I Got 'Wifed'

You're familiar with the dreaded 'we,' aren't you? You're talking to a handsome man at a bar, say, and things are friendly and good until he says something like, "Well, when we bought our house ..." And you have to sit there and try to act completely unsurprised knowing that you'd just been We'd.

Ugh. "We." It's a nice word when you're part of the we, but when you're single and scouting for a partner, it can be disheartening to hear. (Though, of course, kudos for letting us know, guys, that you are indeed taken!)

Well, I got wifed yesterday.

I think I've mentioned my work crush here and the uncertainty about his status. Rumor had it that he was going through a divorce--the attraction between the two of us almost glowed visibly. (Granted, we never talked about it--and never talked about anything at all, actually. So B-grade movie!) And then, poof!, the mutuality of it vanished. I figured he and his wife gotten back together.

Sure enough: he and I had to work on a project yesterday and at the first opportunity, he brought up his wife. "My wife," he said--not even her name, which I know. And it was so convoluted and unnecessary that I have to wonder ... was he wanting to quell the office rumors (I've heard very few) or was this an explanation for the warmth that had vanished?

Today we worked a little more on the project and actually talked quite a bit--about life things and about his wife. (In general, referential terms--not private stuff.) It's sweet, actually.

More and more it seems impossible that I will meet my sort of person. And, you know, if I don't, that's OK.

Pants on Fire

I believe problems are best dealt with immediately. At work recently I made a $1000 error and, as soon as I collected my horror, I walked into my boss's office, closed the door, and told her what happened. The truth will out, better that I'm the one to out it.

So with J (the 51yo masquerading as a 44yo), I wrote my indignant entry (bet you didn't know it was indignant!) and vented on Facebook (now all my friends know I'm dating online--so be it, I got a GREAT reaction) and emailed J.

I explained my habit of googling my dates and that I fully expected to be googled myself. I said that I had discovered that he is 51, not 44 (I even sent him the link--figured he should know what's out there--perhaps it will encourage him to cleave closer to the truth!). I said that it wasn't his age so much as the variance from the truth that bothered me (though, yes, 51 is truly too close to my mother's age for comfort)--a variance that is not a good foundation for a relationship, not to mention a second date. I wished him luck.

He wrote back and said he appreciated my candor. It's just hard dating at 51, he said.

I kind of wanted to give him a kick because 51 is young! I know so many active, attractive 50+ year-old men. Sometimes I have to stop myself from having tiny crushes on them (out of my age range--truly!). I suspect that J wants a young thing and doesn't have the finances to back it up--hence the lie.

Whatever. Onward! I desperately need to update my profile. I uploaded new, better pics (and have had many more visitors as a result) but things have been hush-hush.

Shenanigan

So somehow I've skated through the online dating world without running into any egregious lies. That's right, none of my dates posted pictures from years ago or said they were seven years younger than they actually were .... until now. And I'm not sure what to do about it, me being too kind and all.

I met "J" Friday night for drinks. Fortunately he recognized me because I didn't recognize him, though he did look vaguely like his photographs. At first I thought that he'd just cut his hair, which had been quite long. Good riddance; I'm not into long locks on a guy. And then as we talked I looked at his face and hands and began to doubt that he was 44, as his profile states. His hair was also suspiciously sans grey. (Hey, tons of people my age have grey--not a grey hair at 44 seems unlikely.)

I decided to focus on the conversation and didn't think about it much. We ended up getting some inexpensive sushi. He wanted to go for dessert, but I demurred and suggested we get together this coming week. Honestly, I didn't think he would invite me out again and that, following the Four Man Plan rules, I would have to invite him on a second date. (Yes, you read that right--I'll save the reasoning for another post.)

When I got home I had a short message from him saying that he had a great time, even though I was too tall and too smart for him. Yes, his 5' 10" was highly suspect--I have yet to meet a man whose profile says 5'10" who is actually 5'10" (same goes for 6'). Illusions of grandeur, I suspect, and not true maliciousness. Perhaps they don't believe me when I say I'm 5'11"? Ho boy, I am very much 5'11".

Anyway, I wrote back something light and friendly to let him know the height thing wasn't an issue. He wanted to get together today, Sunday, and I just wanted a day to myself so again suggested sometime later this week.

It occurred to me just a moment ago to pop over to www.peoplefinders.com. There are very few people by his name the country over, and only one in N____. He's 51.

I don't wish to be cruel or stalkery (people my age assume internet searches; I'm not sure J does--he basically said he wasn't into technology) but I want him to know that I detect an age difference that is beyond my scope of acceptance. He's just a few years shy of my mom's age, for Pete's sake! Any tips for breaking the news? Maybe just saying the bit about detecting an age difference is enough? Or should I point out the website and ask him if its accurate?

He did mention growing up in New York and appreciating the forthrightness there (as opposed to the much more laid back California). Perhaps I should just remind him of that and tell him the fast discrepancy in profile age to actual age is a dealbreaker for me.

Have any of you dealt with this sort of shenanigan? What did you do?