Out With the Old, In With the New

Crush schmush. I've been too busy to give matters of the heart much thought.

See, I landed a dream job. Yes, please--pat me on the back because in these economic times (and in this small valley) finding a good job is as legendary as a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. I am still pinching myself! I have two weeks left at my old job and then it's on to bigger and better things--and with new employment comes new people. New man people! Though I would rather not date someone at work, the network is greatly expanded with a new job. You know.

In other news, Bill helped me out the other day. I was working on a photo shoot and needed a hand model at the last minute. Bill is looking good--all trim and angular. While we were talking he hinted at taking someone out for dinner, under the auspices of complaining about meal prices here in the NV--but really, I know he wanted me to ask, "Are you seeing someone then?" I didn't ask.

I miss him some and I suppose if I didn't have this new job looming gloriously in the near future I might have done something to worm my way back in. I'm glad I haven't, though, because I wouldn't want to risk hurting him twice, and though I care for him greatly I don't know that I love him the way I should.

The women I was with, though, later told me he was soooo cute and why did I ever leave him? It's true, Bill is conventionally hot (especially now that he's a lean, mean bachelor machine) but ... hotness only gets you so far, I guess.

Anyway, it's on to bigger and better for me.

Springtime crush

It feels like early summer (instead of barely spring) here in California. The birds are twittering, leaves are leafing, and I ... well I have a crush. I know--how spring-like!

Crush is a contract worker at my place of work. He's been around for a couple of years, and I always thought he was interesting to look at (I've only ever seen him from a distance--though sometimes a small distance, it's true). Well dammit, Ruby, why don't you talk to him? Yes, I am scarily good at reading your minds.

I have talked to him--on the phone. And the distressing thing is, I don't think he has put my voice and face together. Because when I see him (from a distance, short or long) I know he notices me. Yeah, I know--you're clicking your tongues and asking me why I haven't marched my perky self up to him and introduced myself.

Because ... I just recognized the crush two days ago and haven't seen him in the interim. Is that good enough for you?

Anyway, he's probably married--he's confident and authoritative and those types always seem to have taken their vows.

But a crush is sure fun. ;)

Purpose

Yesterday my hairstylist told me that she is thinking about getting a divorce. In fact, she had all but decided to file when her child came down with pneumonia.

"I just want to be alone," she said as she snipped away at my hair. "It's so much easier to be single."

"Yeah," I agreed, "but who wants to be 70 and alone?"

"I do," she said.

I get that. But as a fellow introvert, I wanted to tell her that her viewpoint might change. That there's something about having the support of a significant other ... And that's what I think I am missing right now, hence the nostalgia for Bill. I miss having someone solidly in my corner and soon enough I'll miss the sex, too, and will be off on the hunt for a new man. (Oh cruel biology! Because it would be easier to be single, it would.)

There's something about having someone in your life that gives life a sharper sense of purpose.

Match.com might be getting some more of my hard-earned dollars soon, dammit.

Bill? Is that you?

I've been in contact with Bill lately. Yes, that's right, Bill--the ex. (The ex before Guy. The one who I escaped the heartbreak of TOTGA for.) I've been in contact with him mostly because of work things (he's managing some projects for us) but also because of a computer in my possession that belongs to him.

It's snuck up on me, but I am sure you are a step ahead of me and know what I am about to type here: I miss him.

I'm suspicious of this, of course. Why didn't I miss him all summer? I distinctly remember feeling relieved when we broke up ... But sad, too. We were such good friends.

I don't plan to do anything about this. I need to sit with this feeling and see what it's all about. But I wonder if the situation with Guy has just opened my eyes to how compatible Bill and I really were and how good a thing that was. I wonder if, having finally gotten over TOTGA, I see Bill for who he is, all the good along with all those faults.

Usually I think the instinct to break up is the right thing and that it's better to not go back on it. I'm curious, though: Have ever gotten back together with an ex with positive results? Or do you know anyone who has?

An Argument for Taking It Slow

I like Carolyn Hax. She's very practical and straight-up about things in a way that those of us muddling about in our social lives can never quite seem to manage.

I like her so much, I bought her book. Yeah, it's old-fashioned, written in 2001 (note facetiousness) but it's packed full of good stuff. Some of it doesn't apply to me (I don't "get fat" when I'm single; just the opposite), but the stuff that does is especially refreshing to read.

For instance, there's this gem in chapter 22: "Getting all excited when the other person wants to commit yesterday, quickly, now."

You've known you all your life, so you, naturally, have a nuanced opinion of what you have to offer. Therefore, you like to believe--we all do--that anyone who has a sudden, intense interest in you must somehow have picked up all these nuances. But what can someone possibly know about you after a couple of weeks, a couple of months even? That you're nice to look at, nice to talk to and you don't give off a smell. Don't mistake promising for profound.

Does that strike a chord with you as it did me? Does it make you think, "Ah, Mr. Right-I-Hope hasn't fallen in love with me at two weeks (one month, two months, etc). Perhaps I can calm down about it!" Yes, that's right. Ms Hax goes on to say (and I believe she is right) that there are several different ways the above scenario can play out: the romance quickly fizzles or:

People who quickly attach themselves to you often don't care to learn your nuances, ever. They want someone in the significant other role to make them feel normal/special/powerful, and they have a preconceived notion of how you should play this role, and they'll resort to all manner of controlling behavior to keep that notion intact.

I've experienced this, have you? This jumped out at me (especially) because of Guy, who wanted to be exclusive at 2 weeks. I've learned my lesson: beware the quick sell! So let's keep our heads (and hearts) about us and take our time. It can't hurt.

(I also like Ms. Hax because she encourages us single people to be ourselves while dating and to not worry so much about what is "supposed" to be done or said over whatever time frame. Because the goal, of course, is to find someone who loves us--me, you--as we really are, not as we might behave under a heavy onslaught of dating rules.)

Go forth. Be. Conquer.