Resolution

The ever wise Mimi commented on my last post that this situation seemed like the kind to drive one crazy.

Sure enough: Friday I felt myself slipping into Crazy Mode. Analyzing and worrying and just making myself miserable. It was practically an out-of-body experience: I could see myself festering and knew this was Bad and that I had to stop.

For one thing, I knew I was obsessing about the unknown rather than genuine feelings for Mac. Not healthy. (But at least I'm able to recognize it now--the first step in getting a grip.) Not healthy especially since my type (if we're talking types, as in the last post) tends to be Impossible Men--the ones that are just out of reach. Mac rolls right into this typecast, of course, so ... caution serves me well.

All this I knew, but Friday I still felt bad. I came home from work and wallowed a bit (to my shame) and then put on a movie. Halfway through I checked my phone, which was charging in the other room: a call and text from Mac!

Now, I'd told myself that I wasn't going to be at Mac's beck and call and had decided that if I got a last-minute invite I wouldn't accept. However, his message was that he was meeting his best friend (a woman) and did I want to join them? Harmless then. Besides, I hadn't eaten.

His best friend wasn't there when I arrived, so we had a good, long chat. Much joking, flirtation, and etc. And then he brought up Us, for which I was (and am) so grateful. He said I should know that he tells his best friend everything and that she's worried about our relationship--that she thinks Mac should take it easy for awhile, since I'm friends with his ex. "But I told her that I like you, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm not going to let that [the smallness of the valley/my connection with the ex] stop me from hanging out with you, you know?" I think he actually said it better than that, but that was the gist.

I was so relieved to hear where things stand. Honestly, it's what I wanted to hear. If he'd made a move, it would have freaked me out.

One thing I wonder is how he knows I like him--or, at least, I wonder how he can be so brave as to say (twice now) that he really likes me without me ever saying something to the same effect? I, in my stunted communicativeness, have not been able to say it quite so plainly. But obviously he assumes this is the case. Rightly so, but it kind of amazes me.

Well, I've got the crazy back down to a simmer. Steady as she goes.

PS: Heard from A/S yesterday. Granted, he was trying to get in at one of the wineries I work for, but kind of strange to hear from him after months and months! He also invited me "and my friends" to join them for dinner. I said it wasn't a good night (all my friends had other plans, for one thing), and spent a cozy night in, watching movies.

Definitely Something

Mac and I have been in regular contact since the last posting. Not every single day, mind you, but more days than not. And we've seen each other a fair bit, too.

The tone has been friendly and interested and casual. No proclamations or physical demonstrativeness, though, which I am completely unused to--and OK with. I haven't done the "take it slow thing" in forever--if at all. And given my propensity for falling out of love quickly and efficiently (9 months is my longest relationship to date, after all), I think slow might be good.

That said, I want him.

I am increasingly charmed and interested, and last night's date definitely had something to do with it. First of all, it was clearly a date. I wasn't sure--we'd been talking about seeing a movie for awhile and I figured it was just another chance to hang out. But when I arrived at his place after work and saw him all freshly scrubbed and be-sweatered, I realized that he was definitely putting the date foot forward.

We got drinks and nibbles before the movie and just talked and talked. We strolled down the streets of St. H____ and looked at storefront windows. TOTGA came up in conversation (briefly)--just as a point of "these are the people we know." And when we were talking about dating and types, he said, "Ruby, I like you. I like you a lot, actually"--and then went on to say that this wasn't necessarily true for him and me, but people are definitely attracted to types. (I'd been relating TOTGA's need for The Crazy in a woman so it seemed like Mac was referring to the more negative side of "types.") The air was cold and I was slow to realize what he was saying. My mind sludged through the possibilities: I was his friend and he liked me but I wasn't his type; I wasn't his type; he wasn't attracted to me ...

I'm an idiot. Is it any wonder I'm single?

Three quarters of the way through the movie, I'm sitting there in my chair reveling in the occasional gentle pressure of his elbow on my arm (yes, dry spell here of Epic Proportions!!) when I realize that he said he liked me and that the convoluted sentence that followed really had to do with his nervousness. For the rest of the movie I obsessed with my inability to loosen up, encourage, flirt. [yes, I'm playing fast and loose with my tenses, O Writers. I can't be bothered to edit]

As we walked back to his house, I grabbed his hand when we dashed across the street. (Or maybe he grabbed mine?) Then we let go.

At my car there was a moment, a pause, and I smiled and said, "What?" And he said, "Ah, get out of here." (friendly/jokey--not rude) I'm willing to bet he wanted to kiss me.

So you're all pulling your hair and gritting your teeth wondering why we're behaving like two virgins. Well, there's his recent breakup and our extremely small social network to consider, and the fact that he's a thoughtful person (as am I). Also, though he's told me he has no interest in getting back together with his ex, he cares about her and is worried about her. (She's going through a rough patch.) Given all those variables, I think the current state of affairs is fair.

But I hope there's resolution before too long. What I would give for just a kiss!

A Little Something

Big thanks to Anon and Loverville whose recent comments have nudged me to write a new post. For the longest time (well, since Jan 7) there wasn't much to write about anyway, but now ... There might be something going on.

As usual, this situation is rife with all of the issues inherent to dating in a small dating pool. I met Mac when he started dating a woman in my friend group last summer. (She and I are friends, but not at all close. I like her fine; we just don't click in any huge way.) Mac and I hit it off hugely and whenever we saw each other at parties or events, we'd chatter away at each other and just have a great time. It was great because it was safe--he was my friend's boyfriend. Come to find out, he'd also dated my previous boss--see how small the pool is? No wonder I thought he looked familiar!

So now, they've broken up. And we've struck up a friendship--or something. Last week we met for dinner and drinks (he paid). Then we texted back and for a few days--innocuous stuff. Then he said it's important that we be careful--that it was too soon for him to be friends with one of his ex's friends. Then I spent the afternoon at his house last weekend, just sitting in the yard and eating sandwiches and talking. He seemed really nervous. This week we missed connecting a few times, and then today I stopped by his place for a few moments before he went away for the weekend.

Obviously there's not much to tell, except I think there's something there. I know, I can't jump to conclusions, and it's not like I'm brimming with hope or anything. Last December, back when he and my friend were dating, I'd just gotten my hair cut when I ran into them in town. She (the girlfriend) was talking to someone else and Mac said how great my hair looked. "You've got the whole package," he said with real feeling and then walked away. (Oh those emotional, artistic types!)

I wonder if he still thinks that's true or if that was just safety talking? You know how it is, safely married men and partnered men always going on about your attributes and what a perfect catch you are. I wonder--are they just confident in their pairedness? And are the single guys just chicken-shit?

Well, I've caught Mac looking at me like he still thinks I'm The Stuff. I think he might have that Single Guy Chicken-Shit thing going on, but I think he also wants to keep a good rapport with our friend group. I respect that. I can bide my time.

Except that this afternoon I so wanted to grab him. Et tu, dry spell?