Engaged--What The Heck?

If you've read any of the previous entries, you are probably wondering why the heck I agreed to marry Mac. It's a valid question; I wonder the same thing now, now that I'm out of the woods.

A week before he asked me to marry him we had a Big Discussion. Our first Big Discussion--and that it was our first such talk is completely my fault. This must have been early March 2012. I remember apologizing to him and telling him that I was only just realizing how serious he was about marriage. (False: according to this record alone, I was pretty sure he was on the marriage track in the fall of '11.) I explained that it takes me awhile to realize what I feel or think about a situation, and that he may have seen my gentle silence as encouragement where I was really only thinking about everything.

I know I brought up my concerns about his finances and job situation; I may have mentioned the whole sex thing, too. I told him we were not ready to get married. Mac reacted fairly well, I think--especially given later Big Discussions. He just said, "Well, this changes my plans …"

Ever the romantic, he couldn't see that my concerns were valid and important, and not the ravings of an anxiety-ridden chica.

I innocently thought that we were on the same page after this heartfelt talk--back to a more casual form of being, no marriage in the future.

A week later we were celebrating our one-year anniversary at a nice N____ V_____ restaurant. (And, by the way, I know you can decipher the location of the restaurant; I just don't want search bots to figure it out. This might be one of the few blogs that doesn't want to optimize for SEO!) We'd taken a cab, so indulged in cocktails and then a bottle of wine and a fabulous meal. Halfway through, suddenly I find a tiny, heart-shaped box in my hand. The tables that flanked us left and right were very close and therefore very aware of what was happening. It was loud; I was drunk. This was not the intimate proposal I had imagined.

But I loved him, despite our problems, despite the less-than-ideal atmosphere.

I said yes.

Foolishly, but perhaps predictably. I understand now (and I thought I did before) that love isn't enough. And I probably didn't truly love him, anyway--I know I didn't.

I couldn't sleep that night, spinning the vintage eternity band on my finger and wondering what I had agreed to and whether I had made a mistake.

You meet a man who can make you laugh, who is so helpful and considerate, who has a great personality and is cute, and you think, "Why not?" Well, there are reasons why not.

I didn't feel safe or supported, and though to this day he swears he loves me, I don't think he really does.

Since my last confession

Hello there.

I've committed the cardinal blogging sin: I disappeared without a word of explanation. So I'll explain now: it was all too much.

And that isn't a proper explanation, I realize. Aren't the best blogs the ones that are wrought? Well, I was wrought, my friends. (All three of you, if you're still out there.) Instead of spending hundreds (thousands?) of dollars on therapy--dollars I had a hard time coming by, since Mac wasn't exactly able to help--I should have written it out here. I may have arrived at the same conclusion sooner and less expensively.

Since November 11, 2011, the following things have transpired:

• Mac asked me to marry him; I said yes
• I knew immediately that it was a mistake
• I agonized; he basically called me crazy and said I needed to be on anti-anxiety meds
• Therapists (and psychiatrist) disagreed--thought my anxiety was incident/issue specific
• We broke up on November 2, 2012
• I was happy! And have been since the day we broke up, but recently that happiness was compounded when …
• I realized Sunday--fully realized--that despite all of his good characteristics, Mac is something of a shit. I refused to see it before. 

Friends, I'm getting ready to date again. Part of the preparation involves getting in shape (I gained probably 15 lbs during all of this drama); part of it involves fully understanding what happened so I won't repeat the same (same same same) mistakes (there's a dreadful pattern here)--and that's where this blog comes in. 

I'm going to revisit some of these key moments: the engagement, various fights/discussions, the breakup, the final realization. It should just take a few blog posts (four at the most), and they may come in rapid succession.

I'm ready to make a change, inside and out.