Guy will be here in a bit to pick up items. It'll be awkward. Did I tell you that he bought a very expensive bottle of wine this week and wanted us to have a postmortem today along with the vino? I refused. He was always inappropriately extravagant with his gifts (he makes only a touch more than I do and has financial problems) and this smacked of manipulation, though I don't think he was conscious of that.
He very much wants us to be friends, and while that's in the realm of possibility I've had to patiently explain that friendship can't happen right away. He needs to move on, and so do I. Right now, I think he's a bit obsessed.
Future dating plans? None. I'm in the midst of a job change (you know how stressful that is) and really just want to lay low for awhile. Ideally, I'll meet a man in real life right here in this valley. Wouldn't that be wild?
***
Update: Guy just left. He was so sweet and all of the things that made me like him in the first place shone through. I feel nauseated and wonder if I've made the wrong decision. This is an understandable emotional response, I suppose. My brain knows I just need to get a grip and step back, and if I need to reassess, then I should do that in a few months.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Single in the Valley--Again!
I need to be honest: TOTGA is a red herring and definitely not the real issue with Guy and me. TOTGA may have been handsome and brooding but he's not in the picture and therefore is not a real contender for my affections. (I feel very Jane Austen writing the word "affections.")
Last night I broke up with Guy because the truth is, I couldn't love him--no matter what the previous post stated. (Sometimes I'm full of it--a terribly unreliable narrator, the kind of narrator I happen to like the best.) He also had some issues, some qualities that I couldn't deal with.
He was needy. It's interesting to me that there are all of these advice books and dating sites geared toward women and all the things we do wrong in relationships. You know what? Guys can do them too: they can lay all their cards on the table too soon, call too much, display shocking insecurity. On one hand, it's a relief to know that we women don't have the crazy market cornered and on the other hand it's a big pain to date one of these guys. Yes, he called me (often) twice a night. Yes, he actually said that he was jealous of my girlfriends--who I hardly see! Yes, he wanted more of my time.
He had financial issues. I may have been nine years younger than Guy, but I had more of my shit together than he. I am not wealthy and sometimes my credit card runs a balance, but I try to live within my means and save, and I aspire to a more comfortable financial situation.
The circumstances of his divorce were a red flag. Yeah, divorce is difficult--always--and I don't pretend to know the full details. But through a carefully asked question last week I discovered that he just sort of stopped going home. No affair, no big declaration (until papers were finally signed, of course)--just a wasting away. I find it distasteful and the sort of thing that could repeat.
He had no social network. Guy had two friends--two. One nearby; one in another country. Don't get me wrong, Guy is a sweet person but somehow, through shyness or whathaveyou, he just hasn't formed more friendships. (Interestingly, my last three relationships have been with men who haven't had very many friends. Hmmm!)
He was awkward in social situations. He glommed onto me, and I felt suffocated. Enough said.
It seems like there was more, but I don't remember what it was at the moment.
So what next? I'm not going to hop back onto Match right away. I feel like I need to push the reset button and take a good look at what I'm attracted to. Why have I been dating the same guy? Older but full of issues? Next time around I would like to try someone who's outgoing--a real sparkler. And next time I'll take my time before launching into a relationship.
Last night I broke up with Guy because the truth is, I couldn't love him--no matter what the previous post stated. (Sometimes I'm full of it--a terribly unreliable narrator, the kind of narrator I happen to like the best.) He also had some issues, some qualities that I couldn't deal with.
He was needy. It's interesting to me that there are all of these advice books and dating sites geared toward women and all the things we do wrong in relationships. You know what? Guys can do them too: they can lay all their cards on the table too soon, call too much, display shocking insecurity. On one hand, it's a relief to know that we women don't have the crazy market cornered and on the other hand it's a big pain to date one of these guys. Yes, he called me (often) twice a night. Yes, he actually said that he was jealous of my girlfriends--who I hardly see! Yes, he wanted more of my time.
He had financial issues. I may have been nine years younger than Guy, but I had more of my shit together than he. I am not wealthy and sometimes my credit card runs a balance, but I try to live within my means and save, and I aspire to a more comfortable financial situation.
The circumstances of his divorce were a red flag. Yeah, divorce is difficult--always--and I don't pretend to know the full details. But through a carefully asked question last week I discovered that he just sort of stopped going home. No affair, no big declaration (until papers were finally signed, of course)--just a wasting away. I find it distasteful and the sort of thing that could repeat.
He had no social network. Guy had two friends--two. One nearby; one in another country. Don't get me wrong, Guy is a sweet person but somehow, through shyness or whathaveyou, he just hasn't formed more friendships. (Interestingly, my last three relationships have been with men who haven't had very many friends. Hmmm!)
He was awkward in social situations. He glommed onto me, and I felt suffocated. Enough said.
It seems like there was more, but I don't remember what it was at the moment.
So what next? I'm not going to hop back onto Match right away. I feel like I need to push the reset button and take a good look at what I'm attracted to. Why have I been dating the same guy? Older but full of issues? Next time around I would like to try someone who's outgoing--a real sparkler. And next time I'll take my time before launching into a relationship.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Shape-Shifter
"You couldn't make yourself stop feeling a certain way, no matter what the other person did.
You just had to wait.
Eventually the feeling went away because others came along.
Or sometimes it didn't go away but got squeezed into something tiny,
and hung like a piece of tinsel in the back of your mind."
--Olive Kitteridge, by Elizabeth Strout
You just had to wait.
Eventually the feeling went away because others came along.
Or sometimes it didn't go away but got squeezed into something tiny,
and hung like a piece of tinsel in the back of your mind."
--Olive Kitteridge, by Elizabeth Strout
Yes, this is about The One That Got Away (TOTGA) but also about the nature of love and from whence it springs--the shape and size of it. Sort of a "How to Spot Love at Thirty Paces."
(Not that I have a clue.)
God, a wonderful Valentine's day and I spend the last part of it (mid-romantic concert) thinking about dark, brooding TOTGA. Yes, he's the one that got away and good riddance. But ... I can't get him out of my mind, piece of tinsel or not. Others have not replaced him yet.
How does one know that she's in love? Evan Marc Katz brilliantly espouses that it's not how you feel but how he treats you. (I am probably misstating the facts because if this is the case, I have known love more than a half dozen times--an embarrassment of riches, for sure.) Guy treats me amazingly well, but I am not in love. I am fond of him, but that's not enough for me. I want to respect him and be proud of him. I want to walk into a room on his arm and be thrilled to be there, on his arm.
Too much to ask? A mark of a spoiled thirty-something who hasn't made the most of her fading charms?
Blech. So much for the size and shape of love. I suspect this Love thing is a shape-shifter and a glorious, different thing for each of us. And I suspect that Love doesn't choose you--you have to choose Love. (Yes, I fear it's as airy-fairy as that, the horror!) I suspect that if I wanted to, I could love Guy.
I might manage it yet. But how to squeeze out TOTGA?
(Not that I have a clue.)
God, a wonderful Valentine's day and I spend the last part of it (mid-romantic concert) thinking about dark, brooding TOTGA. Yes, he's the one that got away and good riddance. But ... I can't get him out of my mind, piece of tinsel or not. Others have not replaced him yet.
How does one know that she's in love? Evan Marc Katz brilliantly espouses that it's not how you feel but how he treats you. (I am probably misstating the facts because if this is the case, I have known love more than a half dozen times--an embarrassment of riches, for sure.) Guy treats me amazingly well, but I am not in love. I am fond of him, but that's not enough for me. I want to respect him and be proud of him. I want to walk into a room on his arm and be thrilled to be there, on his arm.
Too much to ask? A mark of a spoiled thirty-something who hasn't made the most of her fading charms?
Blech. So much for the size and shape of love. I suspect this Love thing is a shape-shifter and a glorious, different thing for each of us. And I suspect that Love doesn't choose you--you have to choose Love. (Yes, I fear it's as airy-fairy as that, the horror!) I suspect that if I wanted to, I could love Guy.
I might manage it yet. But how to squeeze out TOTGA?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Scratch That
Ahem.
What would you do if your very recent ex said: You're right. I've been moving too quickly. Three months is no time at all. I'm sorry. Can we make this work?
If you cared for him at all you might open up your arms and hold onto him tight and let a few gigantic tears make a mess of your face. Well, this is what I did, for better or worse.
And at the moment, I feel good about it--if a little sheepish. The breakup was real, trust me. And I would have been okay with it. But I am glad that we're together again.
The passive aggression is an interesting note, which I will be keeping an eye out for. (More on this later.) Luckily for us, I don't fly off the handle and am very calm and measured when faced with ridiculousness. We might turn out to be a good match yet!
What would you do if your very recent ex said: You're right. I've been moving too quickly. Three months is no time at all. I'm sorry. Can we make this work?
If you cared for him at all you might open up your arms and hold onto him tight and let a few gigantic tears make a mess of your face. Well, this is what I did, for better or worse.
And at the moment, I feel good about it--if a little sheepish. The breakup was real, trust me. And I would have been okay with it. But I am glad that we're together again.
The passive aggression is an interesting note, which I will be keeping an eye out for. (More on this later.) Luckily for us, I don't fly off the handle and am very calm and measured when faced with ridiculousness. We might turn out to be a good match yet!
Friday, February 5, 2010
The End of Amore
Things have been changing rapidly these last few days.
Over the last week or so I have realized that Guy is far more needy (and passive aggressive!) than I ever realized. The core problem was that he wanted to see me more than just weekends. (We did see each other several times a week until recently, when he offered--he offered!--to give me more space during the week.) I wanted to see him on weekends--my most cherished days of the week--because after long days at work, I couldn't bear being around someone who, well, wanted me body and soul. Too much pressure!
This sounds cruel. It is cruel. I explained to Guy that I wasn't as far along in the feelings department as he was and couldn't we slow down a bit? There were many discussions, some awful passive aggression and finally, tonight, he said that he just couldn't do it: people in a relationship need to be together. He said it wasn't right that he had to make all of the sacrifices. And et cetera.
He broke up with me.
It's true that I wasn't in love, but I liked him and would have happily stayed with him (until the neediness and PA became so evident) for quite awhile.
Tomorrow he's coming to pick up his stuff. Blech.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Let There Be Hope!
Not too long ago, I couldn't recognize a booty call when it was looking me straight in the eye.
Yes, I was An Innocent. Truly. Let me digress: so many of us are innocent, no matter how many men we've slept with, hearts we've broken, years we've spent in a relationship. This is why (one reason out of many) the Subject of Love fascinates: we never get it right (not quite) and there are a hundred (thousand, million) variations on the theme. Is Love biological or spiritual? Is it somehow both? And does it matter? Is your Love better or truer than mine? (a question someone in their darkest moments might ask) How do I find it, keep it, nourish it? What happens when I fall out of it?
Well, anyway, there are so many things to say, ask and wonder. As long as I have the time to write, I don't think this blog will die.
But back to Innocence: I've always been the sort to keep my cards close to the chest. I've played it cool, partly out of nervousness (no one would guess) and partly out of not being interested in 99% of the guys I met. And then I fell for ... Reggie (not his name). This was six years ago, and though he was tall and so very cute, I have no idea why I stayed with him for seven long months. (In fact, I was just thinking about this today!) We had nothing in common except a sense of humor. This was 2004, during the election, and Reggie was a dyed-in-the-wool Bush-lover (we're talking George, of course) and I was the polar opposite. (I've wanted to write something about it: "Love in the Time of Bush.") I've never been so angry, argumentative and awful. (Of course, it didn't help that my father died unexpectedly one week after the election. Poor Reggie.) Anyway, months after we broke up, Reggie would come around to "hang out" and I never realized that a booty call by any other name is still a booty call. What an idiot.
I've gained wisdom these last brief years, thanks in part to Evan Marc Katz. I still don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I still make mistakes (see TOTGA), but I can spot a booty call at 10 paces. And I don't have fairytale illusions about love. Love is a part of life (let's hope) and life is imperfect. It follows that Love will be, too. And I'm OK with that.
Yes, I was An Innocent. Truly. Let me digress: so many of us are innocent, no matter how many men we've slept with, hearts we've broken, years we've spent in a relationship. This is why (one reason out of many) the Subject of Love fascinates: we never get it right (not quite) and there are a hundred (thousand, million) variations on the theme. Is Love biological or spiritual? Is it somehow both? And does it matter? Is your Love better or truer than mine? (a question someone in their darkest moments might ask) How do I find it, keep it, nourish it? What happens when I fall out of it?
Well, anyway, there are so many things to say, ask and wonder. As long as I have the time to write, I don't think this blog will die.
But back to Innocence: I've always been the sort to keep my cards close to the chest. I've played it cool, partly out of nervousness (no one would guess) and partly out of not being interested in 99% of the guys I met. And then I fell for ... Reggie (not his name). This was six years ago, and though he was tall and so very cute, I have no idea why I stayed with him for seven long months. (In fact, I was just thinking about this today!) We had nothing in common except a sense of humor. This was 2004, during the election, and Reggie was a dyed-in-the-wool Bush-lover (we're talking George, of course) and I was the polar opposite. (I've wanted to write something about it: "Love in the Time of Bush.") I've never been so angry, argumentative and awful. (Of course, it didn't help that my father died unexpectedly one week after the election. Poor Reggie.) Anyway, months after we broke up, Reggie would come around to "hang out" and I never realized that a booty call by any other name is still a booty call. What an idiot.
I've gained wisdom these last brief years, thanks in part to Evan Marc Katz. I still don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I still make mistakes (see TOTGA), but I can spot a booty call at 10 paces. And I don't have fairytale illusions about love. Love is a part of life (let's hope) and life is imperfect. It follows that Love will be, too. And I'm OK with that.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Begin Paragraphs with "And"
And so we continue on, Guy and I. This is good, right?
(Yes. Yes, it is.)
And what to say except that I feel lucky to have met someone so generous and kind and sexy. I feel very grounded about Us. I haven't put Guy on a pedestal (as with poor TOTGA) but I appreciate him and care for him.
And, not to look a gift horse in the mouth, I wonder if this is love ... But I don't wonder it too much because at three months, does one need to know? It isn't like I have a biological clock clanging away. (Luckly, it's just the faintest ticking--easily ignored.)
And so what to do but enjoy and live in the moment? Love will come, if it's not already here.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
DDoubt
(Yes, with double DDs)
I had a significant freakout last week.
A freakout to the extent that I clammed up, shut down, Did Not Communicate. So juvenile!
And Guy #1 behaved like an adult despite my behavior. He backed off and let me have my space and demonstrated heaps of dignity doing it. Wow.
I know, I'm leaving out the juicy details. Let's just say that we went to a wedding together and though I can't be certain, I think that was the cause of my panic. (Hi. Am I a commitmentphobe?) The wedding followed a romantic stay at a nearby hotel--right at our two-month anniversary. (And Guy is the sensitive, sweet, in-love type who marks anniversaries--so sweet!) I think it was just too much.
Much to my relief, five days apart set me to rights again. All last week I was sure we were headed for a breakup. I was sure I couldn't do this, that he wasn't the guy for me. And then Friday I wanted him.
Fickle and disgusting, sure, but I am relieved. I thought I'd have to look for a new therapist and start confessing my sins against men on a comfy couch again. (Not that that would be the worst thing in the world.)
Guy is just lovely. Where did those sharp, intense doubts come from? And will they come again? I sure hope not.
I had a significant freakout last week.
A freakout to the extent that I clammed up, shut down, Did Not Communicate. So juvenile!
And Guy #1 behaved like an adult despite my behavior. He backed off and let me have my space and demonstrated heaps of dignity doing it. Wow.
I know, I'm leaving out the juicy details. Let's just say that we went to a wedding together and though I can't be certain, I think that was the cause of my panic. (Hi. Am I a commitmentphobe?) The wedding followed a romantic stay at a nearby hotel--right at our two-month anniversary. (And Guy is the sensitive, sweet, in-love type who marks anniversaries--so sweet!) I think it was just too much.
Much to my relief, five days apart set me to rights again. All last week I was sure we were headed for a breakup. I was sure I couldn't do this, that he wasn't the guy for me. And then Friday I wanted him.
Fickle and disgusting, sure, but I am relieved. I thought I'd have to look for a new therapist and start confessing my sins against men on a comfy couch again. (Not that that would be the worst thing in the world.)
Guy is just lovely. Where did those sharp, intense doubts come from? And will they come again? I sure hope not.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Keeping the Fires Stoked
Well, I can say for sure that when I began this blog (not that long ago) I had no expectation of sliding into a relationship so soon. And yet, here I am: in a relationship. And it's a good one, if new.
What to do? Is there anything more deadly dull than a dating blog that has turned into a "lah-dee-dah, I'm in a relationship" blog? This bears no reflection on those of you lucky dating bloggers who are also now enjoying secure relationships. Ahem. I speak for myself. Because, honestly, what am I to write about?
I'm not counting chickens prior to hatching or anything, but at this very early point in our relationship, I have to say that I am impressed with our ability to communicate. I think if that we can keep this up, we'll be in good shape.
But here's something you can weigh in on (if you dare): My relationships have usually topped out somewhere in the 4 - 7-month range--most often ended by yours truly. At the 2 - 3-month mark, I tend to lose interest sexually, and I think this is because this is the point where I realize that we are mentally/emotionally incompatible. Of course, my fear is that I have a viciously low libido that can't sustain over longer hauls. I argue (with myself, it's true) that my libido is just terribly sensitive and can't keep the fires stoked if the attraction has died on the mental/emotional level. Has anyone else experienced this? Or can you even fathom that this could be a possibility? I appreciate your reassurance. ;)
Because Guy is just dear and so generous and sweet. I'd like us to keep going, and I guess this is one of those things where only time will tell.
What to do? Is there anything more deadly dull than a dating blog that has turned into a "lah-dee-dah, I'm in a relationship" blog? This bears no reflection on those of you lucky dating bloggers who are also now enjoying secure relationships. Ahem. I speak for myself. Because, honestly, what am I to write about?
I'm not counting chickens prior to hatching or anything, but at this very early point in our relationship, I have to say that I am impressed with our ability to communicate. I think if that we can keep this up, we'll be in good shape.
But here's something you can weigh in on (if you dare): My relationships have usually topped out somewhere in the 4 - 7-month range--most often ended by yours truly. At the 2 - 3-month mark, I tend to lose interest sexually, and I think this is because this is the point where I realize that we are mentally/emotionally incompatible. Of course, my fear is that I have a viciously low libido that can't sustain over longer hauls. I argue (with myself, it's true) that my libido is just terribly sensitive and can't keep the fires stoked if the attraction has died on the mental/emotional level. Has anyone else experienced this? Or can you even fathom that this could be a possibility? I appreciate your reassurance. ;)
Because Guy is just dear and so generous and sweet. I'd like us to keep going, and I guess this is one of those things where only time will tell.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Amore
Don't you hate it when you say those three little words before you mean to?
I blame it on the sunny day and bright leaves twirling through the air. Such a simple thing could conceivably trick a person into saying "I love you." One moment you are half blinded by the sun and the other moment you're looking at your Person and the words just fly out of your mouth.
For the record, he said it.
It's soon, I know, and whereas I have freaked out in previous too-soon situations, I am definitely not freaking out now. I am thrilled, yes, (okay, LV, here is the giddy!) and I know that this isn't a declaration of Future but of Now. (If I thought too much about Future at this early point, I would be freaked out.)
He said "I love you" as I was dropping him off, and it was accidental. He didn't take it back, though, and instead his eyes watered and he blushed. I didn't say it back because even though it's crossed my mind that I could get there, I just wasn't prepared. My heart (in all it's practicality) leapt. I said, "You do?!"
I know he felt terrible about the timing. He'd asked me earlier today about my last relationship and why it had ended (which was a perfectly fair question; I'd asked him about his and his ex-wife's dissolution last week). I'd told him some of the things about Bill that I couldn't live with but said that it ultimately came down to me not being in love with him. I said that Bill had made it very clear that he loved me and that I just couldn't return the fervor and that it had been too much pressure.
And not 45 minutes later, Guy blurted the L-word.
We're just in the beginning stages. Everything is exciting and new and possible. We haven't had lulls or doldrums yet. Or disagreements. Or challenges of any kind. So isn't it too early to declare Love yet?
I don't think so. We all know what a shifty creature Love is, meaning one thing to a certain person at a particular place, at a particular time. And it can mean something else entirely as quick as a wink. This doesn't bother me.
So I'll take Guy's love and return it and continue getting to know him. Time will tell whether we have what it takes to ride out the inevitable storms--or even if we want to. For now, it's wonderful to be loved (no matter the definition). To drag out that tired cliche: Today is all we've got. I'll risk the possibly premature ardor.
PS: I met his dad yesterday--a lovely man who seemed very interested in meeting me. (Which means I must've been talked up over the Thanksgiving table.)
I blame it on the sunny day and bright leaves twirling through the air. Such a simple thing could conceivably trick a person into saying "I love you." One moment you are half blinded by the sun and the other moment you're looking at your Person and the words just fly out of your mouth.
For the record, he said it.
It's soon, I know, and whereas I have freaked out in previous too-soon situations, I am definitely not freaking out now. I am thrilled, yes, (okay, LV, here is the giddy!) and I know that this isn't a declaration of Future but of Now. (If I thought too much about Future at this early point, I would be freaked out.)
He said "I love you" as I was dropping him off, and it was accidental. He didn't take it back, though, and instead his eyes watered and he blushed. I didn't say it back because even though it's crossed my mind that I could get there, I just wasn't prepared. My heart (in all it's practicality) leapt. I said, "You do?!"
I know he felt terrible about the timing. He'd asked me earlier today about my last relationship and why it had ended (which was a perfectly fair question; I'd asked him about his and his ex-wife's dissolution last week). I'd told him some of the things about Bill that I couldn't live with but said that it ultimately came down to me not being in love with him. I said that Bill had made it very clear that he loved me and that I just couldn't return the fervor and that it had been too much pressure.
And not 45 minutes later, Guy blurted the L-word.
We're just in the beginning stages. Everything is exciting and new and possible. We haven't had lulls or doldrums yet. Or disagreements. Or challenges of any kind. So isn't it too early to declare Love yet?
I don't think so. We all know what a shifty creature Love is, meaning one thing to a certain person at a particular place, at a particular time. And it can mean something else entirely as quick as a wink. This doesn't bother me.
So I'll take Guy's love and return it and continue getting to know him. Time will tell whether we have what it takes to ride out the inevitable storms--or even if we want to. For now, it's wonderful to be loved (no matter the definition). To drag out that tired cliche: Today is all we've got. I'll risk the possibly premature ardor.
PS: I met his dad yesterday--a lovely man who seemed very interested in meeting me. (Which means I must've been talked up over the Thanksgiving table.)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Two Weeks and Two Days
It's been a short time since Guy #1 and I met, and we seem to have gravitated immediately towards a relationship. A little scary, if you ask me. Haven't I always said that the relationships that burn the brightest die the fastest? (Such a skeptic!)
He's a romantic and has an accompanying tender heart, which I love because it's so different from mine--rather matter-of-fact. He is effusive and appreciative and shy, too, which makes his sweet words ring all the more true. (See "skeptic" above--I usually take fair words with a hunk of salt.) Some of my friends met him at an event this weekend and ever since they've been telling me how great he is. "It's obvious he adores you," they say, "and he's so good looking!"
As it happens, yes and yes. But I love most how we can communicate with one another. This is true blue.
"For now," the skeptic says, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He's a romantic and has an accompanying tender heart, which I love because it's so different from mine--rather matter-of-fact. He is effusive and appreciative and shy, too, which makes his sweet words ring all the more true. (See "skeptic" above--I usually take fair words with a hunk of salt.) Some of my friends met him at an event this weekend and ever since they've been telling me how great he is. "It's obvious he adores you," they say, "and he's so good looking!"
As it happens, yes and yes. But I love most how we can communicate with one another. This is true blue.
"For now," the skeptic says, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Adios Match!
Work is wild, but I am home (finally) and sipping at a particularly delicious Pinot Noir. Work may be wild, but life is good. Specifically: the love life.
Guy #1 and I had a wonderful day on Sunday. I met him at his home (which I loved for the imperfection of it) and we spent the gorgeous, fall day in the city. And here I confess that we didn't kiss on the first date. It was enough for me that the attraction was so obviously mutual. And we didn't kiss until close to the end of the second date. I don't regret the postponing and in this case the anticipation totally lived up to the delivery. Wow. But I didn't want to sleep with him on the second date.
We had our third date last night. Guy #1 drove over to my place and we ate and talked and kissed like crazy... and then talked about sex. This time around, I want to put to test the advice of Evan Mark Katz (and others): If you're looking for a relationship, don't sleep with a guy until you've had The Conversation. (Of course there are exceptions to this: Bill and I slept together before that conversation and he wanted a relationship with me more than anything; TOTGA and I never slept together--because I was waiting for that damn conversation! And a good thing I waited, too. He was a good guy, trying to do the right thing--but just not looking for a relationship with me.) I wasn't sure how to tell Guy #1 this, and I stumbled all over the place saying that I didn't mean this as an ultimatum of any sort, but that I just really didn't want to have sex until we knew where we were with each other. The sweet boy (man, that is--he's nine years older than me) said absolutely, of course--let's get to know each other better.
I can't tell you how good it felt to have that pressure lifted! Guy and I talked more, and I told him that more than anything I want to be able to share myself with another person. I know, heavy talk here, but isn't that the point of relationships? To fully be yourself with someone--and not your scratching, itching, belching "surface self" (these descriptives don't apply to me, of course) but your mental, emotional, physical self. Those things are so closely tied (I believe) and I've had a hard time sharing the mental/emotional side ... Anyway, clearly Guy is someone I can talk to about these things. He understood, says he too lives too much in his head and that he is working on that.
I love a man who's self-aware.
And here's the big news: after all of this talk, Guy told me that he'd taken down his profile on Match! I am so impressed that he didn't use that as a bargaining chip for sex.
Guy spent the night, and you know how novel it is to wake up for the first time next to that person who makes your stomach flip-flop.
I hid my Match profile today, too. I would have canceled it, but I signed up for a six-month subscription, and while I am optimistic about Guy and me, I am also a realist. Who knows?
Guy #1 and I had a wonderful day on Sunday. I met him at his home (which I loved for the imperfection of it) and we spent the gorgeous, fall day in the city. And here I confess that we didn't kiss on the first date. It was enough for me that the attraction was so obviously mutual. And we didn't kiss until close to the end of the second date. I don't regret the postponing and in this case the anticipation totally lived up to the delivery. Wow. But I didn't want to sleep with him on the second date.
We had our third date last night. Guy #1 drove over to my place and we ate and talked and kissed like crazy... and then talked about sex. This time around, I want to put to test the advice of Evan Mark Katz (and others): If you're looking for a relationship, don't sleep with a guy until you've had The Conversation. (Of course there are exceptions to this: Bill and I slept together before that conversation and he wanted a relationship with me more than anything; TOTGA and I never slept together--because I was waiting for that damn conversation! And a good thing I waited, too. He was a good guy, trying to do the right thing--but just not looking for a relationship with me.) I wasn't sure how to tell Guy #1 this, and I stumbled all over the place saying that I didn't mean this as an ultimatum of any sort, but that I just really didn't want to have sex until we knew where we were with each other. The sweet boy (man, that is--he's nine years older than me) said absolutely, of course--let's get to know each other better.
I can't tell you how good it felt to have that pressure lifted! Guy and I talked more, and I told him that more than anything I want to be able to share myself with another person. I know, heavy talk here, but isn't that the point of relationships? To fully be yourself with someone--and not your scratching, itching, belching "surface self" (these descriptives don't apply to me, of course) but your mental, emotional, physical self. Those things are so closely tied (I believe) and I've had a hard time sharing the mental/emotional side ... Anyway, clearly Guy is someone I can talk to about these things. He understood, says he too lives too much in his head and that he is working on that.
I love a man who's self-aware.
And here's the big news: after all of this talk, Guy told me that he'd taken down his profile on Match! I am so impressed that he didn't use that as a bargaining chip for sex.
Guy spent the night, and you know how novel it is to wake up for the first time next to that person who makes your stomach flip-flop.
I hid my Match profile today, too. I would have canceled it, but I signed up for a six-month subscription, and while I am optimistic about Guy and me, I am also a realist. Who knows?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Second Date Soon!
I would rename Guy #1 with something more clever, but "Guy #1" is an auspicious title. What are the chances that I'd meet someone with whom I clicked so well on the first date? And not just any first date but the first Match date? Crazy.
We've been emailing every day and he called me the other night. There's been a lot of flirtation and just all around good stuff. Of course, per usual, I am starting to get a little worried: what if we're building up expectations of one another? What if the next time we see each other we're all, "Oh, never mind." It could happen.
I don't think it will. I think we'll get a good second date out of this on Sunday, for sure, and I know we're both hoping for more.
There are, of course, some really interesting details I wish I could share with you, but I don't want to be googled and found. Alas.
Guy #2 finally emailed me today. Busy week, he said and he asked about my schedule, which happens to be absolutely full for the next two weeks, thanks to Guy #1 and a BIG Work Thing. I'll email him back and suggest that we look two weeks out. I like him fine; I just can't picture myself with him. And it could be that he was nervous on the date or uninterested deep down or who knows?
Anyway, my fingers are crossed for Guy #1.
We've been emailing every day and he called me the other night. There's been a lot of flirtation and just all around good stuff. Of course, per usual, I am starting to get a little worried: what if we're building up expectations of one another? What if the next time we see each other we're all, "Oh, never mind." It could happen.
I don't think it will. I think we'll get a good second date out of this on Sunday, for sure, and I know we're both hoping for more.
There are, of course, some really interesting details I wish I could share with you, but I don't want to be googled and found. Alas.
Guy #2 finally emailed me today. Busy week, he said and he asked about my schedule, which happens to be absolutely full for the next two weeks, thanks to Guy #1 and a BIG Work Thing. I'll email him back and suggest that we look two weeks out. I like him fine; I just can't picture myself with him. And it could be that he was nervous on the date or uninterested deep down or who knows?
Anyway, my fingers are crossed for Guy #1.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
A Tale of Two Dates
I returned an hour or so ago from my second Match date. It was a fine enough date, as dates go, but how could Guy #2 measure up to yesterday's Guy #1? He couldn't.
Guy #2 is smart, interesting and successful--a good dresser, too. But I didn't feel at ease with him like I did with Guy #1. And that's important for me--the ability to feel like myself. (Although, perhaps that's too high an expectation for a first date?)
Funnily, both dates occurred at the same establishment. If I'm not careful, the staff are going to start thinking that I'm running a business of some sort!
Guy #1 and I have emailed several times since last night, making plans for our next date. He very much wants to see me during the week, but I am neck high in work and doubt that it will be possible. (Plus, I think it's OK to not be too easy at this juncture.) We have solid plans in the city next Sunday. I can't wait.
Whereas with Guy #1 I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, I really didn't have that same compulsion with Guy #2. It wasn't that he was unattractive--he is attractive, but there wasn't that same inexplicable, magic pull.
Oh and last night? I received a bunch of texts from Bill, trying to get me to go out with him. "No expectations," he said. Really? He later texted me after 1:00 a.m. to say that some day I would loosen up and that he wished he would be there. Jesus.
In the morning I texted back that I liked myself very well the way I was, thank you very much. (And besides, he didn't know that I had been on a great date all afternoon!) He responded immediately and apologized. See? Stupidity is what happens when you drink too much and text your ex. Be warned.
Super excited about Guy #1, though. This is hardly what I expected!
Guy #2 is smart, interesting and successful--a good dresser, too. But I didn't feel at ease with him like I did with Guy #1. And that's important for me--the ability to feel like myself. (Although, perhaps that's too high an expectation for a first date?)
Funnily, both dates occurred at the same establishment. If I'm not careful, the staff are going to start thinking that I'm running a business of some sort!
Guy #1 and I have emailed several times since last night, making plans for our next date. He very much wants to see me during the week, but I am neck high in work and doubt that it will be possible. (Plus, I think it's OK to not be too easy at this juncture.) We have solid plans in the city next Sunday. I can't wait.
Whereas with Guy #1 I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, I really didn't have that same compulsion with Guy #2. It wasn't that he was unattractive--he is attractive, but there wasn't that same inexplicable, magic pull.
Oh and last night? I received a bunch of texts from Bill, trying to get me to go out with him. "No expectations," he said. Really? He later texted me after 1:00 a.m. to say that some day I would loosen up and that he wished he would be there. Jesus.
In the morning I texted back that I liked myself very well the way I was, thank you very much. (And besides, he didn't know that I had been on a great date all afternoon!) He responded immediately and apologized. See? Stupidity is what happens when you drink too much and text your ex. Be warned.
Super excited about Guy #1, though. This is hardly what I expected!
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