I like her so much, I bought her book. Yeah, it's old-fashioned, written in 2001 (note facetiousness) but it's packed full of good stuff. Some of it doesn't apply to me (I don't "get fat" when I'm single; just the opposite), but the stuff that does is especially refreshing to read.
For instance, there's this gem in chapter 22: "Getting all excited when the other person wants to commit yesterday, quickly, now."
You've known you all your life, so you, naturally, have a nuanced opinion of what you have to offer. Therefore, you like to believe--we all do--that anyone who has a sudden, intense interest in you must somehow have picked up all these nuances. But what can someone possibly know about you after a couple of weeks, a couple of months even? That you're nice to look at, nice to talk to and you don't give off a smell. Don't mistake promising for profound.
Does that strike a chord with you as it did me? Does it make you think, "Ah, Mr. Right-I-Hope hasn't fallen in love with me at two weeks (one month, two months, etc). Perhaps I can calm down about it!" Yes, that's right. Ms Hax goes on to say (and I believe she is right) that there are several different ways the above scenario can play out: the romance quickly fizzles or:
People who quickly attach themselves to you often don't care to learn your nuances, ever. They want someone in the significant other role to make them feel normal/special/powerful, and they have a preconceived notion of how you should play this role, and they'll resort to all manner of controlling behavior to keep that notion intact.
I've experienced this, have you? This jumped out at me (especially) because of Guy, who wanted to be exclusive at 2 weeks. I've learned my lesson: beware the quick sell! So let's keep our heads (and hearts) about us and take our time. It can't hurt.
(I also like Ms. Hax because she encourages us single people to be ourselves while dating and to not worry so much about what is "supposed" to be done or said over whatever time frame. Because the goal, of course, is to find someone who loves us--me, you--as we really are, not as we might behave under a heavy onslaught of dating rules.)
Go forth. Be. Conquer.
Ms. Hax is not feeling what I am feeling at this moment! LOL Anxious and excited about a date tomorrow. All the lights are green and no flags yet. Getting hopeful. Very...well...corneo as they say in Italian! Not that I would on a first date.
ReplyDeleteBut when does one become exclusive? According to Ms. Hax a few months?? It's so difficult to meet someone you enjoy and begin to build a relationship with and then not let the others slip out of the picture. When do you sleep with that person?
I can date multiple people at a time but as soon as I get that feeling with one it's impossible to date the other ones.
This is all very difficult. Sometimes I feel all grown up and then suddenly I am confused as a virgin.
Thanks for sharing and I'll give Ms. Hax a chance and check out her book.
Oh, there is nothing wrong with excitement!! Yay!
ReplyDeleteI think Hax is saying that it's wise to go into a relationship having as much information as you can gather. And as for all those "whens" (which drive me crazy, too), each situation is different. Who knows?
Personally, and after Guy's over-enthusiasm, I'm inclined to take my time. It can't hurt.