Romance or Chemistry?

Anon. left a great question on my previous post--why stay friends? I'm not sure if the question is "Why bother?" or "Why did you decide to go the friend route?" I'm going with the second interpretation. (If I'm wrong, let me know.)

And here's what I find interesting and perplexing: A/S said he didn't feel the romance on the second date. I said, "Isn't romance something you build up to in a relationship?" And he said no. That in his experience, physical attraction, even, could develop later but romance is always there from the beginning.

Yeah.

So even though I am still really impressed with his contacting me ... I think I dodged a bullet. OR maybe to him "chemistry" and "romance" are interchangeable? I'd understand that. You feel it or you don't. (But I think we all run the chance of erring with dismissing too quickly. How many happily coupled/married people do you know who say, "Yeah, I totally didn't get him at first. Couldn't stand him." I know several.)

But in other news, I am definitely feeling chemistry/romance/whatever with my coworker (CW)! (Too complicated. Ugh.) I can't discern his status and the tale there is too juicy to ask another coworker, lest the gossip start. When I look at CW he practically glows I'm so attracted to him. I know: gross. I only mention this because it's such a rare thing, me being that attracted to a guy.

He and I don't work together much, but we met today briefly to discuss a project and ... I think he tried to impress me a little. I allowed myself to be impressed--a little. (This is something I need to work on. I used to pride myself in "not pandering to the male ego." I'm so ashamed to admit it, but it explains a lot about my dating history. Oops! I didn't mean to be a bitch.) I know I am getting older because I love the lines on his face. (He's in his 30s like me.)

I'm just going to let that one coast. Meanwhile, I'm communicating with two guys on OKCupid (I know--two whole guys!). I desperately need to revamp my profile.

A First

The coolest thing happened! A/S and I spoke Friday and after a good conversation about why the second date was so weird, he let me know that he preferred that we remained friends. Whether we actually stay friends or not is beside the point (though I hope we do): I have never had a man call me after two dates and let me know where things stood! Have you? (My girlfriends are incredulous and impressed with A/S.) That man has chalked up some good dating karma points for sure, and his honesty and forthrightness has buoyed my spirits. I hope he finds his person soon.

The incredibly cute photographer mentioned in the previous post was as cute and nice and funny and great as ever yesterday. I suspect that he is gay after all, and anyway he mentioned a "we." So male or female, I'm definitely not in the running. Oh well. I wore a super cute outfit for the day-long shoot and garnered the attention of his assistant and my coworkers. I still got it. ;)

Or, actually, I think I got some of It back. After three months of regular exercise, I am finally seeing some noticeable slimming and toning. My clothes fit better, I feel better and ... just those two things make me feel far more confident about myself--more than 5 lbs (if that) could warrant.

Sunday night I went to a party with a bunch of friends and had the best time. I ended up staying until the wee hours and dancing my feet off. One of our friends, Drop Dead, was super nice and complimentary and fun, but I know he was just feeling lonely. (Such a nice guy, and so conventionally HOT. I'd prefer someone not so sizzling, you know?)

I'm writing one guy on OKC. I'm not jazzed about him, but I'm following the Four Man Plan credo to not discredit anyone unless he gives me the "ickies." (And being bald or too short or too hairy or ... etc. doesn't count, according to Cindy Lu. Ickies kick in when you feel like he could be abusive or that you wouldn't be safe or anything along those lines.) I need to shine my profile, though, but who has the time?

Just a Little Crush

I am seriously crushing on this photographer we are working with next week. He's from SF and really too gorgeous, but he's also such a nice, smart, articulate guy. I've fallen hard--but not so hard that I won't bounce back.

I've been agonizing over what to wear for the photo shoot (note that I am not the one being photographed). I bought a pair of those trendy skinny pants but am not sure they look right on me--will take them for a test run this weekend. He's so hip, and I just feel very N___ Valley--a style that's hard to describe.

Mainly, I'm trying to remember that you just don't know what a person is looking for, and the best bet is to be yourself and show interest. I am also trying to bolster my confidence by recalling that Bill and TOTGA were two of the handsomest men in [Very Small Town] and they both dug me. Why can't this guy? It's possible, right?

With my luck, he's gay (and so subtly so that I didn't detect it) or engaged.

I got a message from A/S tonight. Just: "Hey, call me when you get this." I was really surprised to hear from him. I expected this would just be one of those "fade to black" situations. But now I suspect he's calling to tell me he isn't interested. (If so, this is a first--a guy has NEVER done that--so maybe it's something else?) I called him back, but it went straight to voicemail. Mystery.

Oh well. A/S is still on my 4MP grid. I need to collect more. Maybe I'll put the crush above on the grid just for the sake of using a space--and for inspiring confidence and hope.

Uno, Dos, Tres ... Quatro

I've done the thing I swore I would never do: I've gone back online.

Yes, as of about 30 minutes ago, I am indeed back in the murky, funky world of online dating. I know--I can't believe it either.

What hath possessed me to do such a thing? The fault lies in two places: this book and gin&tonic. (mostly the former)

I think I missed The Four Man Plan (4MP) craze (partially available on Google Books!), but the book resonated with me. (And here I try to summarize the book and fail completely.) One of my Great Faults in my dating "career" is that I've let men know they were the sole competitor way too soon. It puts way too much pressure on the poor guys and it makes me (sweet, sane little me) obsessive. I am sure that the reason that Guy and Bill fell smack-dab in love with me is that they were trying to win me over, never mind that they weren't competing against men--they were competing against the worst adversary of all: my dark, cold heart.

Another issue? I sleep with guys too soon. I do. I cast no judgement elsewhere, I'm just saying that for me, raging hormones + jumpy nerves = early sex. And that's all fine and good for, you know, a passing dalliance--but for a long-term thing, it's better (for me) not to jump so quickly. The 4MP outlines some great ways to keep it in perspective and under control.

Oh ugh. I'm not describing my thoughts or the book well at all and I sound like I guzzled the kool-aid. If you're at all curious (and I don't know why you would be after reading this), you can buy it at audible.com--and save yourself the embarrassment of buying it at a bookstore. :)

PS: Second date with A/S yesterday. Fun but totally void of zing. He was apparently running on two hours of sleep, which could explain it. I'm feeling very eh about it ... but! He's the only guy in my 4MP mantris (this will NOT make sense unless you've read the book), so onward. I need to collect more men for the mantris--hence the online signup.

(I think I need to explain myself, but the g&t has gone to my head. More later. Wish me luck on the online dating thing. I can't believe I'm doing this--again!)

Problems

First of all, a huge thank you to the wise and wonderful Mimi. Though she has moved on from her blog, she can still treat us to her wisdom and humor! Thank you, Mimi, for reminding me that feelings are feelings are feelings. And can be expressed. (Um. Top of my to do list: Find a shrink.)

This afternoon I emailed Bill. Bill the ex. Bill whose heart I broke nearly a year and a half ago. Bill who I keep in contact with now and then. The very Bill who has been dating a woman for ten months.

I emailed him just to say hey and to mention that I saw him at a distance Saturday. (And, yes, nostalgia--or something--was probably welling to the surface after the TOTGA news.) We emailed back and forth a couple of times this afternoon--very friendly. I made no mention of my dating life whereas he sprinkled his gf's name here and there in his emails. And in his final email he forwarded a bunch of vacation pics--luckily neither he nor his lady love were pictured, but there were plenty of gorgeous vistas, cozy campfires, intimate glasses of wine pictured. It irritated me.

I haven't responded and may not at all. I know I'm sensitive due to the whole TOTGA bit, and I definitely don't want to lash out at Bill over such a minor thing. I don't appreciate having their coupledness flaunted in front of me like that. I suppose it says something that Bill needs to flaunt ...

Yes, I think the best response is no response. I owe him some money. I'll drop him a check in the mail and that will be it.

In other news, that 27yo suddenly started texting me tonight--the one who has a girlfriend, supposedly. His texts are so ... 27yo. At first I thought it was a guy from work by the same name, and it all made sense because the guy at work (very young) has been really friendly lately and blushed furiously when I told him he looked nice one day. Oh, but no--it's not my workmate but this other guy and ... I don't even want to go there. (Yet I can't exactly blow him off too harshly because he's my neighbor's friend. Dammit.)

There are things I need and a 27yo paramour is not one of them.

... Or is it??

Ha. Just kidding.

What I need is A/S to be seen at my house--all 6'4" of him. That'll solve it.

A Former Love Marries

Ugh. TOTGA got married.

I was over him, but still: at first the news (brought to me via a mutual friend's Facebook posts) hit me in the gut. And though I haven't obsessed or rent my hair, I am sad about it. It doesn't help that his new wife is reputably as crazy as his ex. (I like to think I'd be happy for him if he'd married well when in truth I might have given in to jealousy.)

What is it with nice guys and The Crazy? Or maybe TOTGA is less nice and more stupid than I imagined. (Come, come, Ruby. Where's your generous spirit?)

I do have a second date with A/S this coming weekend, so I'm happy about that. He asked me out again right away but through a vicious game of phone tag. We haven't actually spoken since the first date, which seems weird and Not Good to me. But ... I am heeding EMK's advice on mirroring and not stressing. Plus, there's something nice about just saying, "We'll see what happens," and leaving it there.

Otherwise, my dating prospects are slim to nil and that, coupled with TOTGA's marriage and my dark and hopeful thoughts for their unhappiness (so unlike me!), is depressing.