Amore

Don't you hate it when you say those three little words before you mean to?

I blame it on the sunny day and bright leaves twirling through the air. Such a simple thing could conceivably trick a person into saying "I love you." One moment you are half blinded by the sun and the other moment you're looking at your Person and the words just fly out of your mouth.

For the record, he said it.

It's soon, I know, and whereas I have freaked out in previous too-soon situations, I am definitely not freaking out now. I am thrilled, yes, (okay, LV, here is the giddy!) and I know that this isn't a declaration of Future but of Now. (If I thought too much about Future at this early point, I would be freaked out.)

He said "I love you" as I was dropping him off, and it was accidental. He didn't take it back, though, and instead his eyes watered and he blushed. I didn't say it back because even though it's crossed my mind that I could get there, I just wasn't prepared. My heart (in all it's practicality) leapt. I said, "You do?!"

I know he felt terrible about the timing. He'd asked me earlier today about my last relationship and why it had ended (which was a perfectly fair question; I'd asked him about his and his ex-wife's dissolution last week). I'd told him some of the things about Bill that I couldn't live with but said that it ultimately came down to me not being in love with him. I said that Bill had made it very clear that he loved me and that I just couldn't return the fervor and that it had been too much pressure.

And not 45 minutes later, Guy blurted the L-word.

We're just in the beginning stages. Everything is exciting and new and possible. We haven't had lulls or doldrums yet. Or disagreements. Or challenges of any kind. So isn't it too early to declare Love yet?

I don't think so. We all know what a shifty creature Love is, meaning one thing to a certain person at a particular place, at a particular time. And it can mean something else entirely as quick as a wink. This doesn't bother me.

So I'll take Guy's love and return it and continue getting to know him. Time will tell whether we have what it takes to ride out the inevitable storms--or even if we want to. For now, it's wonderful to be loved (no matter the definition). To drag out that tired cliche: Today is all we've got. I'll risk the possibly premature ardor.

PS: I met his dad yesterday--a lovely man who seemed very interested in meeting me. (Which means I must've been talked up over the Thanksgiving table.)

Two Weeks and Two Days

It's been a short time since Guy #1 and I met, and we seem to have gravitated immediately towards a relationship. A little scary, if you ask me. Haven't I always said that the relationships that burn the brightest die the fastest? (Such a skeptic!)

He's a romantic and has an accompanying tender heart, which I love because it's so different from mine--rather matter-of-fact. He is effusive and appreciative and shy, too, which makes his sweet words ring all the more true. (See "skeptic" above--I usually take fair words with a hunk of salt.) Some of my friends met him at an event this weekend and ever since they've been telling me how great he is. "It's obvious he adores you," they say, "and he's so good looking!"

As it happens, yes and yes. But I love most how we can communicate with one another. This is true blue.

"For now," the skeptic says, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Adios Match!

Work is wild, but I am home (finally) and sipping at a particularly delicious Pinot Noir. Work may be wild, but life is good. Specifically: the love life.

Guy #1 and I had a wonderful day on Sunday. I met him at his home (which I loved for the imperfection of it) and we spent the gorgeous, fall day in the city. And here I confess that we didn't kiss on the first date. It was enough for me that the attraction was so obviously mutual. And we didn't kiss until close to the end of the second date. I don't regret the postponing and in this case the anticipation totally lived up to the delivery. Wow. But I didn't want to sleep with him on the second date.

We had our third date last night. Guy #1 drove over to my place and we ate and talked and kissed like crazy... and then talked about sex. This time around, I want to put to test the advice of Evan Mark Katz (and others): If you're looking for a relationship, don't sleep with a guy until you've had The Conversation. (Of course there are exceptions to this: Bill and I slept together before that conversation and he wanted a relationship with me more than anything; TOTGA and I never slept together--because I was waiting for that damn conversation! And a good thing I waited, too. He was a good guy, trying to do the right thing--but just not looking for a relationship with me.) I wasn't sure how to tell Guy #1 this, and I stumbled all over the place saying that I didn't mean this as an ultimatum of any sort, but that I just really didn't want to have sex until we knew where we were with each other. The sweet boy (man, that is--he's nine years older than me) said absolutely, of course--let's get to know each other better.

I can't tell you how good it felt to have that pressure lifted! Guy and I talked more, and I told him that more than anything I want to be able to share myself with another person. I know, heavy talk here, but isn't that the point of relationships? To fully be yourself with someone--and not your scratching, itching, belching "surface self" (these descriptives don't apply to me, of course) but your mental, emotional, physical self. Those things are so closely tied (I believe) and I've had a hard time sharing the mental/emotional side ... Anyway, clearly Guy is someone I can talk to about these things. He understood, says he too lives too much in his head and that he is working on that.

I love a man who's self-aware.

And here's the big news: after all of this talk, Guy told me that he'd taken down his profile on Match! I am so impressed that he didn't use that as a bargaining chip for sex.

Guy spent the night, and you know how novel it is to wake up for the first time next to that person who makes your stomach flip-flop.

I hid my Match profile today, too. I would have canceled it, but I signed up for a six-month subscription, and while I am optimistic about Guy and me, I am also a realist. Who knows?

Second Date Soon!

I would rename Guy #1 with something more clever, but "Guy #1" is an auspicious title. What are the chances that I'd meet someone with whom I clicked so well on the first date? And not just any first date but the first Match date? Crazy.

We've been emailing every day and he called me the other night. There's been a lot of flirtation and just all around good stuff. Of course, per usual, I am starting to get a little worried: what if we're building up expectations of one another? What if the next time we see each other we're all, "Oh, never mind." It could happen.

I don't think it will. I think we'll get a good second date out of this on Sunday, for sure, and I know we're both hoping for more.

There are, of course, some really interesting details I wish I could share with you, but I don't want to be googled and found. Alas.

Guy #2 finally emailed me today. Busy week, he said and he asked about my schedule, which happens to be absolutely full for the next two weeks, thanks to Guy #1 and a BIG Work Thing. I'll email him back and suggest that we look two weeks out. I like him fine; I just can't picture myself with him. And it could be that he was nervous on the date or uninterested deep down or who knows?

Anyway, my fingers are crossed for Guy #1.

A Tale of Two Dates

I returned an hour or so ago from my second Match date. It was a fine enough date, as dates go, but how could Guy #2 measure up to yesterday's Guy #1? He couldn't.

Guy #2 is smart, interesting and successful--a good dresser, too. But I didn't feel at ease with him like I did with Guy #1. And that's important for me--the ability to feel like myself. (Although, perhaps that's too high an expectation for a first date?)

Funnily, both dates occurred at the same establishment. If I'm not careful, the staff are going to start thinking that I'm running a business of some sort!

Guy #1 and I have emailed several times since last night, making plans for our next date. He very much wants to see me during the week, but I am neck high in work and doubt that it will be possible. (Plus, I think it's OK to not be too easy at this juncture.) We have solid plans in the city next Sunday. I can't wait.

Whereas with Guy #1 I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, I really didn't have that same compulsion with Guy #2. It wasn't that he was unattractive--he is attractive, but there wasn't that same inexplicable, magic pull.

Oh and last night? I received a bunch of texts from Bill, trying to get me to go out with him. "No expectations," he said. Really? He later texted me after 1:00 a.m. to say that some day I would loosen up and that he wished he would be there. Jesus.

In the morning I texted back that I liked myself very well the way I was, thank you very much. (And besides, he didn't know that I had been on a great date all afternoon!) He responded immediately and apologized. See? Stupidity is what happens when you drink too much and text your ex. Be warned.

Super excited about Guy #1, though. This is hardly what I expected!