It's been a long time since I've had a truly bad date, but oh boy I had one Tuesday night. I liked that Realtor is outgoing and confident, and after our first date, I was looking to see if he would be less likely to talk about himself the whole time (and glaze over after the rare question directed at myself)--hey, it could have been first date nerves! He was also really great about driving from his city, about 45 minutes away, to see me.
I didn't like that he texted me way too much. What is this about some guys? You go on one date, and they think you're in a relationship or something and text every 2 - 3 hours! If you haven't bothered to find out anything about me on a date, chances are I'm not going to want to get into a texting fest.
Well, the date started on an odd foot because he was decidedly cool. Oh, and he wouldn't look at me! (I'd noticed this on our first date--so let's strike that bit about confidence.) It is so disconcerting when someone looks everywhere else but at you! It turns out that he cool demeanor was because I didn't call him back. He'd phoned Saturday evening (!) and pardon me, but I had plans. And, it's true, I forgot about calling back Sunday--partly because that was also a full day. But I did text on Monday--at work, when I couldn't have called anyway. I realize I'm at a bit of fault here, but Realtor talks so damn much (and I am not fond of the phone as it is) that I couldn't bear the thought of calling.
And then he started in on the previous weekend, how I didn't so much as text him. When I protested, saying I'd been out of town, he said, "Girl, I'm just messing with you!" {pause} "But I don't know … it says a lot about what you want."
I turned to him and said, "Realtor! My aunt died, and I was with family at a memorial service. I didn't text anyone that weekend."
He blinked at me, uttered not one word of apology or condolence, and changed the subject. (Granted, I gave him way more explanation than he deserved.)
The whole evening went like this, but it just got worse and worse. Realtor went on and on about his supposed self-actualization and how he knew so much more now than he did in his 20s. (Um, true for us all, thank god!) And any time I tried to ask him anything real about himself or to share something of my own self, he rolled right on.
He brought up the idea of another date--was I free this coming weekend? No, as it happens. He got peeved. I said I was working and had family in town (again, I didn't need to explain this). This wasn't good enough for him! He was seriously annoyed. (Typing this all out now I can so clearly see that this guy isn't only a jerk, he's manipulative--possibly dangerous. At the very least, narcissistic.) I said the following weekend was a possibility--what worked for him? (I was noncommittal in this.) He wouldn't name a date. "A girl likes to be asked out," I said. And he said, "Sometimes a guy likes a girl to take charge." I couldn't articulate it, but I wanted to say that he wasn't making a good case for another date.
My irritation was at a slow burn, what stoked the fire further was when he declared that I was probably sexually repressed. I should have gotten right up out of that chair and left, but I was so shocked that all I could do was say, "Excuse me?! You don't know me." And he played the "messing with you" card again and tried to salvage the situation by saying I was probably a "wildcat" and deftly changing the subject.
I'm really distilling all this stuff down because why else would I have ordered cappuccino at the end of the meal? (why would I have stayed for the meal?) There must have been good stuff in there--or he must have been very adept at "handling" a normally gentle soul like me. I regretted that cappuccino almost immediately.
He asked a rare question: "So, Ruby, do you watch sports?" We'd been over this on our first date, but I decided to take the opportunity to speak. "Not really," I said, "but I watch the important games. Sometimes." Silence.
Realtor was a touch incredulous. "What are you into then?"
I looked at him and enunciated the hell out of "Literature." I meant literature in the broad sense--the study and criticism of it; the reading and writing of it.
Silence. Then, "Yeah, I read all sorts of books! Just look at my Amazon wish list." Christ almighty, he'd whipped out his phone and was scrolling through his wish list. I dashed off to the ladies' room, wishing, once I got there, that I hadn't left my purse and keys on the table. For the first time in my life, I wanted to skip out on a date.
When I got back, the bill was on the table. Realtor (Mercedes driving Realtor) was ignoring it and droning on and on about some pop psychology something or other. I interjected and said it was late and needed to get home. He barely acknowledged this before continuing on, detailing how amazing he was. I zoned out and contemplated whether I wanted to split the bill or try to get the jerk to pay. The waitress was nowhere to be found, so finally I, who had seriously had it, snatched the bill to go find her. (First time in my life I have ever done this.) "Girl, what's the rush?" followed me deeper into the restaurant.
And when I returned, did Realtor ask me if I was OK? Did he ask anything at all? No, of course not. The monologue freakin' picked up where it left off.
Unfortunately, he had to walk me to the car, since he was parked right next to me. And goddamit if he didn't plant not one but two kisses on my lips! I was rigid with dislike.
So, lessons:
1. I have got to get better about cutting bad dates short. I was just so incredulous! It's taken me two days to absorb/process all of this.
2. There is no need to explain myself to men who do not deserve explanations.
3. Repeat 1 and 2
He texted me after midnight following the date saying he had a great time (etc.) and then again this morning, saying he hadn't heard from me. So this afternoon I sent him a message on Match to let him know, very respectfully, that I appreciated the effort he took to meet me but that I didn't feel we were a match. I wished him luck. His response? "Wow ….." Really? He thought I had a good time on the date?
Next!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Will It Lead to Disaster?
The names have shuffled around a bit, but I still have five guys in rotation. And, triumph of triumph: I picked up a guy in real life tonight! (Or, rather, he asked me out--I didn't hit on him or anything.)
"Drew" predicted in my previous post that this will end in disaster. It's possible, but I'm fully prepared for this possibility. Really, what could be more disastrous that my love life to date? Years of honing in on one guy, only to either (a) discover he wasn't into me or (b) break his heart ruthlessly. All of these previous relationships (of which there have been way too many) would have benefitted from slowing down, and that's what The Four Man Plan (4MP) affords me.
Heli and Realtor are still in play, and I'm seeing both this week. I still feel like they contact me too much. Why does this bother me so much? I've thought about it, and I think their constant attention reminds me too much of my ex, Mac, who had no life outside of me. That just scares me. I don't want to be anyone's Everything--at the same time, I recognize that if you meet someone cool, you're entitled to be excited about him/her. (And from my conversations with Heli and Realtor, they're not really seeing anyone else at the moment.)
Android is new to the plan. We're meeting Thursday. We've emailed a bit and he seems nice, smart and whatnot, but you really can't tell until you meet someone, can you?
This afternoon, at a BBQ, I met Wino. (So named because of the industry he works in, not because of drunkeness.) Before 4MP, I wouldn't have given him much thought. He's not attractive in the standard sense. And, on a superficial level, I'm a "hand girl"--I love manly hands on a guy. Wino has smaller hands--the hands of a surgeon, in the best light. But he is intelligent and a good conversationalist, and enjoys food and wine like I do. And, for Pete's sake, he asked me out. Note to the very few men reading this: ask a girl out. Chivalry ain't dead, yo. I'm looking forward to getting to know him.
So Thursday was The Sailor Date. Quick recap: I'd been looking forward to meeting Sailor through the month of July. We'd started communicating right as he was shipping off for the month. Through the month, we emailed and texted (occasionally). He wrote the best emails; I tried not to get carried away.
On Thursday, I drove over to his house--not something I would have done if I hadn't met him through mutual friends 10 years ago--and off we went on our evening: sushi, then darts and billiards. We laughed the whole time. In fact, a friend of mine who was sitting on the other side of the sushi bar (and who I didn't see at all) texted me later to say, "Give me your mom's number. I'll tell her you're not gay! Ruby, I've never seen you so into someone!" (See, there was a bit of a misunderstanding with my mom …)
I won't give you a play-by-play, but high points were: definite chemistry and some nice physical contact (no kissing--that's not necessarily on the table for me for a first date--more on this in another post). We both sucked at darts and billiards--to our great amusement. And after it all, I was sad. Sad to the ends of my toes. It carried into Friday, and I only felt better Saturday morning after a good night's sleep.
Why was I sad? Because it seems like almost ever time I have a good first date (or what I think is a good date), that ends up being the end of it. And because that kind of connection with a person reminds me how alone I am. I don't notice it in my day-to-day life. I'm a bit of a recluse, enjoying my reading and writing and bumbling around my condo on my own quite fine. But there's nothing like truly connecting with someone to make one think, "Oh, right. I'm missing out on something vital."
On Friday I sent Sailor a text (per 4MP) to thank him for the fun evening. And he responded saying he had fun, too, and that we both clearly needed practice at billiards and darts. That was that, and I thought to myself, "Self? I bet he's reading some manual for Man Dating. I bet I don't hear from him until Sunday evening." (Sailor is fairly recently divorced and has two kiddos. He's literally been off the market since age 23 or so. He has no clue about dating.)
Well, it's Sunday evening, and what do I get? A text from Sailor, which makes me very happy, of course. He wanted to get together for something quick and easy this week (minds out of the gutter: a walk!). But I literally have every night filled this week: gym, date, girl friend date, date, date. (Kill me now.) So we're getting together Saturday evening. Of course, I think it definitely doesn't hurt to put off a guy a little … never mind that I could happily jump him this second.
By the way, Sailor is two inches shorter than me. And two years younger than me. I don't care a bit. ;)
If I'm so into Sailor, why am I dating these other dudes? Because there are some key things I don't know about Sailor yet. Can I really handle his work schedule? (in port one month, out the next) Can I handle his fatherhood? (admirable, but do I really understand what it means?) Are we at the same maturity level? All these things will take some time to discover. And who knows, one of these other men could be the Dark Horse.
Or maybe it will end in disaster. Stay tuned. ;)
"Drew" predicted in my previous post that this will end in disaster. It's possible, but I'm fully prepared for this possibility. Really, what could be more disastrous that my love life to date? Years of honing in on one guy, only to either (a) discover he wasn't into me or (b) break his heart ruthlessly. All of these previous relationships (of which there have been way too many) would have benefitted from slowing down, and that's what The Four Man Plan (4MP) affords me.
Heli and Realtor are still in play, and I'm seeing both this week. I still feel like they contact me too much. Why does this bother me so much? I've thought about it, and I think their constant attention reminds me too much of my ex, Mac, who had no life outside of me. That just scares me. I don't want to be anyone's Everything--at the same time, I recognize that if you meet someone cool, you're entitled to be excited about him/her. (And from my conversations with Heli and Realtor, they're not really seeing anyone else at the moment.)
Android is new to the plan. We're meeting Thursday. We've emailed a bit and he seems nice, smart and whatnot, but you really can't tell until you meet someone, can you?
This afternoon, at a BBQ, I met Wino. (So named because of the industry he works in, not because of drunkeness.) Before 4MP, I wouldn't have given him much thought. He's not attractive in the standard sense. And, on a superficial level, I'm a "hand girl"--I love manly hands on a guy. Wino has smaller hands--the hands of a surgeon, in the best light. But he is intelligent and a good conversationalist, and enjoys food and wine like I do. And, for Pete's sake, he asked me out. Note to the very few men reading this: ask a girl out. Chivalry ain't dead, yo. I'm looking forward to getting to know him.
So Thursday was The Sailor Date. Quick recap: I'd been looking forward to meeting Sailor through the month of July. We'd started communicating right as he was shipping off for the month. Through the month, we emailed and texted (occasionally). He wrote the best emails; I tried not to get carried away.
On Thursday, I drove over to his house--not something I would have done if I hadn't met him through mutual friends 10 years ago--and off we went on our evening: sushi, then darts and billiards. We laughed the whole time. In fact, a friend of mine who was sitting on the other side of the sushi bar (and who I didn't see at all) texted me later to say, "Give me your mom's number. I'll tell her you're not gay! Ruby, I've never seen you so into someone!" (See, there was a bit of a misunderstanding with my mom …)
I won't give you a play-by-play, but high points were: definite chemistry and some nice physical contact (no kissing--that's not necessarily on the table for me for a first date--more on this in another post). We both sucked at darts and billiards--to our great amusement. And after it all, I was sad. Sad to the ends of my toes. It carried into Friday, and I only felt better Saturday morning after a good night's sleep.
Why was I sad? Because it seems like almost ever time I have a good first date (or what I think is a good date), that ends up being the end of it. And because that kind of connection with a person reminds me how alone I am. I don't notice it in my day-to-day life. I'm a bit of a recluse, enjoying my reading and writing and bumbling around my condo on my own quite fine. But there's nothing like truly connecting with someone to make one think, "Oh, right. I'm missing out on something vital."
On Friday I sent Sailor a text (per 4MP) to thank him for the fun evening. And he responded saying he had fun, too, and that we both clearly needed practice at billiards and darts. That was that, and I thought to myself, "Self? I bet he's reading some manual for Man Dating. I bet I don't hear from him until Sunday evening." (Sailor is fairly recently divorced and has two kiddos. He's literally been off the market since age 23 or so. He has no clue about dating.)
Well, it's Sunday evening, and what do I get? A text from Sailor, which makes me very happy, of course. He wanted to get together for something quick and easy this week (minds out of the gutter: a walk!). But I literally have every night filled this week: gym, date, girl friend date, date, date. (Kill me now.) So we're getting together Saturday evening. Of course, I think it definitely doesn't hurt to put off a guy a little … never mind that I could happily jump him this second.
By the way, Sailor is two inches shorter than me. And two years younger than me. I don't care a bit. ;)
If I'm so into Sailor, why am I dating these other dudes? Because there are some key things I don't know about Sailor yet. Can I really handle his work schedule? (in port one month, out the next) Can I handle his fatherhood? (admirable, but do I really understand what it means?) Are we at the same maturity level? All these things will take some time to discover. And who knows, one of these other men could be the Dark Horse.
Or maybe it will end in disaster. Stay tuned. ;)
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