three months I was feeling extremely antsy and unhappy.

Mac and I have vacation planned in a few weeks--a big road trip. (We're going to visit my sister in one city, and then his sister in another.) This will be a big test, I guess, though I'm hardly thinking of it that way. We'll spend hours in a car together; negotiate all the adventures that will come our way. Will it prove that we're great together or will it be our undoing? Actually, I think a road trip is the perfect thing for a couple to do at the 4+ month mark--especially if they are moving along as successfully as we are. It'll tell us a lot about each other.

Mac's ex (again, a friend of mine) got a boyfriend a month and a half ago. This is very relieving. Two weeks ago, the ex de-friended Mac on Facebook. (O, Facebook! You necessary-ish evil!) Mac, hurt, texted ex to find out why. She said she didn't want to see what he and I were up to--however, she and I are still FB friends, so she can see any Mac/Ruby action. (We don't put up that much stuff, honestly ...) Well, that very same week she announced, via Facebook, that she and her boyfriend (of one month, at that time) are moving in together! I'm surprised, a smidge worried and, well, incredulous. I also hope they're happy. Rushed situations such as these have worked out before--I truly hope this one does ... (but, um, worried)

In other news, I'm working on some writing projects here at home--trying to, anyway. Focus is one of the damnedest things, as is trying to decide what to write about. So far, I've been writing about Love--because it's a theme that doesn't tire. We all crave it. There are other, great themes out there, though, that I'd like to tackle--but Love is a great place to start.

Wishing you all (how many every many of you still read here) much luck and much love.

Love in 2011?

December was wildly busy. It's funny because I don't consider myself a terribly social creature but ... it was non-stop! No dates, but parties and grabbing drinks and dinners and whew. I'm glad for the relative social stasis of January (never mind that I'm going out tonight).

No dates, though. Yep, nothing. I haven't even attempted to "get out there." There is a slight crush on a guy in our friend circle, but the crush is really DOA because:

1. He dated (or is dating? she's out of the country at the moment) a friend of mine
2. He's one of those guys: fabulously good looking, really social, fun, etc. I don't want to spend my time fighting off the other women. No thank you.

Anyway, this crush and I have a fun (and mild) flirtation going on. I'm happy to keep it at that.

I guess what got me thinking about dating again is that a coworker yesterday expressed surprise when I told him I was single--and had been for nearly a year. His reaction (he being a guy's guy, an interesting guy, a guy with a girlfriend) made me feel good--attractive, hopeful, etc.

But you know, my single friends, I'm not sure I really want to be in a relationship. I am enjoying my life right now so much and feel so content with who I am, where I am, that I cannot imagine meeting a person that could fit into my life or add to it or ... whatever it is healthy relationships do. This is a great thing, this happiness.

One huge contributing factor: coming to grips with my father's death (years ago) and realizing, truly, that my future partner will not be some incarnation of him. (Yes, rife with psychological processes, etc., and I should have gone to grief counseling--I'd have come to this healthy conclusion far sooner and would have had better relationships with TOTGA and Bill.) The lessons we learn!

So, what will 2011 hold? Love? Sex? (pretty please! though I'm not entirely sure I can do one without the other any more--I've gotten old-fashioned with old age. Never fear, I suspect biology will out.) Whatever the year brings in terms of romance, I feel confident that I have the self-awareness and self-confidence to handle it all well.

Can't wait to see what's around the corner!

PS: Written to the tune of a delish Cabernet.

Slim Pickings

There's the UPS guy, he's cute--also possibly gay.

There's my coworker who just left his wife. So not conventionally hot, but hot just the same. I love that. (But, yes, bad idea--I know. Don't worry, I'm all bark and no bite. Plus I can hardly talk to him, he makes me so nervous.)

There's this guy, who I am meeting up valley for a team sport (must be ambiguous about which, since it's so searchable) tomorrow night. Yeah, I haven't seen him since then, though we've texted a few times. Once he asked me if I was going to some party. I wrote back that I hadn't thought about it and coyly asked if he was making a suggestion. He then replied that he wasn't going after all. Wha?! I hope his palm hit his forehead after he pushed "send." Needless to say, after that I didn't think twice about him. Until last week, when he emailed me to say (cleverly) that he wasn't sure if he should be offended that I never came out to any of his games. What the hell, right?

And then there's the 27-year-old who just invited me to hang out with him and his single roommate. The 27yo made sure to mention his girlfriend, just in case I was mistaken about his intentions. I did a quick search online and discovered that his friend is 26. Egads. For some reason I didn't tell the 27yo that I am in my mid-30s. Maybe I am amused. Maybe I'm flattered. Maybe I'm touched that I was invited. (Hey, I'm not an easy person to get to know, never mind invite anywhere.) But don't get me wrong: I expect immature jokes, beer, herb and whatever it is that guys in their mid-20s are into these days. It'll be so not my thing. (Except for the beer.)

(Important note: I don't mean to say that men in their mid to late 20s are immature. I just have a feeling these two are.)

So, yes, that's the current rundown. It's painful, really.

Not Lucky--Yet

August is a busy month here in the wine world. During hotter, more normal summers, we would already be in mad dash harvest. As it is, harvest is delayed until the first of September--at the earliest. Instead I've been busy with events and projects--your normal work fare.

And ... last week I witnessed a suicide. I know: awful, unbelievable, disturbing, and etc. I really can't say more here for searchability reasons, but if you'd like to know what happened, email me. Needless to say, that has taken a lot of dealing. (I know. You wouldn't think so--or maybe you would. I am resilient, after all. But it is rough to witness death, never mind a violent end--and that it was purposeful ...)

So, yes, the normal excuses for not writing--or dating!--busyness and, well, death. (Normal excuse? No, I guess not.)

But that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about dating.

Did any of you catch the CNN article a couple of weeks ago that basically said that if we haven't found someone yet it's because we haven't been lucky? (I would link to it but can't find it now.)

I know, not particularly earth-shattering at first glance. The setup was perfection, though. How many of you have heard "Oh, but you're so gorgeous/talented/amazing! Why are you single?" (I see a forest of hands out there.) The author pointed out what all of you know--that this "compliment" has a hidden (or not-so-hidden) barb: Fabulous You must be hiding some sort of dark, hairy, insidious Thing that keeps the men/women at bay.

And don't we all feel that way at times? This is why we pay so much money for therapy or dating coaches or books. We want to know How To Be so we can win over that Someone Amazing.

The author asked us readers to consider our married friends. Are they any more perfect than we? Good God, no. They are themselves--a little amazing, a little troubled, a little funny, a little ugly. And they found love. (Or, they found marriage--we know love and marriage aren't givens.) Again, we just haven't been lucky ... yet.

I'm all for self-improvement. I think it is important to be the best person I can be--within reason. (I will not become OCD about it!) But I'll be that person for myself, not in order to woo someone. Also, I think it's important to stay active and get out there, thus increasing the chances for meeting interesting people.

Anyway, I felt encouraged after reading that reminder.

Good thing, because a friend of mine let me know that TOTGA's girlfriend's Facebook profile announces that she's engaged. (It's not clear that she's engaged to TOTGA, but we assume that's the case.) That knocked the wind out of me for about 30 seconds and then I recovered. Earlier this summer I finally, finally got a grip and recovered fully from all that pining. Jesus.

In other, gripping news, someone at work who is so, so crushable (I swear I had written about him before) left his crazy wife. Of course, this is a definite No Go. But it's fun to think about. :)

Life, Lately

Oh, I have a pretty clear picture of my faults: slightly puritanical about sex (in some regards anyway), out of whack when it comes to men, clueless about the simplest of relationships. But I don't feel hopeless about it. What can I do but laugh and keep learning, right?

I'm reading Julia Child's "My Life in France" right now and I love that she just up and says that she was still figuring things out at the ripe, old age of 37. I'm still in my first half (barely) of my 30s, but I'm still figuring things out. I am leaps behind most of you, I'm sure, but it sure is fun to learn. (Agonizing, sometimes, too.) Bear with me. (Or don't--that's the great thing about blogs; you don't have to read them.)

Things are great on the man front. Great because I am having fun, goddammit, not because I have any dates lined up. Right now I am enjoying meeting men and flirting and not worrying about followthrough.

Note to any man who might be reading this: salsa is a great opportunity to meet women. I'm talking dance, not sauce. Saturday night I found myself at a downtown N____ location, leaning against a bar while my friend, Amanda, danced an expert salsa. I didn't think anyone would actually ask me to dance, what with my height and what with these modern tendencies towards male hesitance. Well, I rested my elbows against the polished walnut not two minutes before this handsome Latino man walked up and asked me to dance. I said I didn't salsa, but he didn't care.

Meanwhile, there was a bank of Caucasian men drinking beer and watching and missing out on the action. My dance partner, Roberto, and I had a lot of fun, never mind that he spoke two works of English and I didn't dance salsa. So, men, if you don't dance, I suggest you pick it up. We ladies love a man who can dance!

New topic: How many hints should a woman drop before she gives up? I'm talking about C. We ran into each other at a restaurant last week and the delight in seeing each other was obvious, and I emailed him after asking him how he liked the place. He wrote back but ... I have suggested places in downtown N___, have mentioned the restaurants and drinks I like all to no avail. I sense interest, but again--no followthrough. (Maybe it's the Height Factor??)

Do I want to be with a man so hesitant? No. So my very own suggestion to myself is: drop it.

Very good. Will do.

On another note, I went to a trivia night at a bar up-valley last night and it became crystal clear to me that my friend (I use the term loosely) had talked me up to the dear, extremely nerdy guy keeping score. (Another friend, when describing the scorekeeper to me said, "Well, he's definitely not 007 ..." Ladies, there's got to be a whisper of sexiness--at least!--in a prospective interest, right??) So all night long, Scorekeeper kept on catching my eye and giving me The Eye, no less. Awkward! If my "friend" had left well enough along Scorekeeper and I might have become friends and something might (ugh, can't imagine) have happened. But nothing can happen now, what with all that hope swimming in his eyes.

I left right after the game, apologizing to my friend-friend for having slept so badly the night before and being so tired. Scorekeeper was disappointed. Tough. Not interested.

So, yes, this is life: the men I am not attracted to stand there waiting for me to bestow favor upon them while the others are like vapor (truly, because I can't think of anyone I'm attracted to at this moment).

Ah, life. I don't mind it. (smile)

A Confession and a Vibe

Oh God. Oh head hung in shame. I have not been keeping up with my cheerful, optimistic, new exercise regime.

My excuse? The winery I work for is having a huge, fabulous, world-class event soon. There is only time to eat, sleep and recuperate. Hence, I have not seen Hunky Neighbor. So, yes, sorry. No exciting news on that front.

In addition to confessing the above, however, I wanted to remark on an interesting phenomenon. This afternoon I happened to be hanging with some guys at work--well, really, one guy in particular, with other guys hanging about. I was wearing a flattering skirt and top (perfect for this very hot day), so that could be it. I definitely got The Vibe from this guy--and actually, I've been getting The Vibe for weeks. Even though he is a good bit shorter than me.

Oh, but he's confident and Trouble. I can just tell. This is a man who knows his way around women. Danger, danger. I've dated these types and know this is a No Go. Still, that pull of attraction is so irresistible!

Or maybe it's just resistible enough to carry a fun flirtation throughout the course of my employment at the winery. Hmmm. That could be fun, too.

This event at the winery will have dancing and much (much) wine. I anticipate some frivolity ... Stay tuned. I hope I won't disappoint. ;) (All within professional reason, of course.)

First Rule: Get Out

I haven't created my man circle yet, which is probably why the man of my dreams hasn't walked into my life. Heh.

However, a guy did buy me a drink last week. He was short and quite a bit younger than me, but he was friendly and cute and I figured I'd practice flirting, which paid off since he slyly paid for my $14 glass of wine. (I'd put out my $20 and the bartender just made smaller change out of it for me, which I didn't realize until I got up to meet friends for dinner. Sneaky.)

As always, this holiday weekend caught me by surprise. I never seem to plan anything for Memorial Day weekend, and so, as in years past, I find myself fending for myself and catching excitement where I can. Yesterday turned out well, and it's still an early Sunday here on the West Coast--who knows?

My good friend Emily and I took a long walk along the N*** (again not spelling it out so avid, local googlers won't find me) River and then we lunched under an umbrella on a deck at our favorite eatery. Topics of conversation ranged all over the place but, of course, mostly had to do with men past, present and future. It's a fun topic to hash out, you know. (Yes, you do know.)

Emily is 41, once married and then engaged and all ready to walk the aisle (on Martha's Vineyard, no less) when two days before the wedding, her man called it off. Three years later, she's left her executive position, moved to N***, and is wondering what the heck to do with her life. She rents a small apartment on an amazing country estate. The owners are currently summering in France (ah, the life!), so we decided to take the conversation to the poolside lawn.

Just so you know, cheese, grapes, bread, strawberries and French rosé pair very nicely with conversation. We made plans for summer parties and just plain getting out. "Because we're not going to meet any men here," Emily said, gesturing towards the wooded hillsides. Yes, that's the thing: one may spend a wonderful afternoon sunning herself at a secluded, N*** location, but interesting men aren't going to emerge from the forest or vineyard.

A girl has to get out.

New Job, New Dating Pool?

So sorry to vanish like that--I got wrapped up in the newness of the new job. (Yes, I am finally in the NV* industry! And though work is work, it's still awfully nice to drive up to a beautiful winery each morning.) So what happened with Crush? Before leaving my old job I asked around a bit and discovered that he probably has a live-in girlfriend. That took the wind out of my sails just a bit, because while having a girlfriend isn't the same as having a wife, I was not so taken with Crush that I felt compelled to swoop in and make some grand overture. But I did tell a coworker that if he ever mentioned interest in me to give him my phone number.

I'm the new kid on the block at the winery, which is just like being the new kid at school (remember?). Or maybe it's better because there aren't cliques to break into and bullying to watch out for--at least in the adult world these things are usually much more subtle than in elementary/high school. The single men are curious, but again, it's hard for me to tell which are single because of the absence of wedding rings. (That whole thing about not wanting to lose a finger--which is valid in this business.) I don't really want to date where I work, but the Valley is so small and the pickings are so slim ... I think I will have to rethink that rule.

I heard something funny last week--something I hadn't heard in my eight years of living here: "The Valley is BYOB. 'Bring Your Own Boyfriend.'" Oh cruel truth! (Although I have dated a lot here, I must say. Rather indiscriminately at first, but I was merely a late bloomer, trying to figure out what I wanted.)

So what I need to do is step it up, socially speaking. I need to get out more, smile more, show more interest and friendliness. I, being tall and a watchful sort, am not the most approachable chica on the block. I also need to step up the exercise program--ahem.

The things we do to not be solo for ever and ever.

*NV is shorthand for, you know, the name of this valley. I don't want to spell it out since I'll then pop up in Google Alerts and risk exposure. Scary stuff.

Calm Before the Storm?

I feel like I haven't been holding up my end of the blogging bargain because, my sweets, I have nothing going on romantically ... and I am fine with it. I have too much going on otherwise! Too much excitement over the new job, too many plans for an updated wardrobe, too many starry-eyed dreams for the future ...

But I have started doing something that I haven't done in ages: I've been noticing men. That is, I scope out rooms and I look around to see if I I, in turn, have been spotted. Vain? Yes. But it's also part of the whole dating ritual. Catch an eye and you never know ... Also, I am taking mental notes on what men I find attractive seem to be drawn to.

And just who do I find attractive? Dammit, the sensitive, artistic types. It's true. Most of my guys fall into this category. Guy (my last boyfriend) was more sensitive than most women I know--ugh! So now I want to swing the other way (though not completely). I still like that strong, silent type--but I'd like a little pinch of outgoingness, too.

Whatever. Show me a handsome man at the back of the room and I'll show you one very interested woman. (TOTGA had this quality in spades, and no matter how much I tell myself that he was a lurker, I know it isn't true. He was an observer, and I love that, damn him.)

I promise I'll scare up a good story soon, but for now it's a lot of quality time with the girlfriends--dining out at fabulous NV restaurants. It's a tough life, but I'm happy to live it.

Out With the Old, In With the New

Crush schmush. I've been too busy to give matters of the heart much thought.

See, I landed a dream job. Yes, please--pat me on the back because in these economic times (and in this small valley) finding a good job is as legendary as a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. I am still pinching myself! I have two weeks left at my old job and then it's on to bigger and better things--and with new employment comes new people. New man people! Though I would rather not date someone at work, the network is greatly expanded with a new job. You know.

In other news, Bill helped me out the other day. I was working on a photo shoot and needed a hand model at the last minute. Bill is looking good--all trim and angular. While we were talking he hinted at taking someone out for dinner, under the auspices of complaining about meal prices here in the NV--but really, I know he wanted me to ask, "Are you seeing someone then?" I didn't ask.

I miss him some and I suppose if I didn't have this new job looming gloriously in the near future I might have done something to worm my way back in. I'm glad I haven't, though, because I wouldn't want to risk hurting him twice, and though I care for him greatly I don't know that I love him the way I should.

The women I was with, though, later told me he was soooo cute and why did I ever leave him? It's true, Bill is conventionally hot (especially now that he's a lean, mean bachelor machine) but ... hotness only gets you so far, I guess.

Anyway, it's on to bigger and better for me.