Magnifying Glass

Have you noticed when reading a biography (book, article, Wikipedia) that the person's choice of mate is reveals certain key traits? I'm thinking of American literary greats at the moment--Hemmingway, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, etc, etc. Their choice in wives and lovers said a lot about their characters. Have you ever wondered what your choices in significant others say about you?

Does that thought grip you as it does me?

We often talk about "our types" and I readily admit that I am attracted to a certain kind of man, but until tonight, I hadn't thought about what this long line of men says about me and my flaws. What am I not seeing about myself that a biographer would easily expose through my choice in partner?

Heavy thoughts for a Friday night.

I left you dangling after the last post. There's no ring on my finger, but Mac has talked plenty of marriage. Most of the time I am very happy: he is incredibly funny, he is attentive and exceedingly helpful, he wants me to be happy, he's great at home improvement! But last night, when talking to my mom (who I hadn't seen in months), she asked me where I thought we were headed, and I said, "We'll probably get married." And as soon as I said it, I realized that I am just not ready yet--the concept, while a happy one (or is it?), stresses me out. Marriage is such a huge thing--I am in a better financial position than he is (though not able to support another person entirely), why get married?

I realize you've missed all the in between stuff--last entry, I was over the moon and this entry I'm gunshy. I must seem crazy, but remember--some time has passed.

I need to tell him I'm not ready, and he may ask if I'll ever be ready and I'll have to say that I don't know. I don't want to break up; I just want the pressure lessened. He is a true sweetheart and any girl would be lucky ...

I read this in the transcript of Carolyn Hax's live chat today (love her advice, btw--wish I had found her years ago):

Q.

"WHEN IT'S RIGHT"

First, thank you for your consistently sound advice. I find myself curious about your perspective on determining when a relationship is right for the long term. How do you know? Is it when you stop asking the question? Or when you fall into a stable pattern? I've been in a relationship for nearly 3 years and find myself struggling to determine the criteria by which to judge whether this relationship will be right for me for the long term.

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  November 11, 2011 2:12 PM
• Permalink

A.

CAROLYN HAX :

I think it's when you really like the version of you that the relationship brings out, and when it's a version that's easy for you to maintain. And when you're no less happy to see the person walk in the room than you were at the beginning.

Thanks for the kind words.

– November 11, 2011 2:29 PM

Do you think she's right? I am inclined to agree with her, and when I first read it, I had a sinking feeling ... But then I also think that if Mac will give me time and not pressure me, I may come around.

That's the essence of it, so if you want to stop reading there, you have my permission. (you're welcome!) Here are what I see as complications to lifelong bliss--and notice that I am focusing on his faults, not mine, so this is entirely unfair:

1. He freelances--I've mentioned the financial issues before, but the freelance work brings up another issue: he has a lot of time on his hands--time spent alone. He thinks about me, misses me, wants to see me as soon as possible. Nothing wrong there, right? I, on the other hand, work in a busy office environment 9 hours a day. I'm multitasking, making decisions, fielding problems and solving them; I'm trying to stay on top of my work load and drive initiatives instead of reacting all the time to whatever bounces my way. I don't have time to miss or pine or think about him, and at the end of the day, I want to be on my own. We've worked this out (mostly) so that I see him on weekends and we spend one night together during the work week.

2. Yes, the finances. Those things again. I've told him that I won't move in with him (much less marry him) with a certain financial tangle hanging over his head. But it's a bigger issue than that: I don't know that I want to live with someone who doesn't know how to live within his means! Even if he were wealthy, it would stress me out if he didn't budget, save and plan.

3. I'm definitely a more literary/intellectual type. Do I need someone who keeps up with me? Not necessarily--I haven't found my male equivalent yet (who wasn't an ass), so ... No, maybe I don't need this.

4. Libido disparity. Another big one. He and I have talked this one to death. He would happily have sex every day, while I could compromise and have it once a week. (intercourse, with maybe some other fun activity--one that's quicker and requires less energy) I know--so unsexy! But it's true--I just don't have a big desire for sex (and do I envy you minxes out there!). This is a problem. He certainly deserves more, but we're caught here--I resent his implications that there's something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. (He hasn't said spelled it out quite like that.) There's a wide range of normal--why can't my level be normal and why do I have to be the one to try all manner of potions to get it "fixed"? (note: I have not sprung for this yet) Under it all, I do worry: am I not attracted to him? Are the other problems enough to quell a fragile and sensitive sex drive?

I think this all could be enough to doom a relationship. But could I still make it work anyway? It's different these days--women don't need men to put roofs over their heads. Do I want to be the one to put a roof over a man's head? I tell myself maybe, if I made twice as much, but maybe even then I would resent it.

I want to build something with someone. I don't want to be the provider, and I don't want kept. Are these things too much to ask and by asking these questions am I risking losing something truly great?