I need to be honest: TOTGA is a red herring and definitely not the real issue with Guy and me. TOTGA may have been handsome and brooding but he's not in the picture and therefore is not a real contender for my affections. (I feel very Jane Austen writing the word "affections.")
Last night I broke up with Guy because the truth is, I couldn't love him--no matter what the previous post stated. (Sometimes I'm full of it--a terribly unreliable narrator, the kind of narrator I happen to like the best.) He also had some issues, some qualities that I couldn't deal with.
He was needy. It's interesting to me that there are all of these advice books and dating sites geared toward women and all the things we do wrong in relationships. You know what? Guys can do them too: they can lay all their cards on the table too soon, call too much, display shocking insecurity. On one hand, it's a relief to know that we women don't have the crazy market cornered and on the other hand it's a big pain to date one of these guys. Yes, he called me (often) twice a night. Yes, he actually said that he was jealous of my girlfriends--who I hardly see! Yes, he wanted more of my time.
He had financial issues. I may have been nine years younger than Guy, but I had more of my shit together than he. I am not wealthy and sometimes my credit card runs a balance, but I try to live within my means and save, and I aspire to a more comfortable financial situation.
The circumstances of his divorce were a red flag. Yeah, divorce is difficult--always--and I don't pretend to know the full details. But through a carefully asked question last week I discovered that he just sort of stopped going home. No affair, no big declaration (until papers were finally signed, of course)--just a wasting away. I find it distasteful and the sort of thing that could repeat.
He had no social network. Guy had two friends--two. One nearby; one in another country. Don't get me wrong, Guy is a sweet person but somehow, through shyness or whathaveyou, he just hasn't formed more friendships. (Interestingly, my last three relationships have been with men who haven't had very many friends. Hmmm!)
He was awkward in social situations. He glommed onto me, and I felt suffocated. Enough said.
It seems like there was more, but I don't remember what it was at the moment.
So what next? I'm not going to hop back onto Match right away. I feel like I need to push the reset button and take a good look at what I'm attracted to. Why have I been dating the same guy? Older but full of issues? Next time around I would like to try someone who's outgoing--a real sparkler. And next time I'll take my time before launching into a relationship.
The no-social-network thing is an important red flag when a guy is needy. Interestingly, most of the men I've been with had very few or no friends at all. At first all of that attention is flattering, but then it becomes suffocating.
ReplyDeleteGood luck in finding an outgoing man - although they come with their own set of red flags too.
Well, it sounds as if he _might_ be good for someone woman in 5 or 10 years, but not now. You sound quite wise & balanced about the whole thing. Good luck in the coming weeks.
ReplyDeleteSorry it didn't work out, but it sounds like you absolutely, definitely did the right thing in ending it.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of not dating that type of guy again: maybe pay attention to the red flags earlier on?
In December, I realized that the guy I'd been dating, Smiley, was not only NOT looking for anything serious -- he was spending most of his unemployed days just hanging out smoking pot. I ended it pretty quickly after -- in the past, I might have let it go longer because of the positives: he was a smart, fun guy (and the sex happened to be really good).
Moral of the story: trust your gut.